Editor’s note: This article has been among the most popular on First Ourselves. Listen to this special message on working with the energy of jealousy to foster growth, peace and freedom.
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There can be a snide competition between women, where we allow other women to be beautiful …. to a point. Other women can be pretty, as long as they’re not too pretty. A woman can be beautiful, but if she’s also smart, organized, and a great mom? Forget it. We gossip about her and secretly love seeing her slip up. We alternate between wanting to be her and, well, hating her.
I remember a friend from college, a heartbreakingly beautiful girl who incited much envy from other girls. (I will be flat out honest and share how intimidated I was of her when we first met!) Her crime? She let her beauty shine: she wore make-up, curled her hair and dressed stylishly. When girls spoke about her beauty behind her back, they would whisper, “But she wears a lot of make-up,” as if that could explain away her beauty.
This competitive drive, this need to label – am I beautiful? am I pretty? how pretty? where do I fall in the beauty spectrum? – keeps us from honoring our unique beauty. It squelches our individuality. Instead of enjoying our beauty, and trying to be our best selves, we act like junior high girls who all have to dress alike, talk alike, and look alike. Jealousy at work.
If we believe that we are in a giant, cosmic beauty pageant with other women, that other women’s beauty somehow diminishes our own, or if we are addicted to being the prettiest woman in the room, we will never feel good enough. Instead of befriending other women, or celebrating their gifts, we will see them as the enemy, and do everything we can to knock them down. Instead of befriending ourselves, and our own bodies, we will see them as the enemy, and do everything we can to knock them down.
I think of how I’ve spent much of my life trying to be someone other than me. Or, a better, improved version of me. Celebrate my gifts? My unique beauty, body, personality? No. When I was a teenager, with a boy’s body, I wanted breasts and hips and thighs like my friends. When I was a curvy new mother – with breasts and hips and thighs – I wanted to be like that young teenager. When I moved to Montana, I tried to show that, yes, I’m a part of the club: I like the outdoors and camping and clogs. I dutifully traded my skirts and make-up for jeans and a parka.
The truth is I don’t like camping. I’d much rather wear a skirt and heels than jeans and clogs any day. I am emotional and tenderhearted and sensitive. This is me. This is who I am. All of my efforts to be more like everybody else only left me unhappy and lost. The truth is that I don’t fit in….when I’m trying to be someone other than myself.
I read this statement in Eat, Pray, Love last night: “God dwells within you, as you.” I don’t have to change and be more like someone else to be okay. I am perfect … just as I am. I am beautiful …. just as I am. Inauthentic living – trying to be someone I’m not; trying to look like someone I’m not – and beauty are contradictory forces. I can’t be beautiful if I’m ashamed of who I am and what I like. I can’t be beautiful if I’m scrambling my energies trying to be more like my friends, my peers, or a model on a magazine. The most beautiful woman that I can be is … me.
As I free myself to be authentically, proudly me, I free other women. As I let my beauty shine, I open up a space for other women to shine. Sometimes, this means giving women permission to be drop dead beautiful – prettier than me – and to love them for it.
When we’re feeling jealous, we think someone else has something we don’t or can’t have. It can arise because we think beauty is a limited commodity – your beauty somehow takes away from my own, or vice versa. It becomes a scarce resource we fight over so we can get our “fair share.”
We can also feel jealous or criticize others when we’re living dishonestly. Instead of looking inside at how we compromise our integrity, we project these feelings onto others. Instead of feeling the regret or lack of authenticity, it’s much easier to feel jealous. It’s safe, because it can be all about someone else.
Last week, I met a friend for coffee. This is a woman with impeccable style. As long as I’ve known her, she’s looked like she stepped out of a magazine, even in her schleppiest clothes. It would be easy to envy her fantastic wardrobe, her great style, her trim body, her physical beauty. For years, I was envious – because she dressed like I wanted to dress … if I had the courage. Today, I admire her. I admire her courage to wear a skirt and knee high boots in the middle of a Montana winter - her authenticity – because it reminds me how much I love putting on a skirt and heels, and gives me the nudge forward to do so.
And yet the only way I could find that admiration was by – gulp – recognizing that the things she gave herself I didn’t allow myself to have.
