Tonight I put my five year old son to bed, with his cozy truck jammies on his precious little body, his favorite cuddly under his arm, and our 90 pound dog curled up tight next to his shoulders (we’re having thunderstorms here in Texas, and my dog likes a lap during thunderstorms. Really, really likes a lap.) I held my son as he sighed and succumbed to sleep, and watched his little body go to rest.
As mommys, we put our children to rest – literally with sleep, and emotionally by helping them feel connected to us, nurtured and safe. My heart feels warm and full when I do this, as if I’m doing something vital and important. My son relaxes as he feels cared for and is sweeter to be around.
As strong women – women rising up, growing up, maturing, healing, and letting go of childish things – we also put ourselves to rest. We give ourselves physical rest and nourishment when we tire; we give ourselves emotional rest (self love, self acceptance, and self compassion) when we lose our perspective. Our hearts feel warm and full when we give ourselves this care, because it, too, is vital and important. And we also relax when we feel cared for and are sweeter to be around.
When we’re struggling with food and weight, it’s usually this emotional rest that is missing. Like my son, we reach our limit, and our body, heart or mind says, “Enough!” But do we listen? Or do we keep on keeping on?
It’s ironic that we often give ourselves the very opposite of what we need. When we’re feeling inside out, overwhelmed, burdened, and untempered, we typically don’t give ourselves rest. We add more of what we don’t need – work, doing, pushing through discomfort, often eating to keep ourselves going – and run from the one thing – rest/nurturing – that would bring us into greater balance.
This evening I was cooking dinner, and I was craving all sorts of snacky foods – chips, sugar, dried fruit…. a sure sign that something was up. So I stopped, paused, and took a moment to check in – why was I craving comfort food? As I sat with my feelings I realized that I was exhausted and needing comfort. I decided to put dinner in the oven, change my clothes and head to my neighborhood yoga studio.
When I go to yoga, I typically take a flow/vinyasa class – sweaty, fast paced classes that are wonderful for wringing out anxiety and any cooped up energy that feels stuck in my body. But they’re challenging. In these classes, you’re usually encouraged to stick with a pose, to breathe into intense sensations, and to be with discomfort. So they’re not always what I need.
Tonight I needed rest. So instead of doing vinyasa, I took a super gentle restorative class. (I mostly laid down on my mat. Heaven.) I spent the next 75 minutes being still, being breathed, and letting myself completely surrender to the floor, my mat and my props. The sound of the rain on the roof only added to the sweetness. Delish.
I think that sensitive people, precious souls with food or weight “stuff,” and women in general tend to be really, really good at toughing it out. We know how to push through discomfort. We know how to take charge. We know how to make do, to keep going, to work and work and work. We are used to – and are very, very good at – sticking with challenges, staying with intense sensations (many of us live with chronic pain and so have learned this lesson well), and being with discomfort. We are so tough, and we get plenty of opportunities to practice this skill.
But toughness is only one side of the coin – we need tenderness to balance it out. We can’t push indefinitely. When we continually push ourselves past our limits we become dry, barren, brittle, intense. If we want to have the strength to push through, to give, our bodies and hearts need to receive – to receive our mothering, our tender, loving care from ourselves. What we’re missing is restoration.
I think we speak this truth literally with our behavior, with the foods we eat. For example, when we binge on sugar, what we’re often really saying is, “I’m tired. I feel overwhelmed. I want some sweetness, some comfort, some nurturing, to balance out life’s hardship. I want to be mothered (mommy’s milk?) I want rest.” We eat because we’ve had enough, and we don’t feel like we can honor this limit of “enoughness.” So the food becomes our voice to say, I feel put upon. I’m carrying too much heaviness. I need levity.
My friends and I sometimes joke, “I want a wife.” As in – I want someone in my life whose sole job is to make sure my needs are anticipated and met. I want someone to take care of me. I want a mother. I want rest.
I have a dear, wise older friend who is one of my go-to gals when I’m feeling inside out. She reminds me gently, over and over, how much sensitive, tender souls need nurturing and strong boundaries – honoring our limits; honoring when we’ve reached that point of, “Done!” – to thrive. I suppose she’s saying that the primary mother in my life – the one who nurtures and protects my limits – is me.
