I’ve been speaking to lots of women this week. It’s January. They’re trying to start the year positively – to finally heal this “food thing” (or sugar thing) for good.
These are bright, kind, loving, perceptive women. Women who’ve often been through incredible, heartbreaking challenges in their lives – challenges they’ve handled with remarkable grace and courage. These are women I’d feel honored to count as friends. Most of them see exactly where they get caught in food dependence – sugar, binge eating, overeating, emotional eating, bingeing and purging. They’re not in denial. They’ve been working on their stuff for years.
Many have healed from other addictions such as alcohol or cigarettes. They’ve tried lots and lots of healing strategies to heal their food stuff; they’ve done tons of inner work. They know – and have used – pretty much all the tools out there, whether they’re EFT/tapping techniques, psychotherapy, meditation, mindfulness, spiritual work, hypnotherapy, counseling, approaches that work with changing your inner dialogue (thoughts/beliefs/self talk), medication, nutritional supplements and more. They’ve read everybody on weight loss and food.
Many are in the wellness field themselves – they’re nutritionists, healers, naturopaths, therapists, coaches, nurses, yoga teachers, acupuncturists, spiritual teachers, massage therapists, sound healers, personal trainers, and more. They’re intuitive, sensitive, and empathetic. They’re fabulous at helping people.
They feel frustrated – and like frauds – because they feel absolutely stuck with food. They don’t understand - I know what to do. I’ve done all this inner work. Why can’t I just DO it? Why am I STILL overeating?
I’ve seen this pattern so much – and it was true for me, too – that this year I’ve listened, really listened to deeply understand what’s going on. For a while, I thought emotional healing (I’m limiting my discussion on this post to emotional healing, even while I understand that physical healing is equally important and part of the picture) was about other factors. Perhaps it was knowledge – if I just knew what to do, I could do it. Then I thought it was about understanding – if I understand the roots, that insight can heal me. I thought that changing my thinking or beliefs would do it.
Each of these things helped a bit, but they were not enough by themselves for me and for many of my clients. So what does create emotional healing?
Finding the clues
This weekend my children and I spent Friday night browsing Barnes & Noble. Because it’s January, the table at the front of the store was piled high with weight loss books. (You can imagine.) I thumbed through them in curiosity. This afternoon I was at the library, and browsed the latest weight loss books there, too.
I found some ideas I liked – things like practicing self compassion, relaxed intent (having an intention but holding it loosely), the importance of structure and rhythm, and even appreciating how certain foods like wheat or sugar can lead to addiction.
But there was 1 core idea where I strongly disagreed. At one point, I said out loud, “No! That’s not true!” (You should’ve seen the looks I got from the other library patrons as I argued with a book.)
I was protesting against the “take responsibility for your stuff” solution to healing food stuff. Here’s an example – one book said something like, “If you’re not losing weight, it’s your own fault. If you really wanted it, you’d do it. I’m sorry that sounds harsh, but it’s the truth.” (This is when I started arguing outloud…) A cousin of this belief is, “just do the inner work so you can heal already. Quit making such a big deal out of it.”
These ideas, in my view, completely miss the point. If we could, we would. As I see it, everyone is doing the best they can. “Taking responsibility” or “just doing it” feels trivializing to people in real pain. So why is that for some people, their best is speedy progress? And why do others feel stuck and hopeless?
And here’s another biggie – if we recognize that our food stuff is not just about the body or brain, but is also rooted in the emotions, and we have all this self awareness, why do we feel unable to move forward and create change?
How attachment affects our inner resilience
The answer is attachment. We need to feel securely attached so we can grow.
I’m not going to go into an in depth explanation of attachment theory here, as this post would then be a book. But if this post rings true for you, I encourage you to read more about it. (I share my favorite attachment resources in the comments below if you’d like to learn more.)
In a nutshell, attachment theory says that our basic, fundamental need is to be loved and to belong – to feel connected, secure and safe. These needs are the basic ground floor level of our development. When these needs aren’t met, we get stuck. We have gaps in our development. We develop painful coping strategies – like overeating. (I think lots of addictions would fit in this sentence, too.)
These attachment needs are primal, and go very, very deep in the brain. When these unmet needs are triggered in our adult lives, we panic. We go into fight or flight. My guess is that when we binge, or overeat, we’re feeling this panic of feeling unattached – of being in pain and feeling alone, disconnected, getting zero emotional support or response. We may have felt this way as children. And we feel it in the present when we feel hurt – let’s say our boss says something unkind about us at a meeting – and it triggers all those old feelings of alone, in pain, rejected, abandoned, terrified.
A child who is securely attached feels that there’s an emotionally responsive parent who is there for them – especially when they’re in pain. They may feel hurt at times – it’s inevitable - but they feel held in their hurt. This is what enables them to cope with it – as Dr. Sue Johnson says, “loving connection is the only safety nature ever offers us.” They’re able to adapt and work through the pain.
What insecure attachment looks like
The insecurely attached child doesn’t have this same resilence. They give up easily – very easily. They are easily overwhelmed because they “feel” alone.
A child who is insecurely attached to its parents can be anxious, needy, clingy, insecure. They don’t feel safe, they don’t feel like they can rely on their parent to be there emotionally for them; the bond is fragile. They don’t feel held. Their pain overwhelms them. (It’s this pain I see in my clients when their emotions come up in the present day. They feel the hurt – let’s say they have an argument with their spouse – and it feels overwhelming, like too much to bear. The pain brings up those threatened, fight or flight signals and the brain spins out. They eat to soothe the panic.)
How does that child survive? We cope. In my case, I coped by substituting an attachment. Yep, I attached to food Sugar in particular – sweet, creamy, fatty foods, foods like mother’s milk – became my source of nurturing. Here’s where the stuckness with food starts to make sense – if I use sugar to feel safe, to feel loved, to soothe that panic and terror, you can imagine that trying to remove sugar from my life would bring up these very same feelings of terror, and panic! No wonder it took me so long to unhook. No wonder I resisted it. I felt like a small child losing the thing that kept her tethered….
