I got several emails this week from women who feel utterly discouraged. They’ve been doing lots of powerful healing work, and while they see shifts in how they’re relating to themselves – they’re kinder and more aware of the feelings under the food – they’re frustrated that these shifts are not carrying over to shifts in food. They’re still overeating, bingeing and their weight is higher than ever.
Here’s my response:
I want to normalize this for you and share that this is a normal, natural part of the journey. I went through it. Most people who stop dieting and take an inside out approach to healing food suffering (and this includes those of you who are fans of Geneen Roth’s work) go through this. In fact, in both Geneen Roth’s books and in Intuitive Eating, another inside out guide to healing, the authors describe how the inside out approach usually looks messy for a while. So let me reassure you: you’re not doing anything wrong.
The key word is “for a while.” it’s just for a time. Beloved, it will pass. It’s not forever.
In the meantime, here’s why it’s so darn messy:
Many of you know that I was sugar free for a long time – but it was only because I was in super rigid control mode. When I started doing the emotional work to heal the roots of my addiction, the messiness factor was off the charts! On the outside, everything looked like it was falling apart. I gained weight, went back and forth into sugar, was overeating, and was doing a lot of emotional processing that, frankly, hurt.
When we turn inwards, what happens is that all the stuff that we had buried, avoided, ignored, eaten around comes up to the surface. We feel up to our necks in, well, ick. It can feel overwhelming.
When you’re in this space, it is super easy to feel like it doesn’t work, that you’re doing it wrong, and that you’re headed down a 1 way street to 300 pounds. Things are falling apart, and you’re processing deep seated hurts. Not exactly fun, huh? We can panic as we watch the scale rise, as we go through rounds of intense overeating or bingeing. We can compare ourselves to others and think there’s something wrong with us.
There’s nothing wrong. You’re just healing. During this part of the journey, your main tasks are to heal and grieve. Grief is messy. It takes time. It takes energy. It can be draining. It’s a big process, and it takes commitment.
This is different than growth. Healing lays the foundation for growth, as growth comes out of healing. The messy healing work is what allows you to grow, shift and change those pesky habits with food.
So the task before you is this: Dear one, can you give your heart, body, mind and spirit the space it needs to heal so that you can grow? Are you willing to give yourself mercy while the hurts are healed?
Most of us like to skip the healing and go right for growth. Of course! We’re impatient, we get irritated at our human messiness and wounding, and we just want to be over it. We want to fit into our clothes, drop the weight, and stop the bingeing. Enough already!
I know I can get super, super impatient with myself during this part of the journey. This is because it feels incredibly vulnerable to be a messy human being who’s in process – particularly when we live in a world where it’s all about the externals and where messiness is not tolerated. We may feel like we’re the only one who’s feeling this way.
I shared here that in February, I hit my highest weight in 14 years. I’d been deeply grieving for many reasons, processing trauma, and healing some deep seated wounds. The result? Messiness!!! And yet…and yet….it was a season of healing, not a season of growth. I was exhausted. Completely spent. My body said, “Rest.” My heart said, “Rest.” And so I rested and bought bigger clothes and did my best to be very, very kind to myself. I napped. I slept. I reached out to friends and loved ones. I healed.
Only a few weeks ago did I find the strength to begin to exercise again. Based on how my clothes fit, I can see that the pounds are slowly coming off. It’s not an overnight fix. But I’ve learned an incredible lesson that is worth every pound: I learned that I can have compassion for myself in all circumstances, to love every single bit of me – even those parts that are dark, hurting, and wounded.
When we get reactive, when we overeat, when we act like a 2 year old, when we overreact, it’s so easy to make ourselves wrong. To blame and judge ourselves and close our hearts. To get through the messiness, I offer this suggestion: what if you didn’t make the messiness wrong, as I didn’t make my weight wrong?
Could you accept that it just is? Can you have compassion for the hurting part of you that’s healing?
When we’re healing, and it’s messy, we think it will never turn around. But, darling, it does and it will. Yes, it takes time. It’s a process. And yet as the hurts are healed, as they’re cared for, as the trauma is healed, more energy’s freed up to live. To be. To move forward.
