Beauty is something to be cherished. Femininity is something to be cherished. Every woman I know wants to feel feminine and beautiful in her own way. (We each express this need differently.)
And yet our society has twisted this virtue into a source of wounding, suffering, and a painful feeling of, “I’m not pretty, thin, young, sexy (fill in the blank) enough.” We suffer at the hands of these beauty ideals. So do our daughters.
I want to help you honor your innate need for beauty in a manner that nourishes you.
Nourishing beauty
Changing the beauty ideals themselves is not the answer. It’s not about saying, “Dark women are in vogue now or rounder women are in vogue now.” It’s about deep rooted change – examining, “Where does my drive to look a certain way come from?”
True, nourishing beauty comes from our spirituality – from love, grace, mercy, compassion – our virtues. Beauty that harms comes from the ego – from competition, striving, scarcity, separation, lack, unworthiness.
Most of the messages that we receive about beauty come from this egoic standpoint. That’s why they hurt.
How the ego causes beauty pain
The ideal female body that is praised by most media and image conscious industries (Hollywood, the fashion industry, the music industry, the celebrity industry) is a super lean body with large breasts. For 99% of us, this is impossible. (Yes, there are some women who are naturally – and beautifully – proportioned in that way.) This absurdity is not just about body size. As technologies improve and become more rampant, women feel great pressure to stay youthful looking. Looking your age is considered an insult. No wonder women are so hard on themselves.
It’s important to be aware of how extreme modern beauty standards have become, because if you don’t realize that this beauty ideal is unnatural, you can’t have a realistic view of yourself. You’ll see yourself through the lens of this absurdity, and then wonder why you feel so lacking. You’ll feel like there’s something wrong with you when there’s nothing wrong with you: what’s wrong are the perfectionist beauty standards.
Beauty absurdity
This is why it feels so absurd when certain celebrities are called “fat,” women who are a size 8 vs. a 2. What’s absurd is the definition of beauty – calling a woman who isn’t as thin as a rail curvy, fat, or large.
We get into trouble when we think that these crazy egoic beauty standards are normal, natural, obtainable, and good. Upholding these standards takes a tremendous amount of money, time, energy, commitment, maintenance, discipline, and yes, usually a generous helping of good genes. For must of us, it’s not that important.
Creating a beauty norm that honors you
Instead of ego-driven beauty – which is never satisfied, always wants more, and demands to be the best (this is an invitation for chronic dissatisfaction) try experimenting with heart centered beauty.
What is heart centered beauty? How do you find it? Here are a few ideas:
1. Spend some time in quiet meditation. Get in touch with your heart center – what is your heart speaking to you? Spend some time contemplating a virtue such as love, compassion, gentleness, or even excellence. When you ponder these ideals, what comes up for you in regard to how you care for your body?
Let your deepest values guide your behavior. Let your heart – not the mind – determine what is appropriate; what feels fitting and good.
2. Detach from the media. You may not even be cognizant of how much societal expectations influence your thoughts and judgments about your body. As an experiment, consider going on a temporary media fast. I did this when we moved – we had cancelled our cable and much of our mail was delayed, so we were insulated from most media. My feelings of lack about my body greatly diminished when I wasn’t constantly bombarded by TV, magazines, and catalogs.
It felt so good that I decided to continue this indefinitely. I found that my addictive drive to fashion and style fed my ego – not my heart. It led me towards constant cravings for stuff, for self improvement, to be someone other than who I am.
Heart centered beauty meant looking at my body through the eyes of love – instead of the eyes of my ego. I found this much easier to do when I wasn’t surrounded by media telling me to fix this, buy this, change that. With a heart centered approach, I found beauty right where I was – exactly where I was – without having to change anything.
3. Find your own beauty standards. What are you willing to commit to? How important is looking good to you?
Ignore what the fashion industry or Hollywood touts as acceptable. When you’re comfortable with who you are; when you’re comfortable with your standards for yourself, you won’t be hooked by what they demand. You will be confident about what’s important to you, and let the rest go.
4. Create your own happiness. The easiest way you can minimize the media’s influence (and the gossip that fuels body comparisons between women) is by living your own, full life. So many times the media becomes a substitution for living: we vicariously experience life by watching it on screen, instead of participating in it ourselves.
Instead of watching others fulfill their lives, fulfill your own. Then you won’t feel bound by our society’s quirky, insane definitions of beauty. The more you are okay with your own definition of beauty, the more it doesn’t matter what others think or proclaim – their definitions of beauty have absolutely nothing to do with you.
5. Share your light with other women. As you become confident in your own skin, you’ll also become a beacon to other women. They will gravitate to you, and wonder how you do it. You will be a role model for all of those young girls who are confused by those media images; who are trying to figure out: What do I think is beautiful?
