Underneath addiction, overeating, or bingeing is fear. Huge, bulking, raging fear.
I’ve said that kicking the sugar habit is how you get to be sugar free. But finding out what drives you to eat the sugar in the first place: that is what keeps you sugar free. Abstinence is not enough. Why? Because we are so, so afraid. At its root, all our pain, all of our suffering is based in fear.
What does this have to do with sugar? Everything. Fear is what drives your desire to rely on your fix, food. It keeps you stuck, feeding your anxiety (Can I do this long term?), your sense of loss (Never having cake again????), and your separateness from others (My family doesn’t understand, they’re so unsupportive.)
Fear is what keeps you projected into the future, imagining every possible worse case scenario, anxious about how you will keep this sugar free thing going. It takes you away from the present moment, where, right now, at this second, you are okay without the sugar.
Fear feels awful. It hurts; it’s terrifying. You may feel like you’re going to die, like you will die without the candy bar, the ice cream.
But the only way out is through. The only way to face fear is to feel it — without the sugar, without our many coping mechanisms that we use to tune out, to soothe, to assuage the discomfort of our deepest pain.
The next time you feel tense, tight, anxious or the urge to eat for comfort, ask yourself, Where do I feel fear in my body? What does it feel like? Breathe. Notice the physical sensations of fear. Feel the fear moving through you. Be willing to sit with the fear and see what happens.
Then, examine your thoughts: What are you thinking about? How is fear showing up in your mind? What fears come up when you feel the fear in your body? What pictures or “movies” go across your mental screen?
As you notice your thoughts and feel the sensations of fear, detach from judgment. Don’t attach to the fear, rather, observe it, feel it in your deepest being, and then let it go. All feelings are e-motions, forms of energy that need to move, to move through you lest they remain stuck. This is why exercise, a walk, breathing, yoga, tai chi, and even sex are so helpful to our health: they move the emotional energy through our bodies.
All emotions eventually pass. The other day, I was so agitated, all day long. I was swearing under my breath, irritated at every little nuisance, even annoyed during yoga class. What an irony: being agitated during yoga! I was squirming under the discomfort of my irritation, especially since I kept telling myself I “shouldn’t” be feeling this way. Finally, I gave up. Instead of fighting and resisting my agitation, I let myself really feel the feelings of “things are not right.”
I imagined my agitation as a friend, a visitor: what do you have to teach me? What do you need from me? Here’s what my agitation needed: I want your acceptance. I want your love. I want to rest, to not have to be so “good” all the time. Stop pushing me away.
I felt compassion for my agitation, and offered it love. “I will take good care of you,” I said. “You are safe with me.” It was this safe harbor that allowed my agitation to ease several hours later. Likewise, it is this safe harbor that will soothe your fear, release it, and offer peace.
Fear is a priceless, priceless gift. Fear will change your life, and not just because you will understand what drives your sugar addiction. When you touch and greet your deepest fear, when you embrace this “bad” part of you, when you love and care for it with the tenderness of a mother, you integrate your fear with your love, your joy, your kindness and compassion. Then, instead of always feeling at war, as if you are battling one side against the other, your sugar abstinent self versus your fearful, sad, deprived self, doing “great” one day and sabotaging yourself the next, you can “feel the fear and do it anyway,” honoring your feelings and honoring your desire to stay sugar free, one day, one meal, one fear at a time.
This is the warrior’s way: the path of heart, honor and courage.
You can order the new edition of Overcoming Sugar Addiction as well as the follow up workbook, Growing Human(kind)ness: How to Befriend not Punish Your Way to Sugar Sobriety.
Want more help? Join my October Kick Your Sugar Habit small group class.
