This week, as I prepared for a live event, I realized I didn’t have a professional outfit that was also suitable for 90 degree weather. So I went shopping.
Big, deep breath.
I have historically avoided clothing shopping. (I wasn’t being flippant when I said I didn’t have anything to wear.) Yes, there’ve been financial constraints, and yes, shopping is challenging to my sensitive nervous system. But neither of these are the real reasons why I have so few clothes. The real reason is that I don’t like that moment of confrontation in the dressing room. That moment when I realize – oh, I’m not the size my minds wants to be.
It’s a moment of facing reality. Big deep breath.
Avoiding the dressing room has been my way of avoiding reality – hence the empty closet. So is only going into those dressing rooms that have really flattering lights and mirrors and avoiding those that don’t. So is only buying those brands that indulge in vanity sizing, so I can shop with my ego intact. So is wearing only stretchy yoga clothes. In all these cases, I am trying to run from this scenario: to be measured and found wanting. To feel that icky, heavy, hot, punch in the gut feeling of “not enough” or “too much.” In this case, it says, “I’m not enough because I’m too big.” This feeling has another name: shame.
When I get quiet and ask myself – Why does my clothing size matter so much? – here’s what I find: I want to be teeny tiny skinny because I’ve believed that tiny, teeny skinny is beautiful. It’s a giant should: thou is pretty only if thou is skinny. Thou shall be the teeniest, tiniest version of yourself you can be (without slipping over into an eating disorder.)
When I take it a level deeper – beyond the dressing room and into any situation where I may be measured and found wanting – I find this: I am so afraid of measuring myself against some standard, some “should,” some definition of “goodness” and feeling the ouch of not measuring up.
I am so, so, so very tired of not feeling enough. Of feeling that, somehow, I’m not spiritual enough, pretty enough, thin enough, fit enough….good enough.
My heart, my precious heart whispers oh, please, please, stop the war.
I think that all healing comes down to this – a shedding, a surrender, a release of the beliefs that don’t serve us. Can I shed this belief of not enough? Can I look in the mirror and wear the size that fits – shedding the belief that I should be smaller? Can I surrender to the way my body is made? Can I accept that the size of my body is no different than the color of my hair – something neutral, and independent of my goodness?
I am slowly learning (and relearning and relearning) that the only way I can find enough is when I surrender these shoulds, this unholy conditional love (I am lovable and beautiful if.…)
This past winter I gained a substantial amount of weight, one side effect of a very difficult, very painful time. I’ve been slowly healing, and I’ve been caring for my body with healthy food and exercise. As a result, most of the pounds are gone. And yet it wasn’t enough. Some part of me still believed that even when my body is at its natural, healthy weight it is too big.
Hence the avoidance of the dressing room.
So on Friday night I stood in front of the dressing room lights and did something radical for me. I bought my true size. I bought the large, even though my ego wanted to buy the medium – which was too snug – and even though my fantasy size is a small. I surrendered that fantasy – the fantasy body, fantasy size, fantasy life – that whispers in the ear, If only your body were this size, if only you looked this way, if only your life were like this – then, oh then, you will be happy. All your problems will disappear.
Years ago, when I first looked at my food stuff, my prayer of surrender was, “Please take away my desire to be skinny.” My prayer these days is, “Please help me to love me as I am and not how my mind says I should be.”
Accepting my body at its natural weight – and this includes buying the clothing that fits that body – is an act of love. Trying to buy clothing that is too small is an act of war, a fight with reality. As Byron Katie says, “Reality always wins.”
When we tell the truth about ourselves and open to what is – and this includes buying clothing that fits – we surrender these shoulds, these false definitions of beauty. We let them go. We bow to reality.
Here’s where it gets interesting…. as we surrender these thoughts – I should be a size smaller; I shouldn’t be a large – we realize, they aren’t even real. We make them real – as solid as a brick wall – when we believe them, when we obey them, when we cling to them.
Drop these shoulds, and poof! You realize they weren’t made of bricks, but air. A cloud that we mistook for something solid.
Where did I learn that my normal, natural size is too big? Who knows. I’ve spent a lot of time, money, and energy trying to uncover the answer to this question, and I still don’t have an answer. I no longer need to know why. Because I don’t need to know why to let it go. I can start there: by letting it go.
I surrender. I surrender. I surrender.
I surrender by wearing a size large and feeling lovable, feeling worthy, feeling enough.
Hi All,
I agree that shoulds can polarize your thinking and trick your mind into thinking that,that is the way things are when in fact they are not.
