I have 4 minutes left of my daughter’s “naptime.” She is at the fragile state of needing-a-nap-but-wanting-anything-else-but-a-nap. I really dislike that stage. So, after the 3rd door opening and attempt to convince me that she had just slept all she needed, I made her a deal.
I said, “Give me 10 minutes Lucy. Go lay down for 10 minutes. I will set my timer and open the door when it beeps. If you are awake, you can come out. Deal?” The door closed. And has stayed closed for the last, now, 2 minutes. Who knows what I will find when I open that door.
But I will open that door. I will keep my promise. I will not lie to her.
But, why do I lie to myself? Why do I say this is the last snickers. . brownie. . . luna bar. . . sweet potato muffin, when I know darn well I will do it again. Why do I pretend that what I eat might be unhealthy mentally, but certainly it won’t make me gain weight. . today. Surely these cookies will just sit around while I am gaining the resolve to figure out how to lose weight.
And who shrunk my jeans by the way?
Twenty seconds to go. This is it. I opened the door. Asleep. That is what she needed, even if she didn’t know it.
I know exactly what I need, but I keep opening the door, pretending I’m not tired, pretending that I’m okay with how I look and what I’m eating, pretending that I am a wholesome eater who keeps all the rules that she enforces on her children. And just like the child that refuses the nap, I wander around cranky. But I am cranky with guilt. Cranky that even though I know exactly what I need to do, I am secretly ticked off that I have to do it.
Sugar ain’t my friend in this. But it isn’t the enemy either. It just is. I imbue it with what I want it to be in my life. And what I want it to be is: powerless.
I want food to enliven my soul and enrich my life. I want to live and write and dance and move and not spend my time wondering when I can be alone in the grocery store again. I ache to be free, but am terrified. Maybe I should just give myself 10 minutes without sugar, then 10 hours, and then maybe 1 day.
Sit with that for awhile and when that time is up, if I feel better, I’ll keep going. I’m sure I’ll feel better, and maybe I can keep going, just 10 minutes at a time. I’m starting my timer now.