And it’s this panic that I see in my clients. We work very, very slowly together to help them feel safe so they can unhook from the dependence on food.
Insecure attachment and food
A person who is insecurely attached to food will often be anxious with food, needy with food, clingy with food, insecure with food. Or, they can be avoidant towards it – pushing it away, acting cool, like they don’t need it. This can show up as:
- We love food, and we hate it.
- When we’re not eating, we crave food, we want it, we feel anxious for it. When we’re eating the food, we feel terrified of it and gobble it down – like we don’t trust that there will be enough.
- For many of us, food is our mother. We look to it as we would look to a mother – to meet needs for nurturing, comfort, compassion, connection and understanding.
- We may avoid eating, skip meals so we don’t feel the insecurity, the lack of trust with food.
- We feel terrified (yes, absolute terror) about not having certain foods to eat, like sugar, or about setting limits on food.
- Hoarding food, like stockpiling love.
- Feeling panicky when there’s either too much or too little food.
Why separating from sugar feels so painful
For many of the women I work with, I hear words like terror, abandonment, isolation, deprivation, and panic when they even think about not eating sugar or not being able to eat as much as they want. Strong words! And yet it makes sense in the context of food = mother. If a small child is separated from its mother, that experience is incredibly distressing – nature designed in that way to keep the child safe! We feel the same sense of impending doom about separating from food.
These strong emotions make sense if we see that the reason their feelings overwhelm them – why they turn to food instead – is because they have long buried memories of being in pain and feeling alone, overwhelmed by their pain. That feels rightly terrifying. So they panic when they feel strong emotions. They feel like they hijack their bodies, like they take over, like they can’t handle it. The strongest emotion is often this fear of separation from food.
The pain I hear described to me over and over is a feeling of being completely alone, a feeling of “There’s no one there,” or, “I have to do it all myself.” This often show up in a family role of being the strong one – the person others count on to take charge and be responsible but who feels unduly burdened, that they can’t count on others when they need help. More than anything, they long to let down, to take off the responsibility hat, and to be held. To be cared for. To pass the baton to someone else. Some of them say that sugar is the only way they can do this – the only way they can give themselves a measure of let down, of mothering. And they consciously or unconsciously resist giving up this source of comfort – and understandably so! If their lives feel burdened – and they feel powerless to set limits against these burdens – then the only solution they feel they have is to comfort themselves in order to endure it.
As I hope you’re seeing, it’s not so simple as just “wanting it enough” or “committing.”
Why emotional connection – attachment – is necessary to feel our feelings
Is there anything more painful than to be in pain and feel alone? I’ve given birth to 4 children, 3 completely naturally, and the last 2, at home. Childbirth hurts. And yet, paradoxically, in my natural births, the pain was tolerable. The pain was tolerable because I felt safe – I was with a midwife and nurse I completely trusted, I was in my husband’s loving arms, and I felt surrounded by love and care. My emotional needs were met. I felt secure and because of this, I felt I could handle the pain. It didn’t overwhelm me.
With my first birth, the pain didn’t feel tolerable. I absolutely did not feel safe. I didn’t like my doctor. I’d seen him once for a 10 minute doctor visit, as we’d moved when I was pregnant, and the OB clinic had 6 or 7 OBS that you rotated through on each visit. He didn’t know me from Adam; I was giving birth – a pretty intimate thing! – with a total stranger. He ignored my birth plan and wishes. Same with the hospital staff. I was in a big hospital where nurses walked in and out and I never knew if someone would stay with me and help me through my contractions. I was in pain, I was a first time mom, I felt scared, I felt ignored, I felt overlooked, I felt abandoned! So the pain felt unbearable. I had a last minute epidural when I was fully dilated at the end of labor, even with the risks of getting an epidural so late in the game, because I felt like I was going to go through the roof in pain.
It is contact and closeness – feeling safe, feeling held – that allows us to feel those painful feelings instead of feeling overwhelmed by them and eating them. And it is contact and closeness that helps us feel loved, that helps us feel belonging, so we don’t walk around with such a deep, aching hole in our hearts.
I’ll never forget what one tender woman, a coaching client, asked for in our first call – “Karly, I just want to feel held.” If I do anything for my clients and readers, this is how I believe I help them – I help them feel safe. I help them feel held. I help them feel connected so that the pain doesn’t feel so overwhelming.
We are remarkably brave when we feel cared for. When we feel connected, when we feel “held,” when we feel validated, understood, and safe, we can do what feels really painful, like step aside from the cookies. In fact, it’s how we’re able to say no…
Overeating is an attachment cry
Overeating, sugar bingeing, emotional eating are attachment cries, no different than a baby crying when it’s in pain. At the most basic, basic level, we don’t feel safe. My guess is that people who are able to work through their food stuff with relative ease are securely attached. They have more of a base from which to start. Those who struggle have some degree of insecure attachment.
Fortunately, we can heal the attachment brain. Our childhood pain is not a sentence of hopelessness. Likewise, insecure attatchment is *not* a sign that we had abusive or unloving parents or that our families are “dysfunctional.” As Judy Scheel says, “Many families are enormously loving. Attachment Theory has nothing to do with the absence of love in a family.”
As we heal the attachment brain, we can grow. As I see it, secure attachment is the foundation for growth. Not enlightenment, not spiritual evolution, not conscious attainment, not responsibility, not even effort. I think we put the cart before the horse – and make the road much, much harder – when we focus on fixing the behavior before we heal the relationship – the relationship we feel with ourselves, with others, and with life.
