Guest author Marina L. tends to procrastinate. But somehow she’s found herself participating in a do-it-from-home, interactive class to unhook emotionally from sugar.
When I wrote last time that I hope to get out of the class a new way of moving through my day, I explained it by saying I would take myself by the hand.
By that I mean being my own best friend, what I also have referred to as “self alliance.” You might call it inner child work. I have believed for a long time (though not applied it all that much), that this kind of work is the very foundation of all other self growth.
My best guess as to why I do not apply my insights and live the spiritual life that I have known is available to me: deep down, I’m not worth the effort. Although it could have something to do with my ADD!
So, I hope to re-establish that self-communication to the point where everything is less scary, and I have more faith and strength. I hope to be doing better with sugar. I hope that if I’m not perfect, that I can handle “not perfect.”
I hope that I will not be “white-knuckling it.”
I hope that I’ll be feeling physically better and have more mental clarity, and that these changes will reinforce my choice to live a sugar-abstinent life that is, as Karly describes it, about sugar sobriety. I have had momentary flirtations with sobriety — the contrast making clear to me how un-sober I am almost all the time. Being sober really is a position of strength, and groundedness… and it’s a place I’d like to live.
As I prepare for this life, I’m afraid of all the times I won’t be able to be in touch with the seriousness of the problem. What if I won’t be in touch with any motivation? Perhaps it’s a symptom of depression; nothing seems to have any meaning.
I’m also afraid of my perfectionism, in terms of moving forward with the program lessons and participating in this class. I’m very much subject to overwhelm and distraction; I’m also afraid of any of that getting in the way.
Being around sugar and alcohol when I’m out with other people, that scares me, too.
Oh, and I’m afraid of the holidays. You know this part, right? I’ll go ahead and say it anyway: I’m afraid that even if I have been doing well, that I will start making excuses, exceptions (“oh, just a piece of pie…”) at the holidays. And then I end up back at “square one.”
I’m excited about the possibility of having a better relationship with myself– something I’ve always wanted and worked on with limited success. The fact that the work is the same for both my relationship with myself / quality of life — and the relationship with food / health — that is EXCITING. 
It’s exciting because it is a lot of work and feels daunting, but knowing it covers that much territory all at once is gratifying. It’s reassuring, too.
In a way, the idea that it’s all related takes what seems daunting and maybe even a little complex and seems to inject a sense of simplicity, because of the consciousness that it’s the same answer. It’s the same work. Everything I want to achieve comes down to the same work: the answer is self-love, kindness, and what I sometimes call “taking myself by the hand.”
This work is one of those things where — when you’re in it, when you’re in the moment where you’re self aware — it seems like a no-brainer. But when you’re in the middle of feeling angry or anxious or stressed, sometimes you can’t access that it’s about self-love. Or sometimes you can access it, but it’s what I call “words on a page.” There is no life to it, no substance to cling to. Seconds later, it’s all about the cupcake.
My health has been getting progressively worse. I’ve aged a lot in the past couple of years. I understand that I’ve been sliding on good intentions for a long time, but I’m running out of time and I need to actually start changing my lifestyle consistently or things could quickly become disastrous.
I’ve already lost a lot of my well being and also my physical capabilities, because in addition to nerve damage, I have really stiffened up a lot with arthritis, spinal stenosis, bad knees…. I tend to do things at the “eleventh hour.” Given my state of health, I’d say it’s at least 10:30.
Sobriety. It sounds like such a spartan word, and a word that implies deprivation, but it really is so close to what it means to be grounded.
The idea of grounding is such a profoundly beautiful thing, because it’s about being present to the moment. I suspect that if I can associate sobriety with being present in the moment, that will go down a lot easier.
Uh-oh. What came to mind just now was (sung in the voice of Julie Andrews):
“Just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, in the most delightful way!”
Oh, Marina,
How I loved the language you used in this post – taking your self by the hand, being your own best friend, self alliance….that all speaks to the belonging that I believe is the basis of this journey. Thank you for your honest speaking out here – I was emboldened reading your words.
And this made me smile, because it’s so true:
“This work is one of those things where — when you’re in it, when you’re in the moment where you’re self aware — it seems like a no-brainer. But when you’re in the middle of feeling angry or anxious or stressed…it’s all about the cupcake.”
Well said, Marina!
Much love, Karly