Editor’s note: This article has been among the most popular on First Ourselves. Listen to this special message on working with the energy of jealousy to foster growth, peace and freedom.
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There can be a snide competition between women, where we allow other women to be beautiful …. to a point. Other women can be pretty, as long as they’re not too pretty. A woman can be beautiful, but if she’s also smart, organized, and a great mom? Forget it. We gossip about her and secretly love seeing her slip up. We alternate between wanting to be her and, well, hating her.
I remember a friend from college, a heartbreakingly beautiful girl who incited much envy from other girls. (I will be flat out honest and share how intimidated I was of her when we first met!) Her crime? She let her beauty shine: she wore make-up, curled her hair and dressed stylishly. When girls spoke about her beauty behind her back, they would whisper, “But she wears a lot of make-up,” as if that could explain away her beauty.
This competitive drive, this need to label – am I beautiful? am I pretty? how pretty? where do I fall in the beauty spectrum? – keeps us from honoring our unique beauty. It squelches our individuality. Instead of enjoying our beauty, and trying to be our best selves, we act like junior high girls who all have to dress alike, talk alike, and look alike. Jealousy at work.
If we believe that we are in a giant, cosmic beauty pageant with other women, that other women’s beauty somehow diminishes our own, or if we are addicted to being the prettiest woman in the room, we will never feel good enough. Instead of befriending other women, or celebrating their gifts, we will see them as the enemy, and do everything we can to knock them down. Instead of befriending ourselves, and our own bodies, we will see them as the enemy, and do everything we can to knock them down.
I think of how I’ve spent much of my life trying to be someone other than me. Or, a better, improved version of me. Celebrate my gifts? My unique beauty, body, personality? No. When I was a teenager, with a boy’s body, I wanted breasts and hips and thighs like my friends. When I was a curvy new mother – with breasts and hips and thighs – I wanted to be like that young teenager. When I moved to Montana, I tried to show that, yes, I’m a part of the club: I like the outdoors and camping and clogs. I dutifully traded my skirts and make-up for jeans and a parka.
The truth is I don’t like camping. I’d much rather wear a skirt and heels than jeans and clogs any day. I am emotional and tenderhearted and sensitive. This is me. This is who I am. All of my efforts to be more like everybody else only left me unhappy and lost. The truth is that I don’t fit in….when I’m trying to be someone other than myself.
I read this statement in Eat, Pray, Love last night: “God dwells within you, as you.” I don’t have to change and be more like someone else to be okay. I am perfect … just as I am. I am beautiful …. just as I am. Inauthentic living – trying to be someone I’m not; trying to look like someone I’m not – and beauty are contradictory forces. I can’t be beautiful if I’m ashamed of who I am and what I like. I can’t be beautiful if I’m scrambling my energies trying to be more like my friends, my peers, or a model on a magazine. The most beautiful woman that I can be is … me.
As I free myself to be authentically, proudly me, I free other women. As I let my beauty shine, I open up a space for other women to shine. Sometimes, this means giving women permission to be drop dead beautiful – prettier than me – and to love them for it.
When we’re feeling jealous, we think someone else has something we don’t or can’t have. It can arise because we think beauty is a limited commodity – your beauty somehow takes away from my own, or vice versa. It becomes a scarce resource we fight over so we can get our “fair share.”
We can also feel jealous or criticize others when we’re living dishonestly. Instead of looking inside at how we compromise our integrity, we project these feelings onto others. Instead of feeling the regret or lack of authenticity, it’s much easier to feel jealous. It’s safe, because it can be all about someone else.
Last week, I met a friend for coffee. This is a woman with impeccable style. As long as I’ve known her, she’s looked like she stepped out of a magazine, even in her schleppiest clothes. It would be easy to envy her fantastic wardrobe, her great style, her trim body, her physical beauty. For years, I was envious – because she dressed like I wanted to dress … if I had the courage. Today, I admire her. I admire her courage to wear a skirt and knee high boots in the middle of a Montana winter - her authenticity – because it reminds me how much I love putting on a skirt and heels, and gives me the nudge forward to do so.
And yet the only way I could find that admiration was by – gulp – recognizing that the things she gave herself I didn’t allow myself to have.
Jealous feelings arise when we’re being inauthentic – silencing our style or our beauty, or, on a greater level, the very things that bring us happiness – and we see another woman who is expressing her style and beauty. We see her confidence in being true to herself and want the same for ourselves. That woman pricks us, hooks us with envy, and brings that uncomfortable contrast to the surface. Jealousy.
Instead of using these feelings as cause to hate a pretty woman, or worse, to use them as ammunition to hate yourself for feeling jealous, I gently invite you to use that discomfort to unleash your true self. Use your envy like a pitchfork, to dig underneath whatever keeps you from being authentic and find that juicy, creative, beautiful manna that resides inside, just waiting to burst forth. Jealousy is only a signpost, to guide you to a place where you feel lacking. Think about how you can fill that lack by being authentic to who you are, to your body, to your beauty, and then sharing that with the world.
Most importantly, forgive yourself for feeling jealous. It’s quite human, an attempt to protect ourselves from pain. In writing this article, and in honestly sharing how much I’ve felt jealous, I hope to normalize this emotion and talk about the elephant in the room – how much we can feel competitive towards each other.
Hopefully, as we meet our envy with kindness, we can soften it’s hold.
This is why this practice is important to me: When we’re jealous of other women, when we’re competing with each other, we crumble the foundations of our very support. Women need each other. I’m reminded of this everyday, when a girlfriend or my mom or my aunt comes to my aid. While I adore my husband, and am bolstered by his support, it’s different. It is the women in my life who uphold me and understand my feminine journey.
