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Editor’s note: This article has been among the most popular on First Ourselves. Listen to this special message on working with the energy of jealousy to foster growth, peace and freedom.
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There can be a snide competition between women, where we allow other women to be beautiful …. to a point. Other women can be pretty, as long as they’re not too pretty. A woman can be beautiful, but if she’s also smart, organized, and a great mom? Forget it. We gossip about her and secretly love seeing her slip up. We alternate between wanting to be her and, well, hating her.
I remember a friend from college, a heartbreakingly beautiful girl who incited much envy from other girls. (I will be flat out honest and share how intimidated I was of her when we first met!) Her crime? She let her beauty shine: she wore make-up, curled her hair and dressed stylishly. When girls spoke about her beauty behind her back, they would whisper, “But she wears a lot of make-up,” as if that could explain away her beauty.
This competitive drive, this need to label – am I beautiful? am I pretty? how pretty? where do I fall in the beauty spectrum? – keeps us from honoring our unique beauty. It squelches our individuality. Instead of enjoying our beauty, and trying to be our best selves, we act like junior high girls who all have to dress alike, talk alike, and look alike. Jealousy at work.
If we believe that we are in a giant, cosmic beauty pageant with other women, that other women’s beauty somehow diminishes our own, or if we are addicted to being the prettiest woman in the room, we will never feel good enough. Instead of befriending other women, or celebrating their gifts, we will see them as the enemy, and do everything we can to knock them down. Instead of befriending ourselves, and our own bodies, we will see them as the enemy, and do everything we can to knock them down.
I think of how I’ve spent much of my life trying to be someone other than me. Or, a better, improved version of me. Celebrate my gifts? My unique beauty, body, personality? No. When I was a teenager, with a boy’s body, I wanted breasts and hips and thighs like my friends. When I was a curvy new mother – with breasts and hips and thighs – I wanted to be like that young teenager. When I moved to Montana, I tried to show that, yes, I’m a part of the club: I like the outdoors and camping and clogs. I dutifully traded my skirts and make-up for jeans and a parka.
The truth is I don’t like camping. I’d much rather wear a skirt and heels than jeans and clogs any day. I am emotional and tenderhearted and sensitive. This is me. This is who I am. All of my efforts to be more like everybody else only left me unhappy and lost. The truth is that I don’t fit in….when I’m trying to be someone other than myself.
I read this statement in Eat, Pray, Love last night: “God dwells within you, as you.” I don’t have to change and be more like someone else to be okay. I am perfect … just as I am. I am beautiful …. just as I am. Inauthentic living – trying to be someone I’m not; trying to look like someone I’m not – and beauty are contradictory forces. I can’t be beautiful if I’m ashamed of who I am and what I like. I can’t be beautiful if I’m scrambling my energies trying to be more like my friends, my peers, or a model on a magazine. The most beautiful woman that I can be is … me.
As I free myself to be authentically, proudly me, I free other women. As I let my beauty shine, I open up a space for other women to shine. Sometimes, this means giving women permission to be drop dead beautiful – prettier than me – and to love them for it.
When we’re feeling jealous, we think someone else has something we don’t or can’t have. It can arise because we think beauty is a limited commodity – your beauty somehow takes away from my own, or vice versa. It becomes a scarce resource we fight over so we can get our “fair share.”
We can also feel jealous or criticize others when we’re living dishonestly. Instead of looking inside at how we compromise our integrity, we project these feelings onto others. Instead of feeling the regret or lack of authenticity, it’s much easier to feel jealous. It’s safe, because it can be all about someone else.
Last week, I met a friend for coffee. This is a woman with impeccable style. As long as I’ve known her, she’s looked like she stepped out of a magazine, even in her schleppiest clothes. It would be easy to envy her fantastic wardrobe, her great style, her trim body, her physical beauty. For years, I was envious – because she dressed like I wanted to dress … if I had the courage. Today, I admire her. I admire her courage to wear a skirt and knee high boots in the middle of a Montana winter - her authenticity – because it reminds me how much I love putting on a skirt and heels, and gives me the nudge forward to do so.