I learned recently that a good way to quiet shoulds would be to re-word it so that it is not so constricting.
For example: I need (should) to be a size smaller to fit into my dress for the upcoming Christmas party.
Reworded: It would be preferrable if I was a size smaller but I am not and that is okay. I am no less of a person simply because my dress size is not the number I want it to be. Even though my dress size is not what it was a couple of years ago, I will still have a good time.
Replacing shoulds with : I wish, It would be preferrable if…., or even though, seems to take the sting out of shoulds which create unrealistic expectations for ourselves and for me that sends me running to the food.
I had a 35 pound weight gain in 2010 and I realized that during that time I hated feeling so heavy but it was also a time of realizing that even though I was the largest I have ever been, I am still okay. I am still liked and respected by my friends, co-workers, family , boyfriend.. They also still like me and I still have something to offer to everyone. This was actually a time of realizing that I am a person of substance with something to offer to those around me and that was a very healing realization for me. I didn’t like that my clothes did not fit, or that I had extra weight on my face, but inside, I knew that I mattered and that was a cathartic experience for me after many years of berating myself if I went up a size.
Thank you Karly for another brilliant post. Keep showing up each day no matter what size you are because you and every ne of us that suffers from compulsive overeating has a right to show up each and every day no matter what size we might be, no matter what we look like and no matter how we might be feeling. Once you make the decision to show up each day …things just get easier, even in the not so easy moments of the day…somehow the minutes and hours pass and before you know you have a full day!!
Kathy B.
I love this! I remember years ago, I worked in the shoe department of the Marine Corps Exchange – it was a fairly nice department store, maybe equivalent to Nordstrom’s (if I had any clue about shopping I’d know for sure). A woman came in and fell in love with a pair of shoes and asked for them in a size 6 1/2. When they were a bit too snug she informed me, against all obvious facts, “Oh no, I wear a six and a half” and left without the shoes she loved. I couldn’t fathom being so attached to a number when it’s clear that every brand (and style) will fit different.
I’m always thrilled to hear of women throwing off the control numbers hold over us. Good for you. You’re beautiful no matter what size. And, frankly, women are only more beautiful when their clothes fit well. And when they feel good.
So so so so so so incredible! Took the words right out of my mouth. How healing it is to read my inner most thoughts written by another.
I think so many of us get caught in the shoulds. Which is a shame because then we give up what is and could be.
Hi ! I have experienced both sides : once I was 40 pounds more and I couldn’t stand mirrors, I felt like a monster, and once I was 20 pounds less and I couldn’t stand the mirror aswell, I was so skinny and so far away from myself, I dreamt of beeing a “normal” women, with a little stomach and thighs, and beeing ok with that, sharing that human part of me with all the women, and even smile about it. I have not reached that “humanity” yet, but I think I’m on the way, partly thanks to you girls !
xx
OMG, you write as if you are in my soul. I feel so alone so much of the time because people don’t “get it”… they don’t get why I won’t buy a larger item of clothing or why I won’t go shopping or how I feel about size versus shoulds versus reality. Karly you make me want to be more like you every day. I hope someday I can let it go, surrender, and get there. Thank you, always, for writing these thoughts, your stories. Because they speak to me at such a deep, personal level. Hugs!
Kai,
I feel so grateful that writing about my experience helped normalize your own. I remember feeling so alone and ashamed for so many years – like other women seemed to be happy and free in their bodies. What was wrong with me? I think it’s important for us to share our truth – to tell our story with our whole hearts, as Brene Brown says – so that we can tear down these walls of separation, of feeling alone.
I felt incredibly vulnerable in writing this post. As I hit publish, I took a big deep breath. You’ve helped me take another!
Thank you.
Hugs back to you, Karly
I’ve been in that dressing room. That dressing room reduced me to tears at my heaviest, but that same dressing room was also that place where I thought “huh, I don’t look so bad after all!” when I had finally lost some weight. It has taken some time, but I finally realize that while I would love to be a smaller size, it’s actually the fit of the clothes that makes or breaks my day. When I finally broke down and bought the larger size, I felt free…because I felt like I finally looked good, even though I was larger than I wanted to be. I’m still striving to lose some of this excess, but I know that right now I’m a large – that’s just the way it is, and fighting that reality is nothing short of insanity! I will get to a smaller weight eventually, but for now I’m actually LIVING in the skin I am in.
xoxo
Bravo, bravo, bravo Jill! I love this – “now I’m actually LIVING in the skin I am in.” What a victory. I feel so honored to share this path with you – you have inspired me.
XOXO, Karly