http://www.firstourselves.org Emotional healing through unconditional love & acceptance Wed, 19 Jun 2013 14:12:32 +0000 en-US hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.4.2 Emotional healing through unconditional love & acceptance First Ourselves no Five Oceans Press Emotional healing through unconditional love & acceptance http://www.firstourselves.org/wp-content/plugins/powerpress/rss_default.jpg http://www.firstourselves.org http://www.firstourselves.org/thoughts-heart-longing/ http://www.firstourselves.org/thoughts-heart-longing/#comments Tue, 18 Jun 2013 19:01:12 +0000 Karly Randolph Pitman http://www.firstourselves.org/?p=19791 http://www.firstourselves.org/thoughts-heart-longing/feed/ 0 What does your heart long for?This podcast episode comes from Session 11 of the Heal Overeating: Untangled program. Karly speaks about the nature of our thoughts, and offers a tool for living in greater alignment with our personal truths. - What does your heart long for?This podcast episode comes from Session 11 of the Heal Overeating: Untangled program. Karly speaks about the nature of our thoughts, and offers a tool for living in greater alignment with our personal truths. "One of the challenges of being a human being is that we are bombarded by thoughts; they swim in our minds and they can lead directly to behaviors that are counter to how we want to be in the world. That is the key right there: how do we want to be in the world? What is our heart most longing for? When we're looking at changing a pattern of how we eat or how we care for our body, on the surface, there can be some vanity, there can be a desire for some control, there can be a desire for just ease, for it not to be such a constant craw that just rubs us the wrong way and causes so much pain in our lives. Yet below that, below those things, a desire for a slimmer body or a desire not to be so consumed about thoughts about what to eat or what not to eat, there is the deepest longing of the heart and that is love. That is being present to our lives. That's wonder, reverence, care. If we're living in a way that's contrary to those things, it feels uncomfortable, it feels dissident. The reason it feels dissident is because it's not who we really are. It's not about blaming ourselves, feeling guilty, feeling bad or calling ourselves bad because we're living this way. No, it's just contrary to our true nature. We feel like a fish out of water. There is a natural longing in us to come home. And coming home is what this entire course of Untangled is about. What it is doing is helping you connect to that deepest aspiration in your heart. As we turn and look in this session to our thoughts and see how our thoughts are either contributing to that aspiration, whether it's leading us towards who we really are or whether it's leading us away from that, I'm going to encourage you to be very, very gentle and very, very kind. Thoughts are thoughts, we all have them. I love what Byron Katie says, she says, 'There are new thoughts, they're all recycled.' Every thought that you hold in your mind is something I've held in my mind, is something that the person that lives next door to you has thought, the woman who you think has never had any food issues in her life; she's had those same thoughts. They're not personal. Don't take this exploration of your thoughts personally when you realize, 'Wow. I've been really hooking onto some defeating thoughts or some defeating beliefs.' Don't use it as ammunition to wound yourself. That's the shadow where we recognize, 'I'm contributing to some of my own suffering here,' and we turn on ourselves because of it. It just is. It has to do with how our brains are wired, it has to do with the fact all of us want pleasure and want to avoid pain. Of course, we are going to want to try to do things with our thinking or various things to go on a path that we think is going to help us achieve that end goal. Please, just approach this work with gentleness and compassion. The thoughts and beliefs that you carry around in your mind are just in the air that all of us breathe, which is why all of us can pick up on them." Wanting more hands on help: Do the opposite of what your shame tells you to do. How accepting yourself makes change possible. This month we’re exploring the theme of “healing through love” on Firstourselves.org. If you want to learn how you can heal the roots of overeating through love, I invite you to explore the Heal Overeating: Untangled program. This audio and workbook program is my most popular program, and can help you heal your relationship with food and your sweet self. If it feels right to you, I encourage you to experience the healing in this program for yourself. Sign up for a free mini course, an introduction to Untangled, here.  