You will find your way back home again. Eventually, you’ll go back to grounding, to the routines that help you, as I did. You can use less energy for healing and use more towards growth. You’ll pick up a bit of exercise; you’ll reflect on your food choices. You’ll pause and ask yourself, “Do I really want to eat that?” You’ll start taking those baby steps forward.
In the meantime, when you’re in the healing stage, give yourself lots and lots and lots and lots and lots (and LOTS) of loving support. This is particularly true if you’re healing trauma. A counselor has been crucial for me in helping me heal my own hurts.
Recognize that you’re healing and care for yourself accordingly. Extra sleep is great. So is time with people who love you and remind you of your goodness. Spend time in nature. Call on love. Cry. Weep. Hold your heart. Watch a movie that makes you laugh. Pray. A lot.
Your humanity is not wrong, but something tender and precious. There is beautiful tenderness in your very vulnerability. Caring for your tender humanity – all of it – is a doorway to belonging, to Divinity, to wholeness, to forgiveness, to peace. To freedom from food suffering.
I have been doing alot of inner healing the past year – or so, and now I know why my weight continues to rise.. i eat. I eat foods that give me comfort – and then mostimes, I beat myself up & I feel so sad inside. I just want to stop the bingeing and eat in moderation all those things that are not really good for me. – the book Intuitive Eating sounds good, I might see if I can buy it
Dear Robyn,
If I can normalize your experience for you, I would share that when I dove in and did lots of inner healing, my weight went up at first, too. That’s because I started turning towards and feeling all the stuff I’d been running from! So much came up to be processed, whew! Over time, my weight stabilized and went down as I found greater strength/practice in feeling my pain and difficult feelings without soothing them in food.
But this process does take time, and yes, I often felt impatient with it. Especially the mess!
The weight loss will come, dear one, and I applaud the courage that has moved you to look inside. That’s such a huge, empowering step. Even if it looks a bit messy on the outside, it’s what brings the deepest freedom, and how you grow. So I bow to you and offer encouragement to keep going.
In love and care, Karly
Karly, I wanted to thank you for articles like this. I had some time of thinking I was free of this “food” thing but 2011 was maybe the hardest year I have had so far and it lead me back to old behaviors that I struggled with so many years ago. Since recognizing I was powerless on my own and that I needed help, I have enjoyed your Sugar book, have been on this site constantly for inspiration and comfort, and have been doing the Untangled program. For the first time in my life, I have hope. It isn’t perfect but I am learning to be okay with that and that is such a gift. Thank you for sharing your vulnerable side and in doing so, establishing a place where I feel like I am not alone with this monster that likes to camp out in my head.
Dear Mam Karly,
I’m 15 years old, a high school student and I had been recently going on a week-long press conference outside my town, but before that, I was following an weight-loss eating pattern that only limits up to 1100 calories daily. Surprisingly, it worked, over 6 months I lost 10-12 lbs. But during the trip, I was with some friends who didn’t follow the same eating pattern as I did, and since I can be easily manipulated by peer-pressure, I think I just went past my intake limit during those days. And also during those days, my digestive system became slow, and I was always constipated, no matter how hard I try to eliminate the things need to be eliminated from my body, it wouldn’t work. TT-TT (NOOOO!!!)
I’m just afraid that if I can’t eliminate the wastes, it will clog in my digestive system and my stomach will bulge and burst. (I don’t want that to happen… ->.<- )
Just recently, (since today was the last day of my trip) I have been eating rice, bread and a lot of protein for breakfast, pastillas, roasted chicken and rice for lunch, A LOT OF TARTS in the afternoon (at this time, I swore to myself that I will never eat dinner) and pineapples, dried papayas and biscuits at night (FAILED).
WHAT SHOULD I DO? Now I'm planning, to dump all of it out by using laxatives (this usually works but one time, I tried it the day before my event and it only gave me a stomach ache) … I'm just so tired of feeling bloated… I don't want to be called 'fat' again… and I also don't want people of my age seeing me fixing my problem…
please Mam Karly help me.
