I am a loving mother, a sister, a daughter – a multi-faceted individual – but I somehow in the past I found myself disqualifying all the others parts of me and concentrating on the fact that I was a food addict.
In my teens I hid from life by trying to eat my fears away and later I starved myself in a desperate attempt to control a part of my life. For 17 years I had the most twisted love affair; a sizzling bake off that featured gastric highs, terrifying sugary lows and at times blissful flavored stability.
In my twenties I treated food as a weapon to punish myself; I searched in desperation for the magic recipe to free myself from the nightmare. I devoured an assortment of literature and I had success with combinations of psychotherapy, anti-depressants, journaling, hypnotherapy, kinesiology, and meditation, conscious eating, yoga, different exercise routines, reflexology, EMT and many more.
I went for extended periods where I was able to honor my body, cherish my soul and maintain a healthy lifestyle. There was, however, always a tipping point for me, where I plunged back into the oven and baked in my torment. There were numerous triggers, often it was a mixture of ‘sacrificing my needs for those I love’, ‘pleasing others to establish my worth’ and ‘grasping for a self-imposed need for perfection’.
However, I always viewed these setbacks as me once again burning dinner or “failing.” Now in my thirties I have to acknowledge all the fascinating, supportive teachers that have helped me ease my hurts along the way. I have to marvel at how the universe has supported me quietly, in finding avenues to nurture my soul. I slowly over time felt the ‘fight’ in me disappear and a deep acceptance that food is not my enemy, it is only food. How I relate and choose to perceive it is my choice.
I am not a failure, just an ever expanding human-being; my needs and desires change regularly. I am not the same person I was a year ago or even 10 years ago. I am now the accumulation of all that I was and all that I hope to be.
In the center of it all is me. My emotions, my perceptions and my conflicts. I now know that there is no elixir that will save me; rather I have accepted this is an evolution of continual
self-discovery. So it makes sense that something that once may have given me ease now only offers partial relief. All my knowledge and experience continually adds to my pantry to assist me in becoming a better version of me.
I imagine we are all eager cooks in the kitchen of life, where we dash with anticipation for the pantry to see what new ingredients we have to create the next exciting cuisine dish. My relationship with food has been the catalyst for my personal growth; I am this strong, loving, independent woman largely because of food. Food is the scale for me to measure where I am emotionally; it is my guide that always alerts me when I am not tending to my needs.
When I find myself heading into a binge, I am more easily able to navigate my emotional menu. My intuition more readily steers me to foods that are beneficial to my body and when I veer into a sugar frenzy I forgive myself and take solace in the fact that life is giving me another opportunity for growth and always I have the resources to support myself.
In softening the struggle and striving to love myself unconditionally I now accept that it is not how I relate to the food but how I relate to MYSELF. I am here for the freedom to love…… love and accept myself unconditionally and yes even to love and deeply appreciate food.
When I think of myself now I think of the healthy, joyous earthly traveler that lives for the day, the moment and the only thing that matters is ‘how I feel’ in relation to what is happening around me. I am enthused about the adventure and trust in myself and the universe to know I will continually be cooking up a smorgasbord of gastric delights.
I trust that I will continue to find exciting ways to support myself and meet other kindred spirits like you on the way.
Delicious love and light always,
Lauren-Lee
Hi Lauren-Lee,
I also wanted to say that I was inspired and uplifted by your beautiful and meaningful post.
How we relate to food is truly a metaphor for how we relate to ourselves and to life experiences.
You have expressed this so eloquently and I am grateful to you for sharing.
Like Karly, I bow to you.
Carolyn
Thank you so much for finding value in my words
Lauren-Lee,
Wow – this was so heartfelt and beautiful! I feel so grateful to have your voice on First Ourselves. Thank you for sharing your journey with all of us, so we may share in your strength, support you in your challenges and celebrate your wholeness with you.
When I read your words, I see a strong, radiant, wise woman. I bow to you.
In love and care,
Karly
ahhhhh…. all these endless suffering beautiful opportunities to wake more fully into kindness for myself – for human-kind ~ more love for the journey ~ more appreciation & reverence for ALL that nourishes me ~ Thank You, for the reminder.