We invite you to share your feedback for this podcast, First Ourselves no 5:50 http://www.firstourselves.org/neediness-not-a-flaw/ http://www.firstourselves.org/neediness-not-a-flaw/#comments Fri, 14 Jun 2013 13:21:35 +0000 Karly Randolph Pitman http://www.firstourselves.org/?p=19486 http://www.firstourselves.org/neediness-not-a-flaw/feed/ 23 http://www.firstourselves.org/the-how-of-habit-change-compassion-as-the-first-step/ http://www.firstourselves.org/the-how-of-habit-change-compassion-as-the-first-step/#comments Tue, 11 Jun 2013 15:11:08 +0000 Karly Randolph Pitman http://www.firstourselves.org/?p=19477 http://www.firstourselves.org/the-how-of-habit-change-compassion-as-the-first-step/feed/ 1 The "how" of changeKarly was asked on one of her recent Heal Overeating: Untangled support calls how to get from, "I should do x,y,z, because that would be smart, and benefit me," to actually doing x,y,z ... to making changes. The "how" of changeKarly was asked on one of her recent Heal Overeating: Untangled support calls how to get from, "I should do x,y,z, because that would be smart, and benefit me," to actually doing x,y,z ... to making changes. This is a tremendously important question, and it is one that many of us have struggled with in our lives. We intellectually understand the benefit of many practices, be they for self-care, weight loss, time management, etc. Yet, how can we move from the space of intellectual understanding to practice and action? "The first thing is how much we need compassion. Because it is so easy to read something in a book and to intellectually get what we need to be doing and putting it into practice is a completely different animal, isn't it? I hope that this very dilemma that we find ourselves with, that dilemma of the effort and the challenge it might take to put into practice; I hope that really helps you befriend your tender human self. A lot of us human beings, we tend to be really hard on ourselves. I think those of us who struggle with food, we tend to be extra-hard on ourselves; we tend to be people who have really tried to get our 'stuff' together. If there's anything that food has taught me, is it's taught me that getting it 'more together' is not what my heart is really, really needing. That's what really kept me stuck in food for so long. I kept trying to control it. I kept trying to just push myself harder. I thought, 'Okay. Tomorrow, I'm just going to really get it together.' I am constantly humbled by how much my intention to finally get my life together once and for all ... how that's really not what's it's about. What I mean by this is -- I'm not saying we should just give up, I'm not saying we should just go to apathy, because that can be even just as painful. What I'm saying is this: Rather than looking at this as, 'How do I actually do it?' and approaching ourselves with all that frustration, I invite you to look at how you relate to it. One of the most profound teachings that I have heard in the last couple of years that has really helped me and that I talk a lot about (it's the whole foundation for the new 'Untangled' workbook), is this: It doesn't matter what is going on in your outside life, whether it's the sugar, whether it's emotional eating, whether it's overeating, whether it's binge eating, whether it's dealing with weight; it doesn't matter what it is. It's not so much as what you're coping with as how you relate to it. That's what your heart most truly wants, is to have a kind relationship, with that thing that you're struggling with. I'm going to do a little bow to my teacher, Mark Silver, who really finally put that into words -- he's the one that really made that light bulb go on for me. How are you relating to your own frustration about your 'challenges with changing?' When I say that right here in this call, I can feel my whole heart; my body just softened. Oh, my goodness. Just this morning, I was feeling this in my own life, like, 'Why aren't I more together?' When we stop judging ourselves and relate kindly to it, space opens up. And with that space, it opens up opportunity and creativity. It opens up our minds to new solutions we may not have thought of before. It's like this whole other feeling arises, where we're more connected to wisdom, opportunity, and possibility. We can't think our way into solutions. I've been telling myself that over and over lately, because my mind will start churning about some problem in my life and I'll start thinking, thinking and planning, planning, and then it's always this constant reminder, 'Karly. Thinking is not going to solve this for you.' I'm not saying that all thought is wrong; no thought can be beautiful, but when my mind is churning and my monkey mind is going, 'blah, blah, blah,' that's not the space that's going to solve my problem. It is by dropping into this space of relationship like, 'Okay. First Ourselves