Hi, I need help! I’m 16 and I’ve recently been bingeing. Food just tastes so good and I feel like I have no self control! I’ve gained 8 pounds in 1 month and I’m just scared to death of becoming overweight! I’m in school and don’t have time to seek professional help. I had a bingeing problem since I was in the 6th grade, and by 9th grade I was 17 pounds overweight. I really wanted to appear attractive, so, in the 9th grade, I lost 42 pounds and then was 15 pounds underweight. I was diagnosed with anorexia. I wanted to get better for my mom and so I could avoid the psychiatrists and such, so I gained the 15 pounds in a matter of 2 months. I was able toaintain that healthy weight until a month ago, and I feel like I can’t control how much I eat anymore. I’ve tried to control myself, I’ve asked God for help, and now I’m asking my mom for help, but nothing seems to help. I’m sorry this is so long. Reply if you’d like to and please pray for me, if you’d like to.
I returned to this article recently when I found myself in a pattern of bingeing after having some time of binge-free living. The title was exactly what was happening to me – gaining weight and bingeing again. The article says when we turn inward, all the yucky stuff comes to the surface. I likened this to cooking ravioli – as it starts to boil, one ravioli surfaces, then a second, then a third, and then another and another, faster and faster. I had been turning inward, and it was during those periods of NOT bingeing, of not stuffing life with food, that issues (ravioli) starting surfacing. I felt overwhelmed. I turned to food instead of compassion. To find my way home again, I regrouped, accepted what had happened (many times), and found a way to care for myself. I also remembered what I had learned from Karly, that healing is NOT a linear process…it is up and down, up and down. So now I’m climbing back up….with new ideas, a new plan, but always the same goal of self-care, acceptance and compassion. Compassion can stop the bingeing, and only then can I deal with the ravioli!
Dearest Karly,
Such a wonderful article “help I’m gaining weight”, so perfect. I emailed it to my husband because it so articulately explains something I was trying to say to him this morning. Thank you.
Hi Karly, it is like you are in my head saying and knowing exactly what I’m feeling and needing to hear. I just hit my highest weight in 10 years, and have been feeling frustrated…I’m doing both of your courses-Untangled, and How To Become Binge Free. It is slowly becoming easier to just love myself. Thank you for being here and being real. Peace be with you,
Kat
Kat,
Our hearts are connected; we all feel the same feelings and experience the same challenges. How wonderful to know that on the deepest level, we are not alone; that our feelings and needs and stuck points are common to everyone. Our shared humanity is such a blessing.
I’m grateful for your loving notes and am so glad that the material is helping you. Loving yourself is a powerful gift. A precious one. And the foundation for everything else! So a huge pat on the back to you.
I think I’ll follow up next week with another blog that talks about the practical, day to day way I applied what I’m talking about here and how I found my way back to grounded, healthy routines….
XOXO, Karly
Karly, thank for always being honest and open and there. I’m in the messiness right now and struggling to get out. I needed to read this right now and at this very moment. I thank God for you and hope you are doing well.
Bless you, Colleen
Hi Colleen,
How wonderful to hear from you! I’ve missed you.
Messiness is never fun, is it? Boy, there have been times when I get so snippy and angry and frustrated and annoyed by my messiness. I just want to get it under control and make it go away! I hope that this normalizes your feelings for you and helps you feel less alone.
Here’s a snippet for you from a Danna Faulds poem, Awakening Now: “Perfection is not a prerequisite for anything but pain.”
This is what my dark night of the soul has taught me: that to hold our human messiness so tenderly is the most precious of gifts. It is the gift of love…”and the greatest of these is love…”
XOXO, Karly
Ugh. This is me for the last year – bingeing and gaining and being generally miserable, but now I can tell that I am coming out on the other side, wiser and more patient with myself. It’s still hard some days (most days), but the easier days are coming more often. And I thank God for that.
Dearest Jill,
This too shall pass. This too shall pass. This too shall pass.
I think it was a tough year for a lot of people. I am gladdened to hear that your time of challenge is easing….spring is coming to you, dear one.
Sometimes I chuckle to myself when I think about how everything fell apart for me this past year and how I just felt so overwhelmed by it all. And then this comes to mind: how could I teach self compassion if I didn’t live it? And how could I live self compassion unless I learned to be compassionate towards all of me – including – especially – the messy parts?
May everything grow our compassion, our love, our forgiveness, the bounty of our hearts. May we trust that one baby step at a time, we can walk our way back home.
I’m so proud of you – you have not given up on yourself.
XOXO, Karly