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Healing a binge with unconditional love

May 31, 2011 By 7 Comments

We all have ways of caring for ourselves – coping mechanisms – that look really, really messy on the outside. This may include overeating or sugar bingeing. It’s easy to label and judge them as bad or wrong – “I should know better. I should be able to manage life differently.”

This self judgment – so painful – leads to strategies to eliminate the “bad” parts of ourselves. We try to “cut out” the impulse to binge, we see it as an enemy to be conquered and fight against, we may look at it as something that needs to be controlled and employ all sorts of tactics (white knuckling, weighing and measuring, and more) to stop it.

The problem with this approach is that we’re fighting against ourselves. We’re trying to heal by eliminating a part of ourselves. How can we feel whole when we feel split? In my experience, we can’t.

Even if the outward behaviors are helpful – for example, most people find structure (a rhythmic way of eating with boundaries around certain foods) helpful with food bingeing. But if these structures are based in fear and control, they don’t last and don’t feel good. We go back and forth, around and around in circles, and feel very frustrated.

I’d like to offer another possiblity. (I share how to do this in my sugar workbook, Becoming Binge Free, and Heal Overeating:  Untangled. I also teach this approach in a compassion based support group for food “stuff.”) Instead of cutting off parts of ourselves and making them wrong, what if we included them in the circle of self compassion? What if we stopped looking at them as the enemy and saw them as parts of ourselves with unmet needs, who are hurting, who want to come home and rest in our unconditional love?

What if we looked at the drive to binge as a cry for love? What if we looked at it with love?

I think of the pull to binge as a small part of me, a scared little girl, who’s crying out for help. She’s feeling caught, vulnerable, small and separate, and the pain is too much to bear. It hurts, oh how it hurts, so she pulls away from the pain, like a hand pulling away from a burning stove. She pulls away and soothes herself with food.

She’s not trying to cause me pain by bingeing; she’s trying to protect me from it. Her intentions are good, even if the impact of her actions isn’t ultimately helpful. This isn’t a reason to bash her; it’s a call to care for her.

The impulse to binge is based in kindness. Self protection. It’s a “sign of the love we bear for ourselves,” as Sri Nisargadatta wrote. Turning towards this impulse with love, with care, with non judgment, asking it, “Sweetheart, tell me all about it. What are you wanting to tell me?” is how we gently redirect it from the food, the fix, the flight and into the love of our beautiful, beating hearts – where healing is possible. This is where the wound can rest, knowing it’s safe, secure; at home. This is where we find the ability to soften the binge, to care for ourselves differently.

This was beautifully expressed in this survival prayer from a reader, Estelle, who offered to share her poem here with you. May we all find the love of compassion for every part of ourselves. May we all be free from food suffering.

Ode to the Survival  Machinery….
-pain and discomfort are  guaranteed in life.
-my body is hard-wired  to interpret discomfort as possible danger
-my body is hard-wired  for fight, flight, freeze and fuel up when
threatened.
-an urge to grab, hoard  and prowl for more is how my body reacts,
how my body is  programmed to go fending for me…..
Thank you,  Survival Machinery for intending to  protect me from
harm.
Thank you for the  hypnotic focus on getting what feels desperately and
urgently  needed.
Thank you for the  intensity that pushes and propels me.
Thank you for the power  that is unwilling to be stopped……..
I acknowledge  you.
I become  willing to embrace you.
I breathe into you–now  in this moment…….
Please feel yourself  held and surrounded by love
Your intention is heard,  your intention is honoured…..
Are you willing to be  heard? are you willing to be honoured?
Are you willing to trust  in the truth of that  love?
Now, in this  moment?
Is there room for  something bigger?
Now in this  moment……….
Stop, breathe and let  yourself be held……

 

 

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Filed Under: Overeating, Sugar

Comments

  1. Kelly65109 says:
    June 13, 2011 at 12:46 pm

    I too, just found this website via a google search on food addiction. It is lovely to know I am not alone. I’m tired of feeling like a crazy person (the only one who does this to herself) when it comes to food bingeing. Thank you for putting yourself out there for the rest of us. Thanks to all the other subscribers too. I hope to explore the sight and emails, blogs etc. to find out more. Karly, I’d be interested in reading about your own struggles, is it posted on the website somewhere?

    Reply
  2. Tammy says:
    June 5, 2011 at 8:36 am

    Thanks for this website and for sharing this poem. I felt soothed just reading it. And, it is so uplifting to know I am not alone. I am working through the Untangled course right now and a question about bingeing has emerged.