no 4:34 http://www.firstourselves.org/the-last-10-pounds/ http://www.firstourselves.org/the-last-10-pounds/#comments Tue, 04 Jun 2013 21:02:13 +0000 Karly Randolph Pitman http://www.firstourselves.org/?p=19332 http://www.firstourselves.org/the-last-10-pounds/feed/ 0 Many of us have had a difficult relationship with our "last 10 pounds" -- they often seem like an elusive mirage. The mind wants to shed just a bit more weight before we can rest in our bodies... - In this blog post, Many of us have had a difficult relationship with our "last 10 pounds" -- they often seem like an elusive mirage. The mind wants to shed just a bit more weight before we can rest in our bodies... In this blog post, excerpted from a Heal Overeating: Untangled support call, Karly shares her experience with her "last 10 pounds," and her insight into the impulse's deeper meaning. "I would say that in my life, whenever I'm at a normal healthy weight and I have this desire to be 10 pounds thinner, that's usually a sign for me that there's something else going on. Again, this is my experience, so yours might be different, but the part of me that is typically wanting to be 10 pounds thinner is usually my perfectionist, hard-driving self. It's the part of me that wants to be perfect in every area of my life, because the belief system of that part of me is that unless I'm perfect, I'm not loveable. That part of me, when it speaks, can feel anxious about, 'I've got to get all my you-know-what together and get it together perfectly so that I can feel loveable and okay.' When that part of me is driving the show, I get very tight and tense, and very hard on myself; I don't look at myself with soft eyes. When I make a mistake, it can feel like the end of the world. Fortunately, that might be a part that you have inside you too; we have other parts, and those are the parts that I would encourage you to honor and listen to when you notice that you're fixating on getting to that place of perfection. Again, that question that's framing this call is: What am I needing? Underneath that desire to lose 10 pounds, what are you really wanting? Self-acceptance? To know that you're enough? Unconditional love? Freedom? I know for a lot of us, we hold these beliefs in our head that until our body looks a certain way, we can't enjoy pleasure; we can't go swimming, we can't go dancing, we can't buy the clothes we want, we can't enjoy sex with our beloved, whatever it is with the body. It's like we put on 'if/then'; 'When I lose weight, I will . . .' In my experience, tapping into that deeper need in the body is important here, as well as asking a great question when you notice that you're feeling a little bit controlling toward your weight: Think of the weight as a symbol. What I mean by that is that it's really easy when our lives feel out of control to make the body the scapegoat and say, 'If I only lost 10 pounds, things would be great.' I definitely see that show up for me. In fact, whenever I notice that desire of 'I need to lose 10 pounds,' it's almost always a red flag when the next question I ask myself is, 'Where do you feel out of control in your life, Karly? Is it because your daughter's going through a hard time and you're feeling like you should be able to control that? Is it because you feel concerned about money? Is it because you're feeling nervous about something big that you want to accomplish?' Whatever it is, it's usually not about my body, it's usually about this feeling of wanting to clamp down on some uncomfortable feelings or uncomfortable situations that I'm dealing with. The other thing that I would say about this is that it's very normal and very common. When you're using an inside-out approach to healing, like what 'Heal Overeating: Untangled' is, like what, for example, Geneen Roth's work is, what other people's work like Intuitive Eating, etc. With that inside-out approach, it can look very, very different than a diet, because a diet is all about changing the behavior and then seeing the results -- seeing the pounds come off in X-many weeks -- so many pounds, so many weeks. Whereas, when you start doing the inside stuff, it's a little bit messier. The results that tend to show up, in my experience, last because you're doing all this juicy inner work that has a much greater long-term affect and it also takes a little bit longer. The results aren't as immediately apparent, First Ourselves no 5:42 http://www.firstourselves.org/when-mistakes-happen/ http://www.firstourselves.org/when-mistakes-happen/#comments Tue, 28 May 2013 21:16:55 +0000 Karly Randolph Pitman http://www.firstourselves.org/?p=19226 http://www.firstourselves.org/when-mistakes-happen/feed/ 2 In this audio excerpt, Karly shares her experience with, and observations of, mistakes as part of the human experience. She offers a way of relating to