When we feel safe, when we feel held, we can do things that are really painful, like sit with our painful feelings instead of eat them. We can do the emotional work – feeling our feelings, crying our tears, opening to feelings that we’ve experienced over and over again – that frees us from food. That has been my experience these past 2 years, and this is how I’ve been able to make great strides with food, even as it was not easy, comfortable, or fun. (In fact, the past 2 years have been a very difficult time for me – so attachment was crucial.) Not skills, not knowledge, not will power, not responsibility, but safety.
How we find secure attachment
I’ve found attachment in forgiving my friends and loved ones and letting go of years of bitterness, resentment and hurt – allowing myself to be loved by imperfect people and to feel their love. I’ve found attachment in a dear therapist who helped me feel safe to touch pain that felt too painful to touch on my own. I’ve found attachment in the mucky work of sitting with and feeling my feelings – crying my tears – and not abandoning myself when I felt overwhelmed or in pain. I’ve felt attachment in reaching out to others instead of isolating myself. And I’ve found attachment with my own heart in self compassion, self forgiveness, and self acceptance. (I forget. A lot.)
So let’s unpack this a bit so we can clearly see the map of what I did. I focused on meeting my deep attachment needs for:
- safety
- contact and closeness
- emotional responsiveness
- attunement to my needs
- belonging
- unconditional love
I met these needs through practices like:
- compassion (offering myself care, a nurturing inner voice, and more)
- meditation
- yoga
- mindfulness
- prayer/spiritual practices of connecting with the Divine
- sitting with my feelings and feeling them
- listening to myself/connecting with myself
- reaching out to others and creating connection
- support! – letting a few people (people whom I deeply trusted, it was only 3-4 people) be with me when I was in pain and was feeling overwhelmed. For me, this included a therapist.
- being honest about my needs (vs hiding or pretending)
- being open/accepting to my needs (not judging, minimizing, editing, suppressing or shaming them)
- allowing myself to be my own person (not having to take on other people’s thoughts or beliefs/agree with them in order to be close)
- setting boundaries (these were primarily emotional boundaries – not making myself responsible for other people’s feelings, not feeling responsible for other people’s happiness, as well as setting limits)
Learning these new skills is still a process for me, and yet looking back, I can see that practicing these skills yielded change and growth. That growth – the fruits of a strong attachment – are things like:
- personal power – being your own person
- integrative thinking (the ability to mix emotions, to hold two opposing thoughts at a time and honor your values rather than your instincts. This is also known as impulse control.)
- “and” thinking vs. either/or thinking
- being able to set boundaries and honor your limits
- to rest at the deepest level, to know that you are enough
- inner resilience regardless of changing external circumstances (a feeling of, “I can handle this” instead of a feeling of hopelessness/despair)
- comfort with strong emotions (not so scary feeling)
- the ability to care for and move strong emotions
- efficacy – feeling capable of making changes in your life
And these fruits are what enable me to say no to food. Holy cow, attachment heals. As Dr. Neufeld says, “It’s how we reach our human potential.” I would say it’s how we live what we are – our goodness.
(Stay tuned – this will probably be my next course – walking you through this outline so you can create healing in your own life. If you’re wanting something like this, please let me know, as I work to serve and it helps me plan my priorities for the year.)
So if you’re tried everything to heal, if you know what you need to do but are having a hard time doing it, oh dear one, it’s not your fault, and it’s not hopeless. If you’re stuck, that simply tells me that you don’t feel safe. That you need to create a container in which to unfold – a container of secure attachment. That’s why I say that the real relationship we’re changing is not our relationship with food, but the one we have with ourselves. When we feel safe with ourselves – and feel safe with the Divine, with life, and with others – we can grow.
Why this is so prevalent today
This is one reason (there are many) why so many people are struggling with eating disorders – and other addictions – and why we’re the most overweight people in history (unmet attachment needs + highly processed, highly addictive, unnutritious, readily available food = a perfect storm for weight problems.) We feel so isolated, cut off, separate, alone, and lacking in belonging with each other – even with all our fancy technology. We feel like baby birds flailing around, kicked out of the nest, with no shelter. It’s why we eat…and shop, and have casual sex, and go online, and drink, and gamble, and watch reality TV, and live in virtual worlds, and work, and compulsively check our email, and twitter, and Facebook, and texting….
And it’s why our children are doing all of this, too, and at younger and younger ages…..
We are all desperately needing connection. Our hearts and souls are starving. Dying. Thirsting. Hungering. Literally. We can not live, we can not thrive, we can not survive without attachment.
Our overeating is our protest. Our hearts and bodies saying, “NO. I can’t bear this isolation.” Our hearts saying, please, please, give me belonging! Give me shelter. I need safe emotional connection.
They are protesting. The question, dear ones, is will we listen? Will we give our hearts what they’re thirsting for?
Foster belonging
I invite you to start, oh, so simply, with a gentle bow, an acknowledgement about how much you’re hurting. Hold yourself and cry your tears and open your arms to your pain. If you have a place where you feel belonging – a loved one, a therapist, a tree, a pet – go to them. Let them comfort you. Let yourself feel held. Forgive yourself. You’ve been trying to fight against your human biology, your most basic need. You were never meant to try and tough it out and live without belonging. Don’t feel like your human neediness is a flaw, a character stain that you just need to work on to erase….
Instead, open to it. Come home. Rest in the shelter of your heart. Attach.
Reach out to others. We can not survive without contact and closeness. Seek support. Seek love. Create bonds. This is crucial for your healing. In fact, in my humble opinion, I don’t think we can heal without it…we can’t heal in isolation. We need to heal in relationship, in belonging, in community.
For we belong to each other. We belong to ourselves. We belong to the earth. And we belong to the Divine. Thank God.
Resources for you:
- If you this post resonates with you and you’d like to learn more about attachment theory and how it effects our development, I invite you to peruse the resources in the comments below. I highly recommend the work of Dr. Gordon Neufeld, the person who has taught me the most about attachment.