And yet the only way I could find that admiration was by – gulp – recognizing that the things she gave herself I didn’t allow myself to have.
Jealous feelings arise when we’re being inauthentic – silencing our style or our beauty, or, on a greater level, the very things that bring us happiness – and we see another woman who is expressing her style and beauty. We see her confidence in being true to herself and want the same for ourselves. That woman pricks us, hooks us with envy, and brings that uncomfortable contrast to the surface. Jealousy.
Instead of using these feelings as cause to hate a pretty woman, or worse, to use them as ammunition to hate yourself for feeling jealous, I gently invite you to use that discomfort to unleash your true self. Use your envy like a pitchfork, to dig underneath whatever keeps you from being authentic and find that juicy, creative, beautiful manna that resides inside, just waiting to burst forth. Jealousy is only a signpost, to guide you to a place where you feel lacking. Think about how you can fill that lack by being authentic to who you are, to your body, to your beauty, and then sharing that with the world.
Most importantly, forgive yourself for feeling jealous. It’s quite human, an attempt to protect ourselves from pain. In writing this article, and in honestly sharing how much I’ve felt jealous, I hope to normalize this emotion and talk about the elephant in the room – how much we can feel competitive towards each other.
Hopefully, as we meet our envy with kindness, we can soften it’s hold.
This is why this practice is important to me: When we’re jealous of other women, when we’re competing with each other, we crumble the foundations of our very support. Women need each other. I’m reminded of this everyday, when a girlfriend or my mom or my aunt comes to my aid. While I adore my husband, and am bolstered by his support, it’s different. It is the women in my life who uphold me and understand my feminine journey.
And, likewise, I validate and support and uphold the women in my life, I increase the courage and strength of women everywhere, every time I let a beautiful woman be beautiful, a strong woman be strong, a pretty woman be pretty; every time I let me be me.
Thank you so much for this article. This is absolutely amazing to read and I cannot express how grateful I am. For so long I’ve hurt myself with my own jealousy and am so focused on appearances that I become kind of nuts. But this article, gosh, this article just makes it slightly easier to look at jealousy in a different way, and it’s such a beautiful way to look at it.
I’ve already stopped putting on makeup in an effort to quit feeling like I put on a mask every single day (and always checking in the bathroom if my hair/face/makeup is perfect). It’s still all a bit scary at the moment, but I can’t bloody wait to be free of this bondage of insecurity.
Bless you for this article xx
Wow. I have been reading these comments by you ladies. I can’t believe how many women are jelaous and insecure. I thought I was the only one. I have been through some very hard times in my life lately, so being pretty means nothing to me. People have told me how pretty I am, but I don’t feel it. I think I am ugly. I think I am unusual, I get so insecure. I look in a mirror and sometimes I see what they see, but only for a moment. I get so down when I see other pretty girls. I automatically think they are going to steal my man. I think they plan on flirting with him. I did cross paths with women like that in my past, so I don’t trust no woman, even if she is not all that. Some I do trust,but after I’ve known them for a while. My man tells me how lucky he is to be with me, and I don’t get it. I think I’m a failure and will never meassure up. Sometimes I feel confident in myself and pretty until some other some what attractive (at least)woman turns up and I feel like an ugly duckling compared to her. I don’t know whats wrong with me,people say I am beautiful,smart and funny and so lucky to have it all,but I feel like I got nothing.Why?? Why can’t I see what they see?
I have ben going to the gym and lost the extra weight,toned up and looking better than ever, but I still feel the same. I now see other things,like wrinkles which make me feel ugly. I seem to be over crytical of myself. I only see my flaws and imperfections,not anything else and its magnified. My friends can’t believe I complain about wrinkles, they reckon I got none and look extremely young. I’m so messed up.
It’s got a lot to do with the bombardment of media for us women, I think. Even as a little girl, I was shown pictures in fairy tales of women with delicate features, slender bodies, full, high breasts and long, flowing hair that married handsome princes. Hollywood glamorizes this same look – much of it achieved through plastic surgery,professional makeup artists,stylists, and personal trainers-, and the message from when we are young is loud and clear.. You don’t look good the way you are.You should look like her.