Dear one, will you give yourself this precious rest? Will you give yourself this sweet surrender?
Rumi wrote, “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” When I sit quietly with the barriers that I’ve built against nurturing, what comes up for me is this: I’m terrified that the only value I have in this world is my toughness, my strength, my ability to endure pain. I am resistant to being gentler with myself because I don’t want to rest so much. I don’t want to honor those limits. Like a child who wants to stay up late, way past his bedtime, I want to chuck the rules.
I keep denying myself rest because some part of me wants to prove how tough I am. I’ve felt so embarrassed by my struggles with my sensitivity, anxiety, depression and food stuff – all my “weaknesses” – so I want to show that at least I’m good at something. And one thing I’m really, really good at is enduring pain. And so I’ve done it, even though it has brought suffering.
Beloved, just because you’re good at something doesn’t mean you have to do it. Just because you are strong and you can tough it out doesn’t mean you should. Just because you’ve done this since you were really, really little and you’ve had lots of practice doesn’t mean you have to keep doing it.
Perhaps this Mother’s Day you can soften that giant SHOULD that says “You should tough it out because you can.” Perhaps this Mother’s Day, and everyday, you can offer yourself the gift of restoration, the gift of rest.
My yoga teachers say that the purpose of restorative yoga is to allow the body to be fully supported by the bolsters, props and floor so that it can come to complete rest; so that it can fully release any tension or tightness. It’s like revisiting the womb.
One of my mentors, developmental psychologist Dr. Gordon Neufeld, says “all growth comes from a place of rest.” We bring ourselves to rest by nurturing ourselves, which brings up a warm, delicious feeling of being taken care of. We bring ourselves to rest when we honor the “no, you’ve reached your limit” sensations in our body and stop, slow down, or take a break.
We feel safe by this care, by the honoring of this limit. (Loving structure, beloved, is a friendly force in your life!) On a physiological level, we relax as our nervous systems calm down. On an emotional level, we become less reactive and more responsive as we feel nourished and cared for, safe and secure. On a spiritual level, we recenter, we find more space, and we remember who we are (which is not our reactivity, even though it can feel like it!)
Rest is a gift. And so are the limits we invoke to allow ourselves to receive it.
That, my dear, is the purpose of rest. Not to boost yourself up so that you can accomplish more tomorrow. Not to prop yourself up so you can keep enduring. Not to prove how tough you are. No, the purpose of rest is to allow yourself to drop down to receive, to open so completely and let go so fully that you may be filled. When we come to such a deep place of rest, our fight or flight, reptilian brain calms and our higher brain is activated. It is this higher brain that creates growth, tries new things, and helps us live out our deeper values of love, compassion and gratitude.
Rest is the foundation of our goodness. The foundation of our joy. It’s the abundance that allows us to overflow – to ourselves, to others, to our loved ones, and to life itself.
Want more hands on help?
If you enjoyed reading this article, you may also enjoy these posts:
- How attachment can heal overeating
- Do you have your heart?
- Your heart is big enough.
- How I walked away from sugar when I was really, really tempted
- Stop a binge in its tracks with empathy
For practical tools to create more softness, ease and rest in your life, I highly recommend my workbook and audio CDs, Overcoming Sugar Addiction for Life. In Overcoming Sugar Addiction for Life, you’ll learn the 6 practices of growing human(kind)ness, a map for putting self love into action. These tools not only help you create a more nurturing relationship with yourself, they’re also the foundation for healing a sugar addiction. I feel so passionate about sharing these tools as they’ve positively changed my life. I want the same for you.
Thought I was taking care of myself by resting…. now I rest way too much to where I live a sedentary lifestyle! It’s been two years that have past and 130 lbs heavier!
I’ve give myself too much rest… :/
[...] – Want more nurturing? Follow this link to read my mother’s day post on what I learned about boundaries, limits, and sweet, sweet [...]
Oh Karly,
I read this at 7am on Sunday morning, 2 biscuits traveling rapidly from mouth to hand because I *have* to be up and getting work done – even though it’s Sunday morning and I could be in bed ~ resting.
I’ve cultivated a persona of ‘the rock’: the person everyone else comes to for support and comfort. And I’ve matched that emotional solidness with the heaviness of my body. When everyone else is gone, and I am left surrounded and covered