    I am wondering if anyone else out there has had this experience. I manage to subdue an “all-out” binge but then I find myself nibbling throughout the entire day on foods that just aren’t healthly at all. It is almost as if I am diffusing the bingeing—trying to disguise it. But sneaking in these continual foods over the course of a day can have the same negative effects as a more overt binge. Has anyone else experienced this? Can I confront this behavior as I would a “regular” binge?

    Thanks for any input,

    Tammy

    Reply
    • Karly Randolph Pitman says:
      June 5, 2011 at 11:15 pm

      Hi Tammy,

      What a great question – I know many, many others have felt this way, too, because they’ve asked me! I’m so glad you spoke out here so that I can write a public response. I can very much relate to your experience as I’ve done both kinds of overeating – the slow, build up, mindless munching kind and the in your face bingeing kind.

      I liken binges to a panic attack because of their pattern: a build up of intense emotion/distress/stress that gets to be too much to bear. It looks for an outlet and finds a release in food. These binges are a very intense form of fight or flight. They tend to feel explosive and are accompanied by racing thoughts. It’s almost like you can’t think straight. Everything feels very urgent, insistent, and tight. There’s this build up and a feeling of, “If I don’t eat, I’ll scream!”

      The second scenario you describe is mindless munching. When we’re in this pattern, the urgency or intensity is less. And yet we still feel hooked by the food. It’s still a form of fight or flight but softened by degree. It’s almost like there’s a rumbling, an undercurrent of anxiety, tension, or discomfort that is almost imperceptible, and yet very much there. That’s what we’re pulling away from when we munch. A binge is more like a freight train. It’s much more in your face.

      Both are attempts to protect ourselves from pain. That’s why we flee – the pain feels too much to bear. Both hurt in their aftermath, as we feel the sadness of overeating.

      So any approach that soothes the urgency, stress, and anxiety or that cares for the feelings underneath the food will help. In my experience, turning towards my feelings (whatever I’m running from) is what lowers my stress, the anxiety, and what soothes the voice that says, “I have to eat this food or else….”

      What we’re learning how to do is self soothe without food. We’re learning how to directly care for our feelings and our pain rather than running, fighting, avoiding, suppressing, covering them up and more. (We have a lot of coping strategies as human beings! :) I know I sure do.)

      When I find myself mindlessly munching, I find it easier to check in with myself than when I’m spiraling and am caught in an intense binge. I’m not so “hooked” yet so I can pause and look inward. I do this by literally pausing and asking myself, “Hey – you’ve eaten nearly a whole bag of cheese puffs today. Hm – I wonder what that’s about?” And then I kindly listen to what comes up. I may uncover that I’m feeling anxious about finances, or that I’m sad about the argument I had with my spouse, or that I’m feeling angry about something. With this awareness I can care for these feelings – my fear, anxiety, sadness, grief, anger, etc. – instead of running from them into food.

      You may also find this post helpful on the 5 kinds of overeating: http://www.firstourselves.org/2011/5-reasons-why-you-overeat/

      Also, session 8 of Untangled offers some tools and coping strategies for cravings of any kind. In particular you’ll learn the tool of “rocking your cravings to sleep,” something that I find incredibly soothing. This can help with mindless munching.

      Hope that helps! XO, Karly

    • Karly Randolph Pitman says:
      June 5, 2011 at 11:19 pm

      Also, for those of you who are curious, the Untangled we’re referring to is Heal Overeating: Untangled, an audio program that you can find here:

      http://www.firstourselves.org/overeating-support/

      I share the tools that helped me heal the emotional roots of my food “stuff,” how I learned to care for my feelings without food and heal my pattern of emotional eating.

      XO, Karly

  3. oceanaway says:
    June 3, 2011 at 6:06 pm

    I just found this website and am in awe at how it feels like you’ve read my heart and mind. Things I couldn’t find words for you have been able to put in writing. I look forward to reading this website even more. Thank you.

    Reply
    • Karly Randolph Pitman says:
      June 3, 2011 at 7:45 pm

      I felt such connection and belonging in reading your comment, and gratitude that my words – and yours – can foster this connection between us. I am happy that my words touched you and nurtured something that needed tending in you.

      What a relief to know we’re not alone, to feel our common shared humanity.

      I hope you feel safe and inspired by what you read on First Ourselves. It comes from my deepest heart, as a woman waking up, as a woman learning self compassion and unconditional love. May you feel that love from my heart to yours.

      Warmly, Karly

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