Guest author Marina L. writes a follow-up to her “How I passed up free samples” post, describing how the day proceeded after dinner.
Avoiding the cookies at the art walk was amazing. Then passing on the sugar for my iced tea, I could hardly believe it. Uh, oh, now comes the fear of how to sustain a good thing. The day wasn’t over yet…
I remembered what Karly said about tension building throughout the day. I spent some time reminding myself of that and checking to see just how much tension was building. It actually wasn’t bad, because I didn’t have any strong struggles that day.
I think what I had that day was grace. The universe was being kind and tossing me an easy one. Somehow, I actually made it through the rest of the night without a problem.
I think the most important thing about that Saturday probably wasn’t the cookies that I passed up, but rather the time that I took for myself. That’s really unusual for me. Again, it goes back to not feeling I deserve. But on Saturday, I did take time, several times, in fact. It’s good for me to look back and acknowledge how important that was.
On Sunday, I went to another artist’s studio, the studio of a friend. She also had cookies and candies out. Again, I passed them up. I did eat a few potato chips with some dip, though. That’s another thing: I’m still eating things that I shouldn’t. I’ve told myself getting off of sugar is enough for now.
So, when I left her house, I went to pick up my roommate from work. On the way home, we decided to pick up Chinese food at Panda Express. We go there a couple of times a month. The one we usually go to doesn’t have a yogurt machine (yet), but the other one — the one we were passing by — does. Last time we were in there, we’d gotten frozen yogurt, and I really enjoyed it.
When I walked through the door, I had the yogurt on my mind. A debate ensued in my mind, even as I was ordering my food. Even as I paid for my food, the debate continued. I almost ordered some after I had already paid, but then I said no.
But the part of me that wanted the yogurt said, “You may as well, because it will just haunt you until you eventually come back here and get it anyway.”
So…. I said (with a heavy sigh), no. Maybe it will haunt me, or maybe, just maybe, it will pass. So we’ll try that for now.
I was a little shaky on that one, but I felt good that I’d had the strength to do that. And, while I may have felt a little sense of deprivation, I also felt a sense of self care and sobriety, of doing the right thing for myself. I hadn’t even given myself a hard and firm NO; I had just gently said, “not now.” And it seemed to work out well.
One of the lessons I’ve gotten out of these experiences — and I’m saying this as a perfectionist — is that it doesn’t have to be perfect, and I don’t have to feel completely clear or strong, to make progress, as long as I’m being gentle, kind.
Another thought occurs to me. I am concerned about my ability to cut out more foods down the road — to modify my general diet, when I’ve already cut out sugar. Won’t THAT feel like deprivation??? But it now occurs to me that everything I’m putting into place and practicing for the sugar abstinence is actually going to make modifying my diet easier than it has been in the past. I’ll be using the same skill set, as it were.
I remember once, many years ago, I was doing a special metabolic detox. It was very detailed and restrictive. I had to put a lot of energy and attention into doing it right and sticking to it. At the same time, something else very difficult happened — I broke up with my boyfriend. I learned something at that time that I never forgot. It is possible that the strength that you exert to get through one difficulty becomes a resource to get through another — like a strengthened muscle.
In this case with sugar, I’m not going to try to cut out more foods right now, but in time — when I’m still working with my sugar abstinence, with more experience than I have right now. I do look forward to seeing that play out.
Being able to anticipate such things so positively is something I couldn’t have dreamed of before starting this sugar addiction class. It’s a nice beginning, and I believe the journey will grow richer, deeper, and more rewarding in time. I look forward to taking that journey with the kindred spirits who have found each other here at First Ourselves.