I’d be a lier if I told you I haven’t been affected, and have never bad mouthed a woman i perceived as prettier to make myself feel better. On the flip side, as an attractive woman, I too have been mistreated, and am wary of women in general for that reason. It’s a shame, but it seems to be part of our programming.
These days I just try to look good for me. I eat right, exercise,take care of my health, hygiene, and skin. I dress in ways that make me feel beautiful.I have a career I love, and a man who loves me for me. I think that once the pieces fall into place in your life, you feel better about yourself, and there is no more need to put others down!
Oh and I also like to know you guys opinion of him just to know how others see him not just me…. I forgot to write that he thinks looking at other women is cheating or “eye-cheating” … Idk bout that the point to me is to know if he likes them or not…. He also wonders if I find other guys attractive cuz he can’t do that himself to other girls….. He sees me as this very “gorgeous beautiful girl” but then again he doesn’t want to admit that there will always be someone else better than me!!! I’m just saying that if he can find me attractive, he can find other people att. Too!!! I wish I could believe him but I just don’t cuz I think that’s impossible!!!…. I mean I don’t want him to fall out of love with me cuz of me nagging him!!! Idk what to do….
I’m in the same ” boat as all of you guys here!! I envy or get Jelous at pretty girls everywhere I go!! Dammit! Can’t escape it!! It’s really killing me so I stay home as much as I can because I don’t want to break down in front of people even tough I had before! I just wish I could kill them or something! That’s how much hate I have towards them! I just wish I wasn’t even born !!!
I have a bf , apparently, and ever since the beginning he has been supporting me, been there for me, n I still keep arguing with him if he likes them or not… I would always accuse him of looking but he would say” I didnt even look at no one I was focused on you….. No I don’t like them” stuff like that! I never believed him, sadly! He tells me he only finds me attractive n only me!!! Really?! Who would believe that?! I used to say that is BS!! No guy can only find one girl attractive/ pretty!! Or can they?! I feel bad cuz he used to hurt himself cuz I didn’t believe him or he hasn’t done anything to show me the truth!! I always get like this even when I’m not with him!! Wtf! I tell him don’t you like stupid models?! He’s like “no” I only find you attractive! Who else believes that huh?!!!! He sees me as the most prettiest girl he thinks Im amazing both outside and inside! He also says ” i dont need to look no where else cuz i already have the one i truly want and desire” I think I’m ugly!!! I wonder if that’s the true…!! I wonder if he’s telling me he doesn’t like them just so I wouldn’t be hurt or cuz it’s just the truth!! Ill never know but then again his friends know him n they think he’s trustworthy, honest…. They even call him an angel from God…. I mean I think he was meant to be a priest cuz his just really that kind hearted!!! But he wants to marry me… Wow n his barely 17 n I’m 18…
Beautifully Written!
Your voice is very sexy, I hope your looks also sexy, you should have it.
I have been looking for some kind of insight on jealousy, as I recently acquired my first relationship and have unexpectedly become that typical jealous girl. All I’ve been able to find until this webpage has been about “being happy with who you are.” I understand the concept and why it’s important, but I felt like it was an empty phrase you hear all the time. For me, something was missing. Hearing the sound clip on this page was exactly what I needed to get the right perspective. Of course it’s important to be happy with who you are, but I never realized I first need to ALLOW myself to be who I am. I’ve always been squeamish when conversations about female aspects of life come up (menstrual cycle, pregnancy, etc.) even if it’s only between women, and I think it’s a good indicator of how I hide a whole part of myself away. I don’t even feel comfortable calling myself a woman! I realize I need to see the light in others and embrace it, understand it, so I may become comfortable with my whole self. This is so beautiful. Exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you.