- For help with overeating, this free worksheet is a map for using compassion, emotional connection and attunement/attachment with ourselves to walk away from a binge.
- Heal Overeating: Untangled is an audio program that also fosters this loving relationship with ourselves.
- I also offer a compassion based support group for overeaters that meets twice a month by phone. We dive deeply into many of these practices and tools.
- You can also find support and connection in our free support forums.
Hi……After deciding to cut out sugar from my diet to conserve energy, balance my hormones, and lose weight, I spent the last day and a half conducting research as to what to expect and how to ensure success. Although I agree with many things you said regarding becoming sugar free, from one writer to another, I’d like to point out you have several inconsistencies within your post. The first is a simple one which states you were in Barnes & Noble, but then mentions “library patrons”. The second is when you speak of having 4 children but then state you had 3 naturally, and “the last 2, at home”. That was a bit confusing to me, as it could be misled to having 5 children or perhaps you had all 4 naturally but then also, 2 of the 4 naturally and at home. Please do not mistake my critique for negative criticism. I just feel that if hundred of women are going to look to you for advice, which it seems they have, the message should maintain clear congruency. In addition, you give many facts but provide no research or citation back-up. I know I would appreciate resources to have been cited so I may continue on in my search for answers regarding this topic. Lastly, to say we need “attachment” as a means to an end to overcome overeating and/or a sugar addiction seems to have a lot of co-dependent tendencies. This is only my personal opinion of course. I did take away some positive information from your post, however, I did wish to share a few constructive thoughts. Thank you for you time and consideration.
Best regards to all,
Sara
Hi Sara – I don’t think there were any inconsistencies in Karly’s post. In the Barnes and Nobel paragraph, she clearly states “This afternoon I was at the library…You should’ve seen the looks I got from the other library patrons as I argued with a book.)” I think if you go back and read the paragraph, it is clear.
As far as the number of Karly’s children, yes she has 4. Three out of the four were natural childbirths, and her two youngest were not only natural births, but also were born at home.
Also, if you read the comments, Karly clearly states where her ideas come from. She lists several sources.
I think in the future when you want to offer constructive criticism, it might be helpful to start with the positives and end with the negatives. I also believe a comment such as this would be better suited to a private email message. Her email is listed in the contacts section of the website.
Karly, I hope it’s okay that I addressed these issues for you. Yes, I am being a little bit protective of you and this post and I think you know why. xoxo
Hi Sara,
I can appreciate how my description of my children and my bookstore/library jaunts can be confusing! Thank you for letting me know. Yep, I have 4 children; I had 2 at home; 2 in a hospital; 3 naturally, 1 with an epidural. I hope that helps.
But aside from this detail, what I hear you saying is that you have a need for consistency, clarity and evidence. I’m guessing you’re a detail person. Of course! My mom is a psychologist and likes scientific backing, too. So do I, even though that’s not my focus in this article.
If you’d like more clarity, I would highly recommend reading Gordon Neufeld. He’s synthesized much research and is my main teacher on attachment and how it affects our development, both as children and as adults.
http://www.gordonneufeld.com/
Also, Dr. Sue Johnson has done a lot of research on using attachment theory to heal marriages, and her attachment based couples therapy has a 75% success rate. You may enjoy learning more about her.
http://www.holdmetight.net/
Lastly, I hear your concerns here – “to say we need “attachment” as a means to an end to overcome overeating and/or a sugar addiction seems to have a lot of co-dependent tendencies.”
I think this is a great question, and one I’ve chewed on, too. I appreciate your bringing it up, as I’m sure others have had the same question – “What is the difference between co-dependency and secure attachment?”
Saying we need each other is not saying that we should be co-dependent. I see secure attachment as interdependence – recognizing that we need to give and receive love from each other. Dr. Neufeld says secure attachment is characterized by two things:
- we can rest in another’s presence (we feel loved and accepted as we are)
- and we can be our own person (another word for this is individuation)
I would say co-dependence is in direct opposition to these things, as the relationship is enmeshed.
This summer I read Attached, a book on using attachment theory to heal relationships, and found their discussion around attachment and co-dependency to be very helpful.
http://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139/
In my own personal view, I think we’ve been so focused on being independent here in the West, and our fear of being co-dependent, that we’ve thrown the baby out with the bathwater and have dismissed our attachment needs.
These are my beliefs, though, and appreciate that you or others may disagree!
Warmly, Karly
So incredible, Karly. Such a comprehensive look at the entire picture– but the deepest roots of that picture. What a gift.
It was really interesting to read about the attachment theory and how food is “family”. I looked up the Scheel links however that is primarily for anorexia – you asked Karly for any feedback about a course around the attachment/food becoming the nurturer – I would be so grateful for you to do a course around this topic whereby I could step by step uncover my harmful habits and learn how to reach out and make healthy connections without the fear that is involved at this stage for me! It does take a lot of courage as you pointed out because yes we do let one another down and following on from any “hurt” is the common reaction of pulling back, closing off, hardening the heart that little tiny bit more and isolating also that tiny little bit more from the perceived threat, (which in my case is just about always a person!!). Just doing the Untangled course has brought up a lot of grief and fear which I am journalling about, which I am finding very helpful. My aim is not to reach perfection – but simply learn how to become better at being my own “champion comforter” so that I am secure enough wihtin myself to reach out to others and… when I do get “hurt”, (appropriately if that makes sense) to know that it’s o.k. it’s just part of the human deal. To be healed enough to know that so many are struggling and that it’s a very untrue narrative in my head that most others know what/how/when to do “it” except me… I would love to be free to truly do the following: 1) tolerate – then to move onto 2) understand – and finally to be free enough to 3) truly love – this journey incorporating those 3 steps is my deepest heart’s desire. At the moment I still struggle with even tolerating!!!!!! There you go, LOL. However, I very willing to learn and I want to keep blossoming even if it’s only one petal at a time!!!
