Stress, overwhelming to-do lists, credit card bills, and unhealthy eating are often as much a part of the holidays as Christmas carols and mistletoe. While they rob us of the intimacy, connection, and joy of the season, we often feel powerless in making healthier choices.
But you can have meaningful holidays while also zipping up your jeans in January. Holiday overwhelm, debt and weight gain are all symptoms of disconnect: a broken link between what you truly desire and the obligations that keep you from honoring them. The solution is self-care: balancing nurture (indulging in the delights of the season that create a rich, holiday feel) with structure (setting limits so that you don’t overindulge, whether it be on desserts, gifts, or too many activities.) This is empowered, authentic living.
When you’re honoring your truth, and abiding in yourself with kindness, you won’t be as inclined to eat too many rich foods, overspend, or overdo. In the following ten steps, you’ll learn how to honor your internal truth, so that you can feel good come January. Not only will you feel the satisfaction that comes from fitting into your clothes, but you’ll also have the pride that comes from living according to your deepest values.
1. Uncover the essence of what you want. The holidays are a time of huge internal and external expectations. It’s easy to hold a mental image of the perfect holiday, and then feel disappointed when it doesn’t hold true. One way to ease this disappointment is to uncover the essence of your needs. What is a “perfect” holiday to you? Describe it. Then ask yourself, what needs are being met by that perfect scenario? Is it connection, community, joy, creativity, play, hope, beauty, or love? Too often, we rely on food or shopping to fill so many of our needs. Or we overcommit without thinking. By contrast, when you’re aware of the essence of what you need, then you can flex and bend and find ways to meet your needs in a myriad ways. So, for example, if your need is for connection with friends and neighbors, perhaps you can arrange a caroling outing, instead of feeling obligated to buy presents for each family. Or maybe you attend a holiday concert instead of a dessert laden party. Your creativity opens you to a myriad number of solutions instead of one – food – or two – buying.
2. Let go of what no longer serves you. Ask yourself two questions about your holiday traditions: What do you need to let go of in your life right now? And, what would you like in its place? Tradition and ritual are meant to serve you, not keep you bound in servitude. We often keep up with outdated traditions out of a sense of duty and familial guilt. Can you release a tradition that no longer speaks to your life right now? Do you long to simplify your gift buying? Do you want to stay home instead of traveling to see family? Do you want to skip the Christmas baking? One of the quirks of being human is that we often don’t feel like we can change our minds. We think that decisions, habits, traditions are set in stone. But you always have a choice. No, or “not this year” is an option.
3. Make peace with Christmas letdown. Much of my unnecessary hustle and bustle around the holidays came from my attempt to stave off holiday letdown: that moment when the presents are all unwrapped, the Christmas dinner is eaten, and I felt like a deflated balloon. We all experience this emotion; it’s a natural release after weeks of build-up and anticipation. I’ve found that there’s no way to escape this feeling, although that didn’t stop me from trying. Every year, the closer I got to Christmas day, the more anxious I felt about not having enough presents for my children. This led to overbuying. But this feeling isn’t really about presents, but about trying to avoid the letdown when all the presents are unwrapped. The solution is awareness: recognizing when holiday letdown is driving you to attend one more party, buy more gift, or eat one more “last” treat.
Another way of coping with holiday letdown is to honor the transition – the ending of a season – instead of avoiding it/denying it/burying it with food, excessive gift buying or a too-busy schedule. Can you think of January traditions that you can implement that will help ease your sadness? How can you honor the natural rhythm of January’s quiet reflection and renewal?
4. Feed your spirit. Do you feel lost? Has life lost its zip? Are you stuck in a pattern of self-sabotage? These are all signs of a deprived spirit. Your spirit doesn’t like to be ignored, and will get your attention in one way or another. Better to feed your spirit with regular self-care – 20-30 minutes a day is all it takes – then to suffer the effects of a neglected spirit. If you don’t think you have 20 minutes, think of the time you spend in those destructive patterns, like eating in front of the fridge, or watching mindless TV. Turn off the TV and take a walk, read a poem, take a bath, call a friend, listen to Christmas carols. Over time, as self-care becomes a regular practice, you relax. You trust yourself, softening your need to control your natural desires for good food, pampering, and pleasure. You don’t binge on brownies because you regularly offer yourself small treats.
5. Voice your preferences. It’s ingrained in our culture that to speak the truth is rude, impolite, and will hurt other people’s feelings. But I’ve learned that people are tougher than we think. I’m not advocating insensitivity or rudeness, but too often, we remain silent instead of speaking up for ourselves. Yes, I know it takes courage to say no to your mother’s famous strudel. But the flip side – ignoring your truth in order to be more socially acceptable – hurts more. That internal pain will do more damage than the discomfort of speaking up, and will most likely drive you to the nearest wine bottle or cookie tray.