I started dealing w/ jealousy in my 1st marriage it was off the charts. I had since remarried & my husband tells me all i want to hear & is a wonderful supporter. if something on tv makes me uncomfortable he changes the channel. if were out & I spot a threat he agrees to leave or better. i can go on & on & i do agree w/ everyone here. i want freedom. the truth of the matter is my husband is losing out on life. he doesn’t even watch all of the football games because of the cheer leaders …what?? they are shown for a minute at the most & i cant handle it? lol i cant believe myself. i have for the most part my jealousy under control i learned how to control my comments toward my husband. I miss out on life cause instead of going to the candle party Thursday nite im gonna stay home because its football night & Carls Jr. has those stupid ads!!! & i feel like i have to monitor his tv viewing. i would love to know what he does when im not around. lol i know for a fact he aint changing the channel saying oh Marie wont approve of this LOL. anyways this site is awesome & when i see a pretty woman Im gonna try my best to say “let her be beautiful”. i just gotta get it in my head that my husband is truly head over heals for me!!!!
When i walk down the street i get stares from men and from women. I know I am beautiful. Women would sometimes give me very nasty stares. I use to have very low self-esteem but if they staring me down like that it must be something about me that they like. I am the jealous type too. I dont like seeing pretty females. I like to be the center of attention. I dress revealing, and like when guys stare at me and try to get my number. I love my figure. I dont think I can get over my jealous feelings that I have for females. I have been to therapy and everything. and nothing works. Females annoy me, and im always moody.
I feel the same way! More so when I was young, I got stared at by men a lot and glared at by women. Nowadays, it’s usually when I actually wear makeup and nice clothes. But whenever I have gotten glares by other women, I have always felt like I was doing something wrong and it gave me anxiety. To this day, I’m very nervous to dress up b/c I feel like it is making somebody else uncomfortable….women uncomfortable. As a result of other women not being able to control their insecurities, it has made me dislike a lot of females.
It also drives me nuts when I see females who are gorgeous and they flaunt it and act all flirty. There is a difference between showing your light and acting like an attention grabber. So hard to find good chicks to hang with, when there are so many games out there….so much competition and so many insecurities.
I wish that we saw each other as friends not enemies.
Id like to talk to you, I feel the same way!
This was a timely message for me. Thank you for sharing this – I neededthis message.
I’m so glad this was helpful for you, Renee.
Warmly, Karly
I think the most important thing to remember is that all of the celebrities has TEAMS of stylists working on them for hours. The stars don’t even really look “like themselves!” go to google and do an image search for celebrities without makeup. You’ll be shocked! And if your significant other is the type to always lust after the stars show him what they look like without makeup! A lot of men dont realize what a bunch of bs the whole thing is. Men need to be better educated about representations of women in the media.
And next time you feel bad about the way you look or anything else, hre’s a saying to keep in mind: we weren’t created to be all alike, we were created to be ourselves – to fill a place that no one else can fill.
I also have been dealing with this issue here lately. I have aways been the jealous type. These past few weeks it has really gotten ahold of me. I learned after almost twenty years of my husband working without a secretary that they would be looking into hiring one. He also has a new site that he has to visit and that would be the public swimming pool. Imagine a mans dream to be able to work at a pool surrounded by beautiful and young fit women. I have now started to work out and top of all that tried cutting for the first time. My intentions are not to commit suicide but to relieve pressure. I used to think why do these kids do that. The truth is at that moment it doesn’t hurt as much as your heart. I am tired of always comparing myself to others. I want to be happy again so my husband doesn’t have to walk around on eggshells. I too am happy I found this website. I want to stop noticing pretty people who in turn make it hard for me to live. I know pretty is around. I know I am not beauty pagent material, but why do men have to make it such a big deal. With their googoo gaagaa eyes. Even when I do get recognized I feel uncomfortable, because I attract what I don’t find “my husband material”. Thank you again and I will be listening to your video.
I have been struggling with being jealous of other womens beauty for a long time now. It is to the point where i hate myself for not being as beautiful as there are and i know i am not cause i really dont get guys lusting or chasing after me. So i am learning to deal with my issues and know that I will be disappointed when it comes to a man cause i am not very fortunate in the looks.
And karly you have the sexiest voice!