Hi Cammy,
I feel happy and grateful that this post resonated with you and found your comments poignant, vulnerable and heartfelt. I nodded along with everything you said.
How do we keep our hearts soft when we know we can be hurt? Excellent question. And I agree – tolerating by itself is huge!
In reading your words, I felt much wisdom and growth in you. I found it inspiring and admirable. I think you’re unfolding, one petal at a time, beautifully. I could say anything to you, it would be that you’re walking the journey! You’re doing the work.
Grief is/was a huge part of the healing journey for me. Crying our tears is a big part of the maturing process – grieving what we can’t change and what we wish were different. I cry lots of tears!
If you’re wanting more support, I am offering a special coaching discount to those working through Untangled. Support was a huge part of my crying my tears. Sometimes I touched things that were so deep and huge, and I needed another to bear witness.
Here’s more on the coaching offer – I’m offering a January special of a reduced rate for coaching calls. Enter the code JANUARY12 in the box “Order code” to receive your special rate of $69 for a call. This offer is good through January 31, although you can use your calls at any time.
http://www.karlyrandolphpitman.com/services/confidentials/
In love and care, Karly
PS – For those wanting to learn about Untangled, here’s a link:
http://www.firstourselves.org/overeating-support/
I just finished the article, after last nights class I had to come and read it right away. Realized I had been runnig and hiding the past few months. I have been driving myself hard, pushing to do things I am not supposed to be doing. I had totally tossed the tiny amount of self-care I practiced by the wayside, even not showering for days at a time, so I could just do stuff. I have been so ashamed and angry with myself as I have regained all the wieight I lost while on a medical fast Even though all the latest research says that is what should have happned I have been punishing myself without mercy.
I have ben slowly acknowleging what I have been doing, even avoiding this group and last nights call really was the Bomb!! Thank you Karly and also Jeaninne and Caterina for also sharing your wisdom and thoughts as well. I say go for it Karly, this is so dead on!! I feel I need to read what your wrote over and over again but there was nothing there that did not resonate completely with me. Thank you.
Wow Karly. Last night’s phone conference call was amazing. Would you mind sending me the name of the other person who is also looking at attachment theory and eating? I’d like to read the comments, including the negative comments, because I have my own theory about such vehement opposition to this truth. Yes, I call it “truth”, not a theory. And I say “truth” with the full authority of my own inner knowing. And perhaps there’s the rub. Trusting inner knowing has been scorned in western culture for centuries. But, I have a strong sense that a new ground work is being laid, and that more and more of us our awakening into knowing the true nature of our being without over reliance on “authorities” who speak on the level of the small self. Whew, this is exciting stuff. You go girl!
Love you,
Jeannine
Enlightening information!!! Thank you!!
Karly, this feels “right on the mark”. Wow! I really relate.
I can’t thank you enough for your putting this into words.
This makes so much sense. Touches my heart very deeply.
Hi Caterina,
I believe you are the person in our phone group? Thank you so much for your wise words. I’m nourished by this group and am really excited about Karly exploring the link between attachment and food issues.
Till next time
Jeannine
This really resonates with me as deep truth. thank-you so much!
Karly,
Thank you, this is a very important article. Made connections I hadn’t in the past. I’m doing many of the practices you noted to calm attachment issues, and have felt the subtle strides of growth. I’d love to see what you do next in terms of a class or future articles.
As always, with thanks and appreciation for the important work you do.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for this great article!! So much of it resonated with me and I can totally see the attachment issues in my life that have lead to this lifetime of sugar/food addictions. My Dad was armed forces and so was gone for much of my childhood. When asked as a toddler where my Dad was, I pointed to the picture on the mantelpiece. Several times when he did come home, I didn’t recognize him and I never really did feel like I got to know him well. My Mom was left raising 3 children basically on her own, and as the eldest, I always felt like I had to be the responsible one. When I was 10, I was sent away to boarding school and this is where my love affair with sugar began. I can see now the attachment connection and I have continued throughout my adulthood to feel disconnected and alone. I never did marry, but I tried to forge my own family by becoming a foster parent. This only served to validate the feelings of disconnectedness – the children would come and go and I had no say about what would happen in their lives. I did end up with one great daughter (she came to me when she was 6 and she is now 22) – we live together with her son – the light of my life. I have anxieties however, about this relationship – I am supposed to be the adult and yet I often feel that our roles are reversed. Somehow she managed to grow up to be the level headed, confident person while I am the anxious, emotional wreck!!
Sugar continues to be a problem for me and like others who have posted, I sometimes wonder if I even want to heal. I keep trying, and then feel worse about myself when I fail yet again. I have had support over the years from different people, but somehow I still resist making that commitment to change my life. I isolate myself a lot and sit at home feeling depressed because I do not have the life that I want – it’s so frustrating!!
This article resonated with me, explained some things to be and made me feel less alone. I feel that I now may have something that I can work with and it has given me a lot to think about. Thanks again, Karly.
The UCLA psychologist Robert Gould has written on life stage development, and how emotional eating blocks it. His “search for safety” resonates with your post this week, Karly. His work can be found at http://www.shrinkyourself.com; I recommend his book.
I did his online program a few years ago and loved it! It was the first time I realized that I was eating for a reason, not just because I was a fat pig. That program definitely led me to continue looking for solutions.
Hi Karly. I haven’t touched base in awhile. Synchronicity today–I have been doing a lot of reading and exploring of attachment as well. Just signed up for a class on attachment and emotion regulation. That you are in this too just reinforces my direction. Recently had another piece of the puzzle fall into place with regard to the dynamics between my mother and my baby self from an offhand comment she made about her greatgrandbabies–specifics aren’t important, but I felt both her deep misunderstanding of what I needed back then, and the acceptance that she was doing the best she could, the peace of forgiving her and freedom now in knowing that I can give myself the understanding that I’ve needed all these years, and tried to get through food. Thank you so much.