There are ways to lovingly communicate your intention, in order to minimize hurt feelings. The best way I’ve found to do this is to communicate your love and acceptance of the other person, even as you say no to their request or offering. So, for example, my grandma will undoubtedly offer me a piece of apple pie. Here’s what I can say: “Oh, grandma, I love that you are so considerate, and that you took the time to bake something special for the holiday. I love that about you. But I’m not having pie tonight. Can I have a cup of tea, instead?”
6. Accept what you can’t change. Sometimes, honoring our spirit means accepting certain truths about ourselves. I, for example, am sugar sensitive. Do you know how people joke about eating a whole cake after having one slice? Well, I can, and I will eat the whole cake. I choose to abstain from sugar, because I can’t eat it moderately, it gives me depression, and makes me feel terrible. And yet, every Christmas, I face a constant stream of sweet treats. How do I stave off temptation? Acceptance. Accepting that I can’t eat sugar like a normal person keeps me bound to a higher ideal: where I abstain from sugar to honor my spirit, not deprive it. This leads me right into:
7. Design creative alternatives. If you’re cutting something out of your life – certain foods, drink, or negative influences – it’s important to offer yourself a creative alternative. As you subtract things from your life, add others back; this balance is what keeps you from feeling deprived. I love Christmas baking, but choose to make bath salts, Christmas cards, and wreaths instead. I meet my needs for play, creative expression, and the pride that comes from making something myself, without facing the temptation of raw cookie dough and icinged sugar cookies. If you are unable to visit your family, and your sadness over this drives you to stuff yourself with food, think of other ways you can connect with them: a calendar, a long phone call, letters, or a Spring visit. A few years ago, when I was missing my friends and family, I wrote each person a handwritten, heartfelt note, thanking them for being in my life. Writing those letters filled me with such love and gratitude, that I felt connected to them, even though I was hundreds of miles away. Then I received another dose of connection when they each contacted me to thank me for the letters. Their warm thanks filled me again, ameliorating the pain of missing out on the family fun.
8. Embrace structure. I personally don’t like being told what to do. I don’t even like myself telling me what to do. But structure and order are integral to your spirit. Without a routine, enough sleep, good food, and exercise, you won’t have the mental energy or stamina to make supportive choices. Structure is your roots, your foundation, so that you can bend and flex when reality trumps your ideal scenario. I understand that the holidays are a difficult time to implement more structure, so let’s keep to the basics: Eat three meals a day, including breakfast. (This small step alone can make a huge difference in overeating. How can you resist the cookie tin if you’re starving?) Go to bed earlier – I know I naturally need more sleep when there’s less sunlight. Schedule in a basic exercise routine: three days a week, 30 minutes a day will make a huge difference to your physical and mental health, and isn’t a large commitment.
9. Give yourself choices to break up all-or-nothing thinking. You want to exercise, but it’s too cold outside. You want to stay home and rest, but you have a work party to attend. What do you do? These are examples of all-or-nothing thinking: where we give ourselves two options, both of which aren’t ideal. What, if, instead, you gave yourself options? Yes, it may be bitterly cold outside, but can you use your Netflix subscription to do a 30 minute video? Pressed for time? Do 10 minutes of push ups, sit ups, lunges, and other exercises. Can you stop by the party and say hello, and then spend the rest of the evening at home? When we look at situations as either/or, we close our minds to other possibilities, which also includes a solution.
10. Honor what is sacred to you. In the busyness of life, we can lose sight of meaning, purpose, and true connection. We scratch the surface of the holidays, and then, when January comes, we feel let down – how did it pass so soon? – because we never really paused deeply enough to enjoy it. Even if it’s only for 5 minutes a day, find a quiet time when you can reflect on what the holidays mean to you. Bask in the feelings of goodwill, peace, gratitude, and love. These intangibles are what we’re really trying to find, in our quest for the perfect present, the beautifully decorated tree, and the tins of fudge.
These ten steps, when integrated into your life, create a bridge, a link between your spirit and your personality. From this bridge flows your greatest wisdom, your intuition, and your interconnectedness with others. Honor this pathway by heeding, and following, its messages. This creates integrity, one of our highest needs, because there’s consistency in your beliefs and your behaviors. Integrity is what creates a happy holiday season – and a happy life – whether it’s Christmas, New Year’s, or any day of the year.
Thanks a lot for this 10 steps. It must be Avoid Holiday Weight Gain (and Overwhelment).
I am ctnstanoly feeling this way, and that I just need to stop and BREATHE. My calendar fills up too quickly and it’s hard to find time for everyone in your life, let alone YOURSELF. i just remind myself that I’m flattered to have so many invitations and commitments, but occasionally just need to step back. I may try this 30 minutes thing.