I have been thinking about my health and my weight and I know that the binge eating that I have relied on for the last year has served its purpose, but now it’s time to let it go. I’m ready to let go of this thirty pound gain – it’s been right at a year (give or take a few days) since the Awkward Coworker incident that started my downward spiral into Binge Hell. I finally feel ready to put my conscious self back in the driver’s seat and start losing this weight. But there is one thing that keeps me from actually starting…
Fear.
What if I can’t do this? Maybe I’m not ready to give up the comfort of cookies and mac n cheese? Staying where I am right now would be so easy – no effort to put forth, no planning, no saying “no” to the easy choices. The fear of actually making changes is hard to shake. But the desire to change is also hard to shake.
Right now today, the fear is equally balanced with the desire. If I stay perfectly still and make no moves whatsoever, nothing will change. I will feel noble because I have the desire, but I won’t have to challenge the fear. It seems like a win-win, right? Wrong. Because I know that eventually the fear will outweigh the desire and I will be stuck with this extra weight forever. And that is not acceptable to me.
Challenging fear is unfamiliar territory for me. I like the status quo. I like not rocking the boat. I am not a fan of drama, and turmoil. Geeze, I sound like a Stepford Wife with all my passivity (I think I’d rather be a Joan Jett – sassy rock stars who rock the boat are more fun, right?)
Anyway, I’m going to put my fingers in my mental ears and not listen to the fear when it whispers to me. I’m going to make some changes this week and see if I can get some momentum going. A trip to the grocery store, a trip to the park, and other assorted activities are all part of my plan this week to get out of the starting gate. We’ll see where it goes from there.
What is it they say about courage?
Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear. (Ambrose Redmoon)
Fear is a HUGE wall that I need to overcome, so I completely identify with this post. Fear of… what will I look like, will my husband still love me, will he get angry if others are suddenly paying attention to me, what if I never get to eat those {insert food item here} again, what if when I get to that ideal fitness/weight I don’t FEEL good, still…
Lots of fear, lots of what ifs. And I, too, have a hard time challenging it… it’s comfortable where I am (yet not, because I’m unhappy with the weight I carry).
Time to push through. Game on!
Jill, One of my favorite books says “Feel the fear and do it anyway.” Easy to read; more challenging to do! Thank you for being so honest. We all feel fear, at one time or another. How human of us all.
I see your courage, Jill. You are so brave.
XO, Karly