I’m going to sound soo rotten and full of myself right now and im sorry! But alot of people i meet in my life do say im beautiful or stunning. But for some reason I feel average or ugly. I see theese pretty women in the media like katy perry, megan fox and cheryl cole. Women who men seem to be obsessed with and im thinking is this what men expect from me now? for me to look completely polished and glammed up every single day. With the flat toned six pack, professional amazing makeup and the full collagen lips. It has put me off men for life!!! How can i be this perfect woman every single day? I just cant be that person. My boyfriend says im beautiful and so do his friends and family, but yet he still fancies female celebs who aren’t even that great looking. Aren’t i enough for him? I feel so depressed. It feels like men just cant be satisfied with one woman no matter how gorgeous or kind she is. I used to admire beautiful women, but now i feel ill just thinking about seeing one. My heart falls to my stomach when im with my partner and i see a pretty girl walking by or on TV. I dont feel good enough for anybody. I feel like a failure. I want to look like someone else all the time. Im becoming obsessed.
I pray to god to make theese negative feelings go away. But nothing changes. Dont know how much longer i can take it.
I feel the EXACT same way. Wish we could somehow be a support system for each other…
Last night my man told me that he really wants to not be attracted to other women but he CANT HELP IT.
That hurts so much. I feel like I will never be able to truly be in love with him when I know he thinks of other women when we have sex. I dont even think I will ever get married because I dont want to be ‘trapped’ in a marriage with a MAN whose thoughts and lustfulness DISGUSTS me.
Hes such a great guy otherwise, he treats me good and I know he wouldnt be unfaithful….But just the fact that I know I am not the only women he finds attractive eats me alive and I dont want to be this way either…I just cant help it like he cant help it….
F#@$ !!!
To Eliza
omg…it is as if you just said everything that I feel and think, I am exactly the same. I even get angry when my boyfriend watches a movie with a pretty/sexy girl in it and ill be like it for ages because something inside me knows that hes looking at her in a certain way that i wish he looked at me and it kills me, that feeling where ur heart drops or you get that jealous feeling where by you feel your blood boiling i hate it and yes i always want to be someone else there is so much i want to change about myself and it horrible because u feel like your living in someone else’s shaddow
but sometimes you have to remeber is what is megan fox? she’s not a real woman like you she is an air brushed image of what should appear as beautiful, you are real…i know the feeling you critisise everything about that person to make u feel better and until i found this page i thought i was the only one that felt like this…
I totally understand!! So glad to find your post. I have the most AMAZING love and support I have ever known and I’m still jealous and insecure. You don’t sound horrible by saying “people think your beautiful.” I get the same comments and it still is not enough for me. I always feel this want and need to be prettier or better. I have this feeling and thought I’m never good enough. Why? I can only assume it stems from childhood and teenage years. I get so anxious when im with my Fiance and I see a beautiful, sexy, woman that I know he will think is hot. It’s so bad I have even accused him of looking at woman that was in his vicinity and guess what he didn’t even know who I was talking about. Lol!! Talk about feeling like an a**! I don’t get it! I know the problem is within me though and I acknowledge I’m the only one that can change these insecurities. Atleast we recognize there’s a problem girl. Dont they say that’s the first step lol. I guess if I had 1 question to ask a man I would want to know why???? they have to look?? We see an attractive man and nothing crosses our minds, well those of us who are happy with our partners. I wish you the best and hope your situation is getting better
i know how you feel i get told i am pretty, beautiful and other stuff but when i see a pretty girl i look right at my boyfriend to see if he looks at her then i think well wonder what he is thinking about or what does she have that i dont. I am killing my soul everyday and i wish i knew how to get over it and start beliving what i am told.
Adrienne,
It helps me to appreciate that everyone can feel jealous at times. I know I can. Knowing this helps me relax into my jealousy and realize that it’s okay – it’s not personal. How human of me, of you, of everyone!
That being said, I don’t feel good when I allow my jealousy to take over, to hijack my behavior or mind. That hurts my heart. So this is what helps me –
What I like to do is care for the part of me that feels jealous. I close my eyes and visualize her (she’s usually very, very young) and hold her in my lap like a little girl. I ask her, “What do you need? What are you feeling?” and invite her to tell me all about it. I let her vent and share all her feelings as I hold her with love and compassion.