our mistakes that enables us to move forward through the challenge of the growth process -- to find ... In this audio excerpt, Karly shares her experience with, and observations of, mistakes as part of the human experience. She offers a way of relating to our mistakes that enables us to move forward through the challenge of the growth process -- to find the grace and mercy to create the shifts we want to make in our lives with food and beyond. "Mistakes are part of that human journey and human condition. How do we react to them? How do we relate to them? I use that word 'relate' intentionally because it's a relationship. One part of mistakes is just the fact that they are going to happen. We are human, and intentionally or not, mistakes are going to happen. How can we kindly relate to them? What kind of relationship do we have with our human imperfection? To me that's a powerful teaching, because what I intended to do for a long time and what I've seen in a lot of other women's lives who have food stuff, is that we tend to want to perfect ourselves out of mistakes. We would like to get to some sort of state where we are so personally developed, spiritually developed, emotionally developed and on, and on, and on, and on, that we never make a mistake. Almost like we think of ourselves as a house that's being remodeled, and if we can just update the landscaping, remodel the bathroom, and put new carpet in the family room -- if we finally get to the end of that to-do list -- then the house is going to be absolutely perfect and there will be nothing wrong with it. We can look at ourselves in a similar way, like a giant self improvement project, wanting to be fixed. Can we relate to mistakes in a different matter, with some compassion, and more than that, with willingness to learn? How do we learn from our mistakes? To me, that's a powerful question. I hear you all saying, "It's not just a matter of being compassionate towards them." You actually want to shift some of your behavior to change what we can change. In my experience, if we relate to our mistakes in a kind way, that lays the foundation for the change, for being able to relate differently to them. Then in those moments when we find ourselves getting caught and we're not acting in the way we want to, and we get reactive and we lose it with a spouse or we lash out at a friend, or we lash out at ourselves with food, that we can find that self-forgiveness, we can find that thread of learning, and reflect on how we can do differently next time. In my perspective and experience, there are two parts of caring for mistakes. How do we, number one, care for ourselves and the hurt that the mistake brings about? Because it's often not the mistake itself that causes so much suffering. After this call, if I eat two bowls of ice cream, that would be a little painful and it would definitely send my digestive system into some turmoil, and I wouldn't be feeling very good tomorrow. Yes, there would be some repercussions there that may not be very comfortable, and I'd have some sugar cravings for a couple of days. But the biggest pain that I have found is the emotional layer that we add on to it, how we react to that mistake when we add a layer of blame, self-loathing, shame, or guilt on top of it. Boy, that mistake just feels as big as Mount Everest. The first part is caring for ourselves and the hurt, and then the second component for caring for mistakes is supporting ourselves, learning, and growing so we can act differently the next time." Many of us feel like we have to crack the whip against ourselves in order to make the changes we long for. Yet, kindly turning towards our mistakes can lead to stronger and firmer boundaries. And, the suggestion to abstain from punishing ourselves for our mistakes isn't a prompt to go to the other extreme, saying, "anything goes." The key is in finding the middle way; tenderly caring for our human mistakes, while not getting mired in guilt and shame, hopelessness and helplessness. Wanting more hands on help: First Ourselves no 3:37 http://www.firstourselves.org/resting-in-our-deepest-self/ http://www.firstourselves.org/resting-in-our-deepest-self/#comments Thu, 23 May 2013 19:06:07 +0000 Karly Randolph Pitman http://www.firstourselves.org/?p=19051 http://www.firstourselves.org/resting-in-our-deepest-self/feed/ 0 People often ask Karly - how can I lose weight in a way that isn't ego based? How can I practice both self acceptance and ask myself to change? If I am cultivating an identity that is true to my deepest self, People often ask Karly - how can I lose weight in a way that isn't ego based? How can I practice both self acceptance and ask myself to change? If I am cultivating an identity that is true to my deepest self, shouldn't I give up concern with my physical body altogether? Karly responds to these