4 Ways to Stop Criticizing Your Body

How do you talk about your body? What things do you say about it when you’re with your girlfriends, your female relatives, your daughters? Do you use your words to uplift and celebrate your body? Or do you use your words to pick at, make fun of, shame, loathe, or judge your body?

The obvious targets are the name calling, the criticism (I’m a fat cow!) But we put ourselves down in other, sly ways:

• We dismiss or minimize compliments. If someone says they like our earrings, we may say, “Oh this old thing?”
• We self-deprecate. When your husband says that you look pretty, you turn it into a joke:  “I figured you didn’t want to come home
  to frump Mom today.”
• We put up a front of false modesty. We make fun of ourselves when we do look good, as a way of diminishing our beauty. We tone ourselves down
  so that we’ll be more palatable to others.
• We turn our bodies into overdramatic, embellished, funny stories: poking fun at how our bodies have changed after pregnancy, for
  example, by exaggerating and lampooning ourselves:  Well, you should see my body after four kids. I have stretch marks everywhere, saggy boobs down to my waist, gray hairs, thighs that roll together, a butt that’s quickly sinking towards the floor….

It’s easy to look at things like joking or teasing and think that we’re not harming our bodies. After all, we’re laughing, right? But what is the object of our laughter? What are we scorning? Our bodies. Ourselves. As Don Miguel Ruiz elegantly points out in The Four Agreements, when we use our words to tease and scorn, we create agreements:  negative ones. These agreements are just as powerful as positive agreements, except their intention moves in the opposite direction. They are the equivalent of black magic. They are how we create hell for ourselves:  by shaping our experiences in negative, unkind, dishonest language.

Yes; it is healthy to be able to laugh at ourselves; to observe the comedy of errors and find the mirth. We don’t want to take anything too seriously; this includes our bodies. But there is a fine line between laughing at ourselves and scorning ourselves. People often use humor as a way of diffusing what they really want to say, but what is impolite. Have you ever been the object of someone’s teasing and had your feelings hurt? Then, when you call them on it, the other person defends their behavior with, “I was only joking.” Hmm….were they? Or did they use humor as a way of saying something unkind in a socially acceptable manner?

We can’t change other people, but we can change ourselves. And if we have set the expectation that we can poke fun of our own bodies, guess what message we are sending to other people? That they can poke fun of our bodies, too.

For a week, try an experiment. Keep a log of the times when you turn a compliment into a joke, or tease and poke fun of your body. Like me, you may be surprised at how frequently this occurs.

Now, let’s invoke four new behaviors to change this pattern:

1. Accept compliments. Even if you don’t believe the other person, even if you don’t agree with them, even if you have to bite your tongue, the next time someone offers you a compliment, smile, look them in the eye, and say, “Thank you.” If stopping after thank you sounds too abrupt, add something like, “I like them, too.” Or, “Yes, this is my favorite sweater.” Or, “I appreciate the compliment.” Then stop. Take a deep breath. And move the conversation to another subject. At first, accepting compliments may feel odd and strange. But over time, it will become a habit:  a positive habit, one that becomes ingrained in your daily interactions.

2.  Acknowledge your victories. In her excellent book, Fearless Living, life coach Rhonda Britten offers a fantastic idea for improving your self esteem:  acknowledgments.  Acknowledgments are ways of celebrating the little victories: “I accepted a compliment,” or, “I took an extra 10 minutes to do my hair and make-up so I’d feel extra pretty today.” Write down 3 acknowledgments every day, as a way of giving your mind proof – Yes, I do love and care for my body – and feeding your self esteem.

3. Show your body gratitude. When you’re poking fun of your body, or downplaying your body’s good points, your focus is on lack. You’re thinking about minimizing; downplaying your body, not celebrating or highlighting it. A way out of this cycle is gratitude. Every day, write down 3 things that you’re grateful for about your body. Be as specific as possible:  “I love my long, slim, elegant fingers,” or, “I’m grateful for my thick, curly hair that needs little styling to look good.” What we focus on, expands. Expand your gratitude so that it colors the way you see, feel and talk about your body.

4. Be impeccable with your word. Use your words to uplift your body. Use your words to uplift other women’s bodies. (Catty gossip is just another type of black magic.) Affirm, affirm, affirm with the words that cross your lips. If you need extra support, give yourself a code word or phrase you can use when you’re tempted to say something unkind, such as, “I use my words to uplift women’s bodies.” Or, “I use my words to create good.”

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