Allowing this part of me to share her feelings, and then offering this part of me compassion and care – I understand, sweetheart; of course; I know how much you want to be loved – is what helps soften the jealousy. I see it less as my enemy and more as a very tender part of me that just wants to be loved. And I heal its hurt by offering it my love, my self love.
In love and care, Karly
I agree that we should never use our jealousy to tear other women down. I am jealous of beautiful women nearly every hour of my life, but I make sure to say three positive thoughts to them for every negative one, and never let myself speak about their physical appearance in anything but positive tones.
But I don’t really buy that we can somehow use our jealousy to get to the “beautiful” creative woman within. Sometimes… people really are ugly. And ugly people are treated differently than pretty people. So what if I think I’m beautiful… no body else does. If I lived alone by myself on a desert island, that’d be fine, but I have to interact and live among people who treat me differently based on how I look, and treat OTHER women differently based on how THEY look.
How could I not be jealous?
Thank you! EXACTLY that. People tell me all the time, as if I’m a moron, that I’m “nice”, I’m “unique”. The hell does that mean???? NICE?! That doesn’t even mean ANYTHING by standards of acceptance or desirability!I don’t usually talk like this, but I’m actually defined as having dwarfism at 4’9, and NO ONE has EVER given me a second glance out of positive interest. “Be yourself”, they say. “Love yourself”, they say. Gee, thanks jack ass with the unsolicited advice, I didn’t even mention not liking myself, what gave you the grand conclusion I needed that? The fact I’m ALONE EVERYDAY AT MY LUNCH TABLE?!
I like some pretty girls. Some pretty girls I can’t stand. Sometimes I think it has to do with how the girl treats me.
Some pretty girls are down to earth and fun. They have personalities and are willing to treat you with respect, and value your opinion. While I might be intimidated with these women, eventually I get past that to see who they really are.
Some pretty girls are jerks! They act like the world revolves around them and all shall bow to their fantastic-ness. Those are the pretty girls I can’t stand.
Sometimes, when I am looking deep within, I am jealous because I have “let myself go” since I have been married. I no longer spend $200 on getting my hair styled every 8-10 weeks. I no longer get my nails done once a month, and I have gained some weight. I no longer spend an hour getting ready in the morning and I wear whatever is clean. I regret some of my decisions and I wish I would have at least watched my weight a little better. Maybe I am jealous of the pretty girls because they are what I used to be… as if I let myself slip away… Now I am older (35) , and feel like I wasted some of the best years of my life in a body that was to heavy for me. *pours out heart*
There is one women in particular I am very jealous of and I have no reason to be. I am married to a wonderful man who loves me unconditionally. She is single. But she is more beautiful on her ugly day than I was on my beautiful days. She walks in the room and the room stops to admire her beauty. She has amazing fashion sense, and wears brand new clothes every week. Co-workers rearrange schedules so they can work with her rather than me, even though I am more experienced and a better worker.
I just feel like I can’t measure up. Let’s face it, beauty is everything and if you don’t got it, you don’t have anything….
I dont dislike pretty women, and have a lot of “pretty” friends. I dislike women that are pretty but quite boring and men can’t see past their beauty to see how unappealing they are because of how pretty they look. If I see a pretty woman with a shining personality, I’m like ok I get it, she deserves anyone she wants. But sometimes you see some lame, fake people pleaser that gets tons of attention, and it just makes you hate the world for how blind and shallow people are. BTW i have rarely been the prettiest in the room, so if i got upset with anyone that was prettier than me it would be pretty ridiculous, I just dislike PRETTY WITH NO PERSONALITY.
Thank you for your honesty.
You may find this poem on being “pretty” powerful, by Kate Makkai at the national poetry slam:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M6wJl37N9C0
I really enjoyed reading this article as well as listening to the audio message. Idk, maybe God lead me to this site or something as I was pondering over some things. EVERY woman who is honest with herself has, at some point, been jealous toward a woman and her unique beauty (whether physical, talents/gifts, career status, marital status, intelligence, and the list goes on) The key really is knowing what makes you beautiful, so you in turn allow other women to shine and be beautiful as what Karly said. I will definitely be passing this on!