Jealous feelings arise when we’re being inauthentic – silencing our style or our beauty, or, on a greater level, the very things that bring us happiness – and we see another woman who is expressing her style and beauty. We see her confidence in being true to herself and want the same for ourselves. That woman pricks us, hooks us with envy, and brings that uncomfortable contrast to the surface. Jealousy.
Instead of using these feelings as cause to hate a pretty woman, or worse, to use them as ammunition to hate yourself for feeling jealous, I gently invite you to use that discomfort to unleash your true self. Use your envy like a pitchfork, to dig underneath whatever keeps you from being authentic and find that juicy, creative, beautiful manna that resides inside, just waiting to burst forth. Jealousy is only a signpost, to guide you to a place where you feel lacking. Think about how you can fill that lack by being authentic to who you are, to your body, to your beauty, and then sharing that with the world.
Most importantly, forgive yourself for feeling jealous. It’s quite human, an attempt to protect ourselves from pain. In writing this article, and in honestly sharing how much I’ve felt jealous, I hope to normalize this emotion and talk about the elephant in the room – how much we can feel competitive towards each other.
Hopefully, as we meet our envy with kindness, we can soften it’s hold.
This is why this practice is important to me: When we’re jealous of other women, when we’re competing with each other, we crumble the foundations of our very support. Women need each other. I’m reminded of this everyday, when a girlfriend or my mom or my aunt comes to my aid. While I adore my husband, and am bolstered by his support, it’s different. It is the women in my life who uphold me and understand my feminine journey.
And, likewise, I validate and support and uphold the women in my life, I increase the courage and strength of women everywhere, every time I let a beautiful woman be beautiful, a strong woman be strong, a pretty woman be pretty; every time I let me be me.
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This was very comforting to read. I really needed to feel at piece with my body and how I look these days. Thank you Karly for this article!
Wow, what an a-ha moment! Things are never as they seem. And even if that woman in line would have said, “I take really good care of myself,” I think you would’ve been okay with that, too. I am so proud of you. You are an example for us all.
Thanks for this. As I posted on another topic, I have been feeling jealousy toward other women my age (61) who were wiser than I and are still fit and trim and full of energy. I am filled with self loathing and regret about letting myself get so huge and out of shape. I don’t harbor any ill will toward these other women, but I do beat myself up for what I have allowed to develop over the past 7 years.
I know it is odd to reply to my own comment, but I have a follow-up. After I posted that, I was out shopping and was in line in front of one of “those women” who inspire my jealously. I struck up a friendly conversation and asked how she stayed so trim into her “golden” age. She replied ( in a gravely voice) that she has smoked for her entire adult life and was stressed to the max. She was so busy that she often didn’t eat for and entire day. Her family is in shambles and she never sleeps at night for worrying about the safety of her daughter and grandchildren.
I get it now. I’m done wanting to be someone else who appears to be what I long to be. I am as healthy as I can be at my weight, and my family is strong and safe. I have a job I love and I know that, through this job, I am helping people have better lives. I wouldn’t trade any of that for having the perfect body.
I take responsibility to get busy and eat better and exercise more to do the best I can to be healthy. I will be grateful for my life and family as it is, and know that I have no excuses on that front for my size.
I know that not all fit 60-somethings are in poor health and stressed like the woman I met. Some have lovely lives and live in a healthy manner. They will be my models for getting as fit as I can. I accept that I will never again be bikini-ready, but that’s fine with me.
I really struggle with this issue, and now that I’m in my late 40′s it seems to be worse. My husband works with a woman who is 14 years younger than me, a bit taller, a bit prettier and to top it off she flirts and talks dirty to the mostly male employees. I know he discourages her, but he also mentioned that in the beginning she ‘turned his head’.
I can’t seem to accept the fact that he finds her attractive, even though I know he loves me very much and would never do anything to jeapordize our marriage. I’m also pretty, but it’s very hard to compete with someone like this. It’s also difficult knowing that they work very closely all day together and I see him for maybe a couple of hours a day. They have so much in common because work means a lot to him, and she is good at her job, etc.
For some reason I always felt the need to be ‘the prettiest’. I hate that she talks to people around my husband in a suggestive way, and it makes me sick to think the guys eat it up, when to other women, it’s so transparent. When I e-mail him and he doesn’t answer because he’s working on something with ‘her’ it makes me mad. I try to tell myself that I have no control over the fact that they work together and he finds her physically attractive. I just keep driving myself crazy, and feel like I’m 14 instead of 47! I’ve been obsessing over her for 2 years now, and can’t seem to get past it.