Karly, thank you! Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am always awe-struck by your subject matter…because it ALWAYS is relevant to my experience in that exact moment. I ask questions to the universe, and your writing brings me massive insight–and reminds me of my basic goodness. I would LOVE for this to be the subject of your next course. I am slowly taking steps toward freedom from sugar addiction/food obsession, but there are fundamental pieces that still must be addressed. I feel in my core that this is a key to my process. You are so wonderful. I feel so grateful to have you in my life.
Hi Anjali,
So great to hear from you! I feel happy that this resonates with you and that my words helped you feel understood and validated.
We’re going to be unpacking this post in support group over the next few months – how we can rewire the attachment brain. Tonight we talked about honoring our growth/maturation process with patience. We’d love to have you and anyone who’s interested in taking this deeper – it’s a sacred space that leads to insight and healing.
http://www.firstourselves.org/support-group/
In love and care,
PS – I think of you whenever we do anjali mudra in yoga class!
Thank you Karly once again for sharing your thoughts and experience. I can relate so much. I understand and agree with every steps you make and describe, but I still have not succeeded to experience it. I mean, I understand that attachement is probably the key, I see how and why, but I feel I can’t improve. I try to, I try to connect, and sometimes it’s good (just before I feel guilty about it..), but it’s as if “something was broken from the start, as if I would never really care for me or love me, or let people love me. And it’s going worse, I have troubled relationships with food, with people, with myself, with my job (I’m a job seeker), with shopping, I’m unable to decide or to choose anything, important or not, and I understand it is linked to a deep feeling of unsafety, but I have not found the way to feel safe (and I fear I won’t find it, I’m nearly 36 now, I fear I will live apart from myself forever). And then I wonder, how is it to feel safe ? really ? How would it be to feel love, light, to feel you’re “enough” ? Does it really exist ? O please, tell meit exists somewhere somehow, tell me it’s possible.
yours,
xx
I think Gordon Neufeld is totally da bomb on human development and parenting. He’s the real deal and has put all of the pieces together. Check out some of his clips on YouTube, too. http://www.gordonneufeld.com/
His take on all addictions, but especially the oral ones (overeating, smoking, drinking), are an attempt to reduce the alarm (stress) we feel. Just as babies are comforted by nursing, we find comfort by putting something in our mouths. We all tend to eat more, and especially more sugar when we’re dealing with a stressful life change, because we’re trying to reduce the alarm by finding something sweet in life. It makes complete sense that someone who’s dealing with alarm from abuse, neglect, or shame in their past that hasn’t been resolved would have a pattern of eating issues because they’re trying to quiet the alarm in the most basic way known to humankind.
You’re so thoughtful and gentle in connecting these dots, Karly.
I’m so glad you posted this because I just realized the other day that even if I’m not eating, I still hold a lot of my stress in my mouth. I clench my jaw or my teeth and I don’t always realize I’m doing it (until I finally relax and then have a sore jaw!).
Very insightful, Karly. Thanks for sharing so much of yourself.
This resonated strongly with me – thank you so much for your insight and generosity of spirit in sharing your wisdom.
I’m afraid I’ve spent a lot of time placing the cart before the horse ~ endlessly wondering what on earth is wrong with me that I continue to relapse (esp w/ food) ~ I’ve heard the word “attachment” many times, but somehow even the word taps something so enormous inside, that I have never really been able to navigate the meaning ~ through reading your post, Karly, I realize how somewhere along the way I chose attach to food instead of people ~ I have spent 20 years in therapy hospitals medications alternative/traditional meditation prayer God retreats disciplines apprenticeships…. on & On and ON the pilgrimage to peace ~ I have been willing to do anything except attach to people ~ I attach to God I attach to my dog I attach to nature… I have always lived isolated from people ~ when I read that healing is not possible without attachment/relationship/community, I panicked. Thank You, for opening something important for me here ~ now to sit tenderly with my fear (really terror) of attachment.
Hi Ash,
I totally get it – I’ve put the cart before the horse, too – spending all sorts of time trying to fix my behavior (and myself.)
I think attaching to God, nature and pets is wonderful. I do that, too, as these attachments feel very safe to me – they represent unconditional love. (I can be really cranky with my dog and he still snuggles with me.)
It helps me to think about creating an attachment circle – a village – that surrounds me and helps me grow, mature and give and receive love. I would place pets, nature, God, community, friends, a spiritual community, family, and loved ones in that circle. I would also place my own heart.
I think it is incredibly brave for us to open up our hearts to each other – because we know that in doing so, we will be hurt. It’s hardwired into life! We’re all imperfect and vulnerable, and because of this, we have the possibility of hurting as well as helping each other.
I see this in my own life – how even despite my good intentions I can hurt those I love. I can see how they misinterpret my actions and feel hurt! And I also see how my own darkness – my envy, greed, fear, vanity, resentment, bitterness – can wound others. Ouch. *Ouch.* Very humbling.
But this is where I find peace – and the miracle. While our humanness can create separation, it can also create reconciliation and connection. My brokenness can be a path to healing and connection in two important ways – as I become intimate with my darkness, I see how hard it is to be human, with all its complexity. This allows me to forgive myself and not feel separated from my own heart.
And when I allow my brokenness to not be so personal – to recognize it as a part of our shared humanity – we’re all in the same, messy human boat together – this compassion opens the door to forgiveness with others. I forgive others, and ask for their forgiveness in return, and restore the connection.
You may feel encouraged by this quote – “Life will break you, nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either…You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up.”
-Louise Erdich, The Painted Drum
My friend Maureen says, “Life is hard but we have each other.”