And, likewise, I validate and support and uphold the women in my life, I increase the courage and strength of women everywhere, every time I let a beautiful woman be beautiful, a strong woman be strong, a pretty woman be pretty; every time I let me be me.
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And karly you have the sexiest voice!
I’m going to sound soo rotten and full of myself right now and im sorry! But alot of people i meet in my life do say im beautiful or stunning. But for some reason I feel average or ugly. I see theese pretty women in the media like katy perry, megan fox and cheryl cole. Women who men seem to be obsessed with and im thinking is this what men expect from me now? for me to look completely polished and glammed up every single day. With the flat toned six pack, professional amazing makeup and the full collagen lips. It has put me off men for life!!! How can i be this perfect woman every single day? I just cant be that person. My boyfriend says im beautiful and so do his friends and family, but yet he still fancies female celebs who aren’t even that great looking. Aren’t i enough for him? I feel so depressed. It feels like men just cant be satisfied with one woman no matter how gorgeous or kind she is. I used to admire beautiful women, but now i feel ill just thinking about seeing one. My heart falls to my stomach when im with my partner and i see a pretty girl walking by or on TV. I dont feel good enough for anybody. I feel like a failure. I want to look like someone else all the time. Im becoming obsessed.
I pray to god to make theese negative feelings go away. But nothing changes. Dont know how much longer i can take it.
I feel the EXACT same way. Wish we could somehow be a support system for each other…
Last night my man told me that he really wants to not be attracted to other women but he CANT HELP IT.
That hurts so much. I feel like I will never be able to truly be in love with him when I know he thinks of other women when we have sex. I dont even think I will ever get married because I dont want to be ‘trapped’ in a marriage with a MAN whose thoughts and lustfulness DISGUSTS me.
Hes such a great guy otherwise, he treats me good and I know he wouldnt be unfaithful….But just the fact that I know I am not the only women he finds attractive eats me alive and I dont want to be this way either…I just cant help it like he cant help it….
F#@$ !!!
To Eliza
omg…it is as if you just said everything that I feel and think, I am exactly the same. I even get angry when my boyfriend watches a movie with a pretty/sexy girl in it and ill be like it for ages because something inside me knows that hes looking at her in a certain way that i wish he looked at me and it kills me, that feeling where ur heart drops or you get that jealous feeling where by you feel your blood boiling i hate it and yes i always want to be someone else there is so much i want to change about myself and it horrible because u feel like your living in someone else’s shaddow
but sometimes you have to remeber is what is megan fox? she’s not a real woman like you she is an air brushed image of what should appear as beautiful, you are real…i know the feeling you critisise everything about that person to make u feel better and until i found this page i thought i was the only one that felt like this…
I agree that we should never use our jealousy to tear other women down. I am jealous of beautiful women nearly every hour of my life, but I make sure to say three positive thoughts to them for every negative one, and never let myself speak about their physical appearance in anything but positive tones.
But I don’t really buy that we can somehow use our jealousy to get to the “beautiful” creative woman within. Sometimes… people really are ugly. And ugly people are treated differently than pretty people. So what if I think I’m beautiful… no body else does. If I lived alone by myself on a desert island, that’d be fine, but I have to interact and live among people who treat me differently based on how I look, and treat OTHER women differently based on how THEY look.
How could I not be jealous?
I like some pretty girls. Some pretty girls I can’t stand. Sometimes I think it has to do with how the girl treats me.
Some pretty girls are down to earth and fun. They have personalities and are willing to treat you with respect, and value your opinion. While I might be intimidated with these women, eventually I get past that to see who they really are.
Some pretty girls are jerks! They act like the world revolves around them and all shall bow to their fantastic-ness. Those are the pretty girls I can’t stand.
Sometimes, when I am looking deep within, I am jealous because I have “let myself go” since I have been married. I no longer spend $200 on getting my hair styled every 8-10 weeks. I no longer get my nails done once a month, and I have gained some weight. I no longer spend an hour getting ready in the morning and I wear whatever is clean. I regret some of my decisions and I wish I would have at least watched my weight a little better. Maybe I am jealous of the pretty girls because they are what I used to be… as if I let myself slip away… Now I am older (35) , and feel like I wasted some of the best years of my life in a body that was to heavy for me. *pours out heart*
There is one women in particular I am very jealous of and I have no reason to be. I am married to a wonderful man who loves me unconditionally. She is single. But she is more beautiful on her ugly day than I was on my beautiful days. She walks in the room and the room stops to admire her beauty. She has amazing fashion sense, and wears brand new clothes every week. Co-workers rearrange schedules so they can work with her rather than me, even though I am more experienced and a better worker.
I just feel like I can’t measure up. Let’s face it, beauty is everything and if you don’t got it, you don’t have anything….
I dont dislike pretty women, and have a lot of “pretty” friends. I dislike women that are pretty but quite boring and men can’t see past their beauty to see how unappealing they are because of how pretty they look. If I see a pretty woman with a shining personality, I’m like ok I get it, she deserves anyone she wants. But sometimes you see some lame, fake people pleaser that gets tons of attention, and it just makes you hate the world for how blind and shallow people are. BTW i have rarely been the prettiest in the room, so if i got upset with anyone that was prettier than me it would be pretty ridiculous, I just dislike PRETTY WITH NO PERSONALITY.
Thank you for your honesty.
You may find this poem on being “pretty” powerful, by Kate Makkai at the national poetry slam:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M6wJl37N9C0
I really enjoyed reading this article as well as listening to the audio message. Idk, maybe God lead me to this site or something as I was pondering over some things. EVERY woman who is honest with herself has, at some point, been jealous toward a woman and her unique beauty (whether physical, talents/gifts, career status, marital status, intelligence, and the list goes on) The key really is knowing what makes you beautiful, so you in turn allow other women to shine and be beautiful as what Karly said. I will definitely be passing this on!