As a result I’m very moody and depressed. I’ve been seeing a therapist, but it hasn’t really helped with my natural jealousy.
I hope some day that I can change my outlook. This article and posts make a lot of sense to me, but actually adopting them is harder to actually do.
I know that nothing we can say can change the way you feel, although I am sure you are beautiful, amazing, and “turn” many other guys’ heads. It has to be you- a moment where YOU finally get it. I just wanted to share a thought that helped me with my jealousy. I realized that the more I PUSHED, TRIED, FOUGHT it, the worse it got. The more I just let it go, breathed, relaxed, released control, trusted, had faith…. the better it got.
I hear that many of you feel jealous of other women because of your partner’s reaction to them. For further reading on handling jealousy with relationships, here’s a great article:
http://www.redefiningmonogamy.com/relothers_noteaboutjealousy.html
This article was like a Godsend. I have just had a huge argument with my boyfriend of 2 years. Basically, I have always had self-image and body-image issues, and been perfectionistic to the point of self abuse. It’s the strangest thing, bc every bf I’ve ever had, including my current bf, has always loved the way I looked. I’ve never had issues with straying eyes or cheating mates. However, despite being with a guy that loves me and treats me wonderfully, I am convinced that I am not pretty enough or thin enough or perfect enough. I am paranoid about him encountering other women he thinks are attractive. Sometimes I feel so depressed about myself that I avoid mirrors. In my job, I am in front of the camera, I am judged on my looks, and whatnot. I am 100 lbs and 5’3″, but my dream weight is 10 lbs less and 4 inches taller. I can pick problems with every inch of my body other than my hair. It’s gotten to the point where when people stop me on the street and give me compliments, I try to smile and fake my acceptance of the compliment, but secretly I am thinking, “they’re just being nice” or “There is no way that what they’re saying is true”. I just cannot truly accept or believe compliments. My bf tells me I am beautiful, (he frequently tells me at random times he sees me – in the morning, on the car, late night walking the dogs), and that I am perfect for him like an beautiful and kind angel, I just can’t believe him. I know I am kind and I treat others well, but I think my appearance is my biggest downfall.
I had a breaking point today, and basically broke down. After begging me to try to love myself and understand that he loves me and thinks I am beautiful, regardless of whether or not other women are pretty, I promised to try to change the way I view myself. I just don’t know how. I really didn’t. And I kept telling myself that I must be crazy, that other people don’t have issues like this.
I am so thankful that this article was written. It was like you were speaking to me directly. It is wonderful motivation and points me in a good direction to start improving my self-esteem.
Thats true.. but what happens when your boyfriend cant stop staring at her?
should i let him look – because he is a man and thats what they do?
or should i be thretend by her? perhaps im not good enough, and he wishes to be with a woman that looks like her..
=[
saby-thanks for understanding! You need to start loving yourself more, in order to attract positive people in your life.
Caitlyn- I’m sorry to hear about your situation. I am no expert, but I think that both you and your boyfriend have issues. As you admitted; you have self-esteem issues,it sounds to me like these self-esteem issues stem from the fact that you feel validated by how your boyfriend views you. If he feels turned off by you, then you feel as if you are not attractive enough for him. I’m sorry to say this but he is using manipulative techniques to kill your self-esteem so that you will never leave him. My ex boyfriend used to do the same to me. I used to have the lowest self-esteem of my life during the 7 months I was with him. Although, many other men would look at me, and compliment me, he would still make it sound as if I was nothing special. And he would also stare at every single woman that he’d see on the stret or anywhere else. Even if the woman wasn’t attractive, he’d still keep staring like a moron. I found myself getting paranoid and jealous over every woman, and then one day I realized that it wasn’t me, it was HIM!
He is making you feel this way. From what you described, it seems like no woman would ever be enough for him, because he seems to be very insecure, and he is using you as a extension of himself, and not treating you with the love, respect and compassion that you deserve.
I would suggest you have a very long talk with him, where you reevaluate your relationship. Tell him how you feel, and ask him why he doesn’t give you the respect you deserve. You need to set well-defined boundaries. For example: my husband knows that it’s ok to look at other beautiful women, but not gawk like a pervert. Boundaries must exist! If he’s not willing to cooperate, then he is not worth it, trust me hun!