Thank God. We abide in each other.
In love and care, Karly
Ash and Karly,
I just posted a post but I wanted to add something. I can relate to isolation as I have been isolating for years too. As you described, my heart is opened to the others, to help people for example, but it is closed for me. As if I didn’t belong, I were not worthy. And it’s “stronger than my will”, no matter how I try, I can’t open the door. How do you practice ? because everytime I try I sabotage. Sometimes I even think that I don’t want to heal.
Hi Karly and Jill,
Karly, I want to thank you so much for this post. As usual, it is beautifully written, and contains so much valuable information and insight.
Jill, I am thinking about your question of why the food issue would still exist as you are grown, and feel securely attached in other relationships. In my experience, when we lack that very early imprinting of secure connections and attachment, it may deeply affect our ability to feel comfortable “in our own skin”, if early caregivers could not aknowledge or be responsive to our needs it makes sense that we would have difficulty in learning to identify, validate and meet our own precious needs.
For me, this has created a kind of void and lonliness inside, that I chose to fill with food. Although, I too, am a grown woman with a loving family of my own, it is my own love and support that I have been most missing and longing for…..as I come to recognize this, I am better able to put down the food.
So thankful to be part of the First Ourselves community.
Love,
Carolyn
Carolyn,
I appreciate your thoughts and contributions! I am chuckling about your compliment on the article and appreciate it, as I wrote it late last night and was uncertain on whether or not it was coherent. So thank you for saying so.
Yes, I agree – we need that love and support like we need air to breathe. I feel so happy that you’re finding this connection within your own heart – that must feel so good. Yeah for you!
I was listening to a teacher talk about how sitting with our difficult feelings – and giving them love and care – is how we don’t abandon ourselves, how we stay with ourselves when we feel hurt and scared. I find this idea powerful, as well as its contrast – the idea that I abandon myself when I run from my feelings. (I say that in a very nonjudgmental way, because I don’t want to turn that into a “should” when I do feel overwhelmed and run.)
Perhaps what we’re all needing, at the most basic, basic level, is this attachment, this safety…this love. I know when I feel safe and loved, I could care less what I look like, how much I weigh, what’s for dinner, how fancy my house looks, or how much money is in my bank account. It all falls by the wayside and becomes something whose importance counts for very little.
When I don’t feel safe or loved, nothing can fill the void. Trivial things like appearance or food become super, super important. (Probably because I feel like improving them/controlling them will help me feel more lovable, and help me get more love.) I may try to use food as my ally against this terror, but I could eat 10,000 goodies and never feel full.
In love and care, Karly
Hi Jill,
You are digging deep, dear one. Wow. I feel proud of you and got goose bumps reading your reply. In my experience, anxiety is often a guard/protector of other emotions. It’s a front for other emotions we don’t want to feel. It’s our bodies going, “Danger, danger,” a feeling of “something’s going wrong” or “something’s going to go wrong.”
I think when we’re sensitive (meaning we feel things deeply) and when we aren’t given a lot of support to be with our emotions as a children – if we’re taught things like, ‘Stop crying” (dont’ feel your feelings), if our feelings are minimized, if we feel alone in our feelings, if we feel llike we have to suppress or edit them (for example, if our family doesn’t tolerate anger) – then it makes sense that we want to push our feelings down – they overwhelm us and feel very, very scary.
(I want to be clear that I’m not bashing parents when I say this – understanding is not the same thing as blame. And in our parents’ defense, our culture at large is not very tolerant of strong or “negative” emotions, so I think our parents were doing what was done to them, what they thought was right….I could have a whole post of examples I’ve observed of how our culture teaches us “not to cry” ie – not to feel.)
Anyway, this may sound a bit dramatic, but when I’m in pain and I feel alone – like there’s no one there emotionally to come alongside me, to help me care for my feelings – I feel things like terror, abadonment, separation, cut off, isolated. Super, super intense! My body gets very tight, tense, hot, pained. And the anxiety goes off the charts.
I was reading some research yesterday on attachment and found this quote, I believe from John Bowlby, the man who came up with attachment theory: attachment is the “context within which the human infant learns to regulate emotion.”
So if we were insecurely attached, it makes sense that regulating emotion is hard for us. That makes so much sense to me.
What I appreciate about attachment is that it has given me a lens, a viewpoint, a context for understanding – I now get why I operate the way I do! I believe Thich Nhat Hanh said, “understanding is the foundation of love.” Understanding gives me mercy and compassion, because I’ve felt ashamed, embarrassed, immature, broken and more because of how overwhelmed I can feel by my emotions, and more than that, my deep insecurty. I realize that my emotional brain gets a bit triggered. I can see that it’s not a character flaw, or a spiritual flaw, and that opens the door for healing, growth and change.
Much of my inner work this past year has been sitting with increasing layers of uncomfortable feelings, learning how not to abandon myself when I’m feeling intense, painful feelings. I had a counselor who greatly helped with this, as I realized that some of these feelings, I couldnt’ touch on my own – they felt too big and scary. (I stopped seeing him because we moved, and he sadly, died unexpectedly of a heart attack. But I’m seeking out a new counselor in Austin, as I appreciate that I feel supported doing my inner work when I have a loving human being to sit with me. If anyone reading this is feeling super stuck, I greatly recommend getting counseling support.)
This journey takes so much compassion – and support!!!! It is counter instinctual, to turn towards our pain. And yet I’ve found, it’s the only way to freedom. It’s given me the deepest level of healing – healing that isn’t about my being so perfect that I never hurt, or about controlling my life so that everything is all sunshine and roses, but peace that comes from knowing, yes, life is going to hurt at times. And I can handle it. I suppose it’s reattaching myself to my own inner heart.