poignant questions in this transcribed excerpt from a recent Q&A call. "It's a bit of a paradox, because, in my experience, saying that you want to have your identity rest in your deepest self is not saying that we should just ignore our physical body or our health. In other words, to go from one extreme, where we think, 'Well, I am my body. I am this human ego,' we can go to the other extreme and say, 'Well, that's not me.' We can become complacent. We might say, 'Well, it doesn't matter anyway. So why should I care for my body? My essence is love, and it doesn't matter what I weigh.' So that, I think, in my experience that's kind of ping-ponging from one to the other. So there's a paradox at work there of no, you're not you body. You're not your ego. And, if there are patterns in your life that are causing you suffering, yes, we want to do what we can to shift those. But our intention is a little bit different, and that intention makes all the difference. It's not about, 'I'm going to fix myself so I finally feel lovable and okay.' Because there is not enough fixing you can do in the world to make you feel lovable and okay, because feeling lovable and okay, again, is about resting that lovability and the worthiness and that goodness in our deepest self. But that doesn't mean that we can't put forth effort to change habits that are painful for us. Whether they're habits of food, or habits in our relationships, or healing, or wounds we're carrying and unresolved hurts, or whether it's money stuff -- whatever it is, it's the way we go about changing it. So self-acceptance and self-love does not mean you can't lose weight, and it doesn't mean you can't ask the self to make changes. It's just you're asking them in a different way. You're asking them because you don't want to see yourself hurting. You're not tying your feelings of self-worth based on them. I'm working on several kind of habits in my relationships with my family right now. One of them is equanimity. It's a real practice for me, as a highly intuitive, empathetic person who can feel everybody's feelings around me. So equanimity, holding on to my center, that's one that I've been really working on. It's not like I give myself gold stars and pat myself on the back when I notice that I'm honoring my intentions and holding my center more. Sure, that's part of it, but it's something deeper. It's more like a sense of [breathing out], like an exhale, like I'm coming home to who I am. Who I am with a capital W. Again, it's trusting that . . . it's more of an unfolding and letting our true selves out to shine. All of us have conditioning. We've got layers of habits and things that have affected our personality and the way we interact with the world. All those things have been shaped by the people around us. Our very brains have been shaped by our primary relationships, particularly when we were young. So all those things have taken who we were, this little baby that came into the world, and have influenced us. Yet, that baby, if you've ever seen a baby, a baby has its own essence. They don't come here just as an empty blank slate. My babies had very different personalities from the get-go. So it's that. It's more like we're returning to who we are. It's kind of a shedding, like a shedding of some of these layers that we've accumulated. Resting our identity in our deepest self does feel good, but again it's not a 'rah, rah, look how good I am, look how evolved I am, look at how much better I am.' It's more like a peaceful exhale." Wanting more hands on help: This month we're exploring the theme of "healing through love" on Firstourselves.org. First Ourselves no http://www.firstourselves.org/resting-lap-love/ http://www.firstourselves.org/resting-lap-love/#comments Tue, 14 May 2013 03:13:17 +0000 Karly Randolph Pitman http://www.firstourselves.org/?p=18991 http://www.firstourselves.org/resting-lap-love/feed/ 12 http://www.firstourselves.org/unhooking-from-the-craving-self/ http://www.firstourselves.org/unhooking-from-the-craving-self/#comments Wed, 08 May 2013 19:09:28 +0000 Karly Randolph Pitman http://www.firstourselves.org/?p=18967 http://www.firstourselves.org/unhooking-from-the-craving-self/feed/ 3 http://www.firstourselves.org/befriending-hunger-with-compassion/ http://www.firstourselves.org/befriending-hunger-with-compassion/#comments Fri, 03 May 2013 06:48:24 +0000 Karly Randolph Pitman http://www.firstourselves.org/?p=18817 http://www.firstourselves.org/befriending-hunger-with-compassion/feed/ 4 http://www.firstourselves.org/breaking-free-from-the-broken-self-trance/ http://www.firstourselves.org/breaking-free-from-the-broken-self-trance/#comments Tue, 23 Apr 2013 18:57:10 +0000 Karly Randolph Pitman http://www.firstourselves.org/?p=18723 http://www.firstourselves.org/breaking-free-from-the-broken-self-trance/feed/ 4