Can you soften sugar cravings with kindness? When we crave sugar, we tend to have 1 of 2 reactions: we either try to control, white knuckle, suppress, shut up, or cut out the feeling of wanting. Or we act out the craving by eating the sugar.
Both scenarios are painful. The first creates inner tension, stress and anxiety because we’re trying to control our inner experience. We use our precious life energy trying to control life and ourselves so that we never crave sugar. As this is impossible – desire and “wanting” is a part of being human! – we’re caught in a battle of keeping these feelings down, stuffing them away. We may even create other addictions – even healthy ones like exercise – so that we can escape from this painful feeling of “wanting.”
The other scenario – indulging our cravings by eating whatever we want - leads to guilt, shame and suffering as we binge or eat foods that make us feel terrible. It further ingrains the very habits we’re trying to heal – like sugar addiction.
Fortunately, there’s a 3rd possibility. It’s radical and counterintuitive. And it is powerful, so powerful: it is showing your cravings kindness. Rather than looking at cravings as something to control/eliminate or indulge, we can look at them as a hurting part of us that wants our belonging; our care; our love. We turn towards our cravings to soften them.
In Overcoming Sugar Addiction for Life, I call this “rocking your cravings to sleep.” Have you ever embraced your cravings, the part of you that is hurting and that wants – that longs for the sugar to make the pain go away?
What would it mean to acknowledge what is – that you’re hurting and craving? What does it feel like to say to yourself:
Oh, of course you’re craving ice cream right now. That makes a lot of sense. Something cool and creamy sounds good to you.
You’re feeling lonely and you want the cookie to make the loneliness go away. I understand, sweetheart.
You’re hurting, dear one. I am so sorry.
When I talk to myself this way, I feel my whole body soften. I relax as the inner tension, the shoulding – You shouldn’t be feeling this way – softens. I relax as I just allow the feelings to be there. I relax even further with this empathy, with understanding – Of course! This makes sense.
Relaxing creates the space to respond differently – response-ability.
This past weekend, I was feeling anxious, alone and sad – I was hurting. My lifelong pattern has been to eat my hurt. I wanted to do this, too. So I went and sat in my rocking chair (I literally rock my cravings to sleep!) put my hand on my heart, and allowed the hurt to be there. I held it and said, “I care. I care about this suffering” as tears poured down my face, as I felt the grief unfurl. I rocked and cried and rocked and cried and rocked and cried.
And this is what I found – I realized how much I react to pain with, “I must’ve done something wrong. This is wrong. This shouldn’t be here.” Whenever I get caught and am feeling un-blissful – whether it’s craving, sadness, anger, frustration, loneliness, fear, anxiety, depression, aversion/hatred – anything that smacks of “I’m not at peace right now” – I blame myself. I judge myself and make my inner experience wrong - ”I shouldn’t be feeling this way.” Then I feel flawed, ashamed, broken, separate, unhealed because of these difficult feelings.
Oh, ouch.
So the question that arises for me and you is this: when we make our cravings wrong, how does that hurt us? And if we don’t make our cravings wrong, how does that help us?
In my 15 year journey of healing from sugar, I’ve learned this truth over and over again: healing from sugar addiction does NOT mean that you won’t ever crave sugar again. In fact, count on the fact that you will. Having a craving is not proof that you’re doing anything wrong or that you’re not healed. It’s merely proof that you’re human.
I can’t control my cravings. I can’t control my hurt. It will – and does – arise. That’s okay, because this journey is not about control. It’s about relationship. It’s about care.
I may not prevent a feeling of craving from arising in my body, but I can choose how I relate to it. I can relate to my hurt kindly or I can make war.
War leads to more war. War leads to suffering. War, as master Yoda says, leads to the dark side. War is ouch, ouch, ouch.
Kindness leads to strength, fortitude, courage, faith, growth, healing, change.
It is kindness that enables us to put the cookie down. It is kindness that enables us to hold our hurts without a plateful of food. It is kindness that heals us, that brings us home, that helps us remember - there is nothing wrong with you dear one. There is nothing wrong. You are safe with me, in this abiding, unconditional love.
I invite you to try it. Rather than suppressing or indulging a craving, turn towards it with care. Shower it with every bit of mercy, forgiveness, understanding, compassion and love that you can. Hold it like a tender, crying baby, like a bird in your hand.
Care for it and watch the craving dissolve in this tender space, in the love of your big, beating, beautiful heart.
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Hi Karly, I really enjoyed this article! I have been a sugar addict my WHOLE life. Lately though, I’ve become more aware of my addiction and have been able to say no to sugar altogether once I accepted that I cannot just have a little. This article addresses a recurring craving for me and the need to eat myself out of feelings I am not comfortable with. But, there are also times, especially around the holidays, when I get sugar cravings due to the memory it holds and the emotional association created by sugar in our culture. There are also the times I feel like sugar is the best reward for say, losing 5 lbs. ;o) or any major accomplishment – it is a way to celebrate. and lastly, cravings due to my body’s glycogen levels being depleted as a result of intense exercise, which I don’t always plan for. How do you deal with each one of these cravings in a copassionate way?