In deep love and care, Karly
PS – My favorite attachment resources -
Dr. Gordon Neufeld, author of Hold Onto Your Kids and several fabulous video teaching programs -
http://www.gordonneufeld.com
Dr. Sue Johnson, author of Hold Me Tight (a book for couples) and creator of emotionally focused couple therapy
Dr. Harville Hendrix, author of Giving the Love that Heals and Getting the Love You Want, founder of Imago therapy
Dr. Gabor Mate, author of Scattered (he gives an attachment perspective on ADD/ADHD) and co-author of Hold Onto Your Kids
This actually makes a little bit of sense to me. I think also this is why the Caring Ritual was such a big thing for me. I won’t go into detail here, but growing up I always felt like a burden – an afterthought that now had to be dealt with. I can remember being as young as 8 or 9 and completely losing myself in a box of Little Debbies – and it was all downhill from there. I ate out of boredom, I ate out of sadness, and soon I was eating as a way of validating every emotion I had. I never really connected it to an attachment issue before but I can see how an 8 year old girl would need to attach herself to something when she felt like she couldn’t attach to her parents. But I don’t understand how, at age 40, I’m still hanging on to that. I have a great husband who I know loves me, kids that I feel very close to, and my relationship with my parents is very good (now that I’m older) – I feel plenty attached now, so why am I still hanging on to the food thing?
I think you might be on to something here, Karly. I can’t wait to see what you do with it! xoxo
Hi Jill,
Thank you for writing and sharing your thoughts.
First of all, my heart aches for that little girl eating Little Debbies. You must’ve felt so alone and scared! I am so sorry.
Your point is an excellent one (thank you for allowing me to clarify.) Let’s see if this helps –
From my understanding, the emotional brain can’t tell space or time. When our limbic system, the emotional brain, is activated, we don’t know we’re in 2012, as a grown up adult, with loving relationships with a husband and loved ones. For all it knows, when it’s triggered, it can be that little girl back in the 80s….or a teenager, or a toddler…
So something happens in 2012 and it triggers old feelings of feeling like a burden, of feeling sad, of feeling bored, of feeling unvalidated. Does that make sense? So we’re feeling what’s going on right now and we’re also feeling all those old familiar feellings…
If this rings true for you, and you’re interested in being a bit of a detective, I’d invite you to observe where you get emotionally stuck and want to eat. What feelings make you want to run? Do you try to shut down?
I find this a powerful inquiry. (Another way I ask myself this is – “If I didn’t turn to food right now, what would I have to feel?” I appreciate that’s not necessarily an easy question to ask!
I agree with you on the caring ritual – in my experience, this exactly why the caring ritual is so healing. We’re validating feelings that, at times in our lives, were not validated. We’re reprogramming that attachment brain, giving ourselves the secure, loving attachment – in ourselves – that we so long for. It’s why it feels so good, even as it means feeling uncomfortable feelings.
But something else may be going on. If we think of food as a coping strategy, when we try to shift it – to not use food for emotional reasons – what we’re left with are the messy feelings that rise up to the surface – the messy feelings that we’ve been running from with food.
For starters, feeling these feelings is uncomfortable. And it’s a process, because we’re sitting with painful stuff. It’s not a 1 time thing. This takes time, energy, and more. It’s understandable that we can’t “get it” and heal automatically.
In my life, this period of healing has been messy. Very, very, VERY messy, because I was taking down the scaffolding of protection – food – that I had erected against my pain. I was also trying to erect new scaffolding – things like practicing compassion, self love, and feeling my feelings – which meant I was learning new skills – another messy process, another growth curve!
That combination – learning new skills combined with feeling powerful, painful feelings – is challenging. So perhaps you’re not still hanging onto food but are on your own growth curve of healing…. Perhaps you are walking your way out of it, and the 2 steps forward, 1 step back is normal, and a sign of growth, not that’s there something wrong.
In love and care, Karly
Okay this is freaky – in answer to the question – What would I feel if I didn’t use food to cope?- a friend and I were emailing back and forth yesterday about anxiety and using food to cope, and even before I thought about it, I wrote “I know that I’m eating for anxiety reasons, but I dont’ know how to stop. And I sort of don’t want to stop, you know? Like I think that if I stop eating, my anxiety won’t have anywhere to go, and I’ll just be freaking out or something.”
I have been thinking a lot about this attachment issue since I read your post and it is making more and more sense. I am definitely going to do some more research on this. Thanks so much for sharing this and working so hard to bring this to light for others. xoxo
I just wanted to let you know that this:
I think when we’re sensitive (meaning we feel things deeply) and when we aren’t given a lot of support to be with our emotions as a children – if we’re taught things like, ‘Stop crying” (dont’ feel your feelings), if our feelings are minimized, if we feel alone in our feelings, if we feel like we have to suppress or edit them (for example, if our family doesn’t tolerate anger) – then it makes sense that we want to push our feelings down – they overwhelm us and feel very, very scary
is exactly how I grew up. And like you said, I don’t blame my parents – I truly and honestly believe they did the best they knew how. My dad is half-German and my mother was very anxious, so they weren’t used to showing affection, but I know they loved me. They showed their love by working hard and providing for the family (both of my parents worked). However, their youngest daughter (me) needed more than that. (And I should mention that I have 2 older sisters, but they are 9 and 10 years older than I am, so they weren’t around by the time I turned 9 years old).
I’m really feeling led to write down everything I can remember from my childhood relating to this, but I’ll save you from having to read all that! I think you have really touched a nerve (in a good way) because I am feeling excited (and a little nervous) about digging into this.
Thanks so much for all you do Karly!
xoxo
Jill
Hi Jil,
I found someone else talking about this here –
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/when-food-is-family/201111/linking-early-attachments-eating-disorders-later/comments
I appreciate Judy’s perspective – and she’s written a book about it!
http://www.amazon.com/When-Food-Family-Approach-Disorders/dp/1882883888/
XO, Karly