I have gained some hope from reading these comments, but I am a kind of a basket case. I have been with my boyfriend for just over 2 years and my self esteem is getting lower and lower. He has quite a few friends that are girls and one that he has slept with in the past (I feel like I never want to see what she looks like).
A year ago I came across some porn and naked women in very suggestive poses in pictures or stripping in videos (he says he likes videos best) and have been freaking out since then. He now goes back and forth between feeling guilty about masterbating to women and then saying it is normal because he is a guy. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I have messed everything up by not being comfortable with myself. I have a full on panic attack whenever I see a VHS in his player with “show girls” or when we hang out in his computer room. It feels like I have created a phobia and now I am just avoiding and crying.
I have the hardest time accepting that he loves me the way I am and that the women he looks at aren’t a threat. I am always thinking about how he must not be satisfied with just me and he needs to look at other women to feel whole or something.
When he wasn’t looking at any of it (right after I found pictures and videos and freaked) we didn’t have as much sex. He wasn’t as turned on and then I felt even worse about myself. He loses his sex drive when he isn’t looking at naked women besides me.
I don’t want to feel depressed and inferior to these women anymore. I don’t want to be bitter and hate every women on TV, in movies, on the street, online, etc…
I have become horrible and I am really scared of what people will think about me now…
angela, i understand you, i don’t have many female friends either, and it sucks , i am a good girl ! it breaks my heart actually ! i always say, until a woman loves who she is on the inside, no amount of beauty can make her feel good about herself
Great article, I agree with you! I commend you in the fact that you admit having felt envious/jealous of other women in the past. I think most women (including myself) have felt a sense of jealousy, as jealousy is a typical human trait. When I was 15-16, I was on the verge of becoming anorexic, because I felt I wasn’t thin enough (mind you I was 5’5″, and weighted under 100 lbs back then)but I still wanted to have the body of my younger sister. I was sick, and jealousy is a sickness as well. But like most diseases, it can be healed through prayer, emotional support and determination.
Jealousy tends to stem from low self-esteem, and general internal dissatisfaction. Try using these negative feelings to your advantage, if you feel jealous towards a certain woman, then use that negative energy to hit the gym, or go for a run/walk. Also, if you don’t like the way you look, change your hairstyle, reinvent yourself. Before, I got married, I felt very sexy, and I would always get noticed by men in clubs or elsewhere. [I don't want to sound conceited] but I used to always turn heads. After I got married, I felt like some of sexiness had somehow disappeared, and I believe that was due to the fact that I didn’t care to go out much, and didn’t have anyone to impress lol. So, I started feeling unhappy, and I realized that my unhappiness was stemming from my low self-esteem, so I once again, started dressing up, applying make-up and overall take care of my appearance.
Sorry for the book, but I really like this topic and I wanted to add a few more things. I have no problem admitting that a woman is beautiful, I have also told my husband that I don’t have an issue for him admitting that as well. We, as human beings love beauty and anything that looks of aesthetic value to the eye. However, I have issue having female friends, they seem to be jealous of me for some reason. I don’t consider myself as someone exceptionally amazing, I’m just me, I’m myself. Whereas, these women feel uncomfortable around me because of my education level, and overall level of knowledge, plus i suppose I’m not too shabby looking lol. I feel bad about making these women feel uncomfortable, but I am being myself, I cannot be someone else just because I make someone feel uncomfortable. I grew up surrounded by mostly men plus I work with mostly men, and I feel very comfortable talking to men, and women for some reason dislike me. Go figure!
I like this article,it tells us not to be jealous,we should find ourselves,show the public which is the ture us
All i know is I AM Beautiful…no matter what they say.
Interesting comment. I know men like pretty women. Even my husband, who does treat me like I measure up, acknowledges that he admires other pretty women besides myself. At first, I was stung by this. Then I realized, why not? His acknowledgment of another woman’s beauty does nothing to detract from his love for me, nor his appreciation of my unique beauty.
And that’s the key for me — to see the beauty in someone else without feeling diminished by it. One thing that helps me is complimenting other women very freely and appreciating their beauty. I find this helps me for those times when I’m feeling envious. After all, acknowledging another woman’s beauty does nothing to detract from my own. It’s only my need to compete that thinks another woman’s beauty takes something away from me.