I have a major sweet tooth myself and I just dont seem to be able to resist the temptation of asking what’s for dessert before checking out the main course!
)or by taking a smaller helping of my favorite pudding/ pie, whatever.
After having yielded to my temptation after the meal, I start feeling guilty every time- more so because I am a health blogger myself and know that sugar is one of the deadliest poisons invented by man. I make resolutions after each helping of dessert not to yield in NEXT time.
That next time, like TOMORROW, never comes.
I have finally made up my mind to begin to make a difference by limiting my portion size every time I reach out for the dessert. I am not going to say NO to a slice of cake when offered (for the simple reason that I CAN’T
GOSH..I’m drooling already!!!!
GOD, help me!!! :O
i struggle with serious binges. they come in waves but they always come. I never binge out of hunger. last night I ate 12 ice creams, jar of peanut butter, bag of chips and a loaf of raisin bread in less than 30 min. tell me what is this about. i am 59 and still can’t seem to control it. i have always hid and eaten junk, but for the first time, i am totally living by myself. i have gone binge crazy. I can never just eat one thing. i have the need to eat\all of the product and progress to the next one. ideas welcomed
Thank you SO MUCH !
I searched “craving” right now because I am new to coming off of sugar and there are tons of brownies and baked goods here at work, adn I want to go numb~ Its like being in a crack house. So, I read to go to my cravings, be kind to them and acknowledge them and youre right, it is so powerful rather than white knucklign it which has never ever worked…..
I think I might actually make it through this one and not have to come out of it with a ton of regret and remorse.
Thank you.
Dear Stacey,
I am shouting out a huge YES for you! I love that you found peace in caring for your cravings and I celebrate with you. Thank you for sharing your experience with me.
I’ve learned that I may not be able to control those cravings or my feelings – it’s like trying to control the weather! – but I can “control” how I care for them. That’s where my freedom and choice lies – in how I choose to *relate* to my feelings, needs and tender humanity. (My cravings are like small, little children who want lots of cuddles, care and reassurance. They are so precious.)
Rather than fighting against my experience, I open to it. When we do this, we realize we are big enough to care for our hurts, that we don’t have to fear our own experience or feelings.
I unpack this process in greater detail in Becoming Binge Free – I love the practices in this program and feel honored, humbled and passionate about sharing them!
http://www.sugar-addiction-book.com/workbook/
So glad you found us here, Stacey!
In love and support, Karly
Thank for SO much for this today. I have been “back off of sugar” for a short time, with a peace about it. Today, out of nowhere, there has been anxiety and tension. I haven’t been able to pinpoint it. Wrapping gifts, setting up the house for Christmas. I’m SURE it is somehow tied in with all of this. Loneliness. Missing loved ones who are gone?
I’m not quite sure, but I have been tense and the cravings have been growing. I’ve eaten too much cheese, etc, and a binge feels right around the corner.
And the guilt is rearing its ugly head….like I’m somehow “doing something wrong” because I’m tense and “shouldn’t be.” Just reading these words has helped…
I’m now going downstairs to hubbys (empty) man-cave where there is a rocker….and I’m going to allow myself to calm down and receive some gentle encouragement instead of berating myself….
Thank you for this today, Karly….
Blessing in the One we celebrate this season.
Peace on Earth.
Liz from NY
Hi Liz,
Oh, dear, one, I hope you are holding yourself in much tenderness right now.
I’ve been feeling high anxiety lately too. What I’ve found helpful is to move to caring for it rather then spending a lot of time asking, Why?Why am I feeling like this?
Many of my “Why am I feeling this way?” questions are not about caring for my feelings, but subtle attempts for me to make the feeling go away, a subtle judgment against, “I shouldn’t be feeling this way!!”
Then I feel guilty because I’m feeling anxious.
Moving to care means accepting, okay I’m feeling anxious right now. And that’s okay. It’s not a character flaw. Just a sign of our tender human hearts ….
Nearly every person I’ve talked with has shared that in addition to food stuff, they also have a sensitive nervous system. I think a sensitive nervous sytem is beautiful, as it’s also the source of great empathy, kindness and concern for others. And it also means we can feel overwhelmed by intense feelings and overarousal. (The binge is simply a misguided attempt to lower the tension….)
So, dear one, don’t take the overarousal/tension personally. It’s not your fault. Not proof of badness. It’s just your tender nervous sytem saying, “I feel overwhelmed. Care for me.”
Which sounds like exactly what you are moving forward to do….
In love and support, Karly
Karly, I love your sentiment that our journey is not about control, but rather it is about relationship and care. So true. Thank you for this website, the forum and the blog. Like many others I stumbled upon it by “accident”, and am so grateful.
Your writing is heartfelt and beautiful, you are a true inspiration.
In gratitude,
Carolyn
You’re so welcome Carolyn. I greatly appreciate your taking the time to write and comment. I am so happy you found us – thank God for that “lucky” accident.
In love, Karly