When you have a lot of rigidity (food rules) about how you eat, you create a very narrow space where you can succeed. You feel like you’re walking a tightrope, where every step is super important. When you fall off the rope – or the wagon – you feel guilty, like a failure, ashamed and anxious because you’ve broken the “rules.” Then you binge to soothe this anxiety, compounding your pain.”
It’s a path I’ve traveled. As an overeater and bulimic, I felt that strong boundaries (lots of rules) was the only thing that would keep me binge free. I didn’t trust myself around food.
Then because I felt so guilty about all my food dysfunction, I thought that the only way to be healed (and to assauge my guilt) was to make food into this super spiritual chore, where I had to eat for the highest good, 100% of the time. I’m not the only one. I read about a woman who said that she only eats foods that serve her highest good, too. Can you see how this belief puts tremendous pressure on ourselves?
Super high expectations can make us feel bad when we can’t meet them, and trapped in the very behaviors we’re trying to change as we binge to soothe our guilt. A lack of self-trust can lead to control – what we think is the only thing keeping us “good.”
My approach? We can have boundaries with food (loving guidelines that help us stick to our intentions) and a loving, free relationship with food – gentle, realistic expectations – at the same time. This paradox creates a beautiful balance. It’s something I talk about more in the 2nd edition of Overcoming Sugar Addiction, available in paperback now.
When I embrace this paradox, I don’t fear food as much. I keep abstinence in its proper context. And I don’t feel so driven to be the “best” at eating, to walk that tightrope, to have to be so “good” all the time. I feel wonderful freedom.
Learn more about this topic in this support forum discussion and in session 4 of Heal Overeating: Untangled, creating a nourishing food container. It’s also one of the 6 practices of growing human(kind)ness, how we create healing from food and weight pain. You can study these 6 practices and apply them to your own life in our workbook, Growing Human(kind)ness: How to Befriend Not Punish Your Way to Sugar Sobriety.