That being said, there is a big difference between appreciating beauty and treating someone you love as “less than” after comparing them to another. Comparisons are cruel. Period. To everyone involved. I don’t condone that kind of behavior whatsoever.
Any other thoughts on this matter, readers?
Exactly! This article has been extremely comforting to me, thank you so very much for your investment of time here.
I have been wrestling with this very issue more often than usual lately and I have developed a bit of a formula that I say to myself that has proven very helpful. Here it goes: “She is a beautiful woman, and I am a beautiful woman. She has a different kind of beauty than I do, and I can admire, accept, and appreciate the difference in our beauty and in doing so, I am made that much more beautiful.” That’s a lot of words for all the pretty woman I encounter (!) but it has been a lifesaver emotionally for me.
What if your husband/boyfriend always look at the ‘prettier’ woman and treats you like you dont measure up!
I understand your struggle. I went to a private university where I was surrounded by beautiful, accomplished women. Most of us were also a little weight obsessed, too! So it was a challenging environment for me, and for every woman who attended there — even the ones who you think don’t struggle.
It’s just a signpost, nothing more, nothing less.
It sounds like you are resisting your jealousy….your insecurity. Instead of feeling ashamed by it, or “bad” or juvenile, why not sit with your jealousy and see what it has to teach you. What does it need from you? What lesson does it bring? How can you offer this side of yourself acceptance and compassion?
Just the other day I was in yoga class and feeling jealous of the woman’s butt in front of mine. At first, I was embarrassed that I was feeling jealous, and in all places, a yoga class. Yes, I got the irony. But I was able to sit with my envy, as uncomfortable as that was, and recognize its gift. What did it bring me? A wake up call to take better care of myself. That’s what the jealousy represented: the me who has been skipping workouts and eating too much junk was hooked by the woman in front of me who isn’t skipping workouts and eating junk
When you can embrace even the parts of yourself that you dislike, and integrate them with your whole being, you may find the jealousy has very little hold on you. You’ll be able to ride the wave of the e-motion and move from fear to love. From this place, you can celebrate the beauty of your roommate as well as the beauty in you — a wonderful feeling of honoring and cherishing beauty in others without feeling that painful stab of, “But what about me?” And you’ll also be able to see that you emotions, your jealousy, your insecurity aren’t really “you” at all, but temporary feelings that come and go, like clouds in the sky.
I’m right there with you. It’s a journey we all undertake, especially as women.
I can’t thank you enough for this article. A once confident young girl, I would have never imagined college would turn me into the insecure woman I am today. It’s amazing and horrifying how being assigned a gorgeous roommate freshman year has greatly altered what I see in the mirror. Today, in many ways, I feel more like a little girl than I did in highschool. This article spoke so much of what I’ve been too ashamed to admit to myself.
Really, this meant a great deal to me.
This was a really in depth article on self -acceptance. I have been on the receiving end of much hatred, even before someone has gotten to know me. And naturally myself I have found myself jealous of other women who seem to have a perfect body, or look hotter, etc.
I had an old co-worker and while when I first met her I treated her as a co-worker or even potential friend but then she became really strange and crazed and would give me dirty nasty looks and hostility. I wound up strongly disliking her, and competing with her on some weird level. It wasn’t that she was that pretty it was just that natural female competitiveness.
However I’m going to try to be more aware of my behavior and others. Sometimes I’ll see even a photo of some gorgeous girl on that net or in passing and I’ll feel instant jealousy or insecurity but that comes from not really accepting myself.
JEALOUS OF ANOTHER WOMAN. OBSESSED & INFATUATED WITH ALL WOMAN. VERY INSECURE ABOUT ONESELF. SAD & MISERABLE WITH THE LIFE YOU LIVE.
Though this was written in February and its now July, it ministered to my spirit tremendously. The quote, “addicted to being the prettiest woman in the room,” hit me like a ton of bricks. I have spent so much time, focus and energy wanting, needing, demanding attention and compliments that I literally fell into depression when I didn’t receive it. I asked God to free me from this because I know He wants to use me to encourage other women. He is freeing me and He led me to your website. This article was/is a blessing. I am going to get the book you mentioned tonight. Its time to start realizing, “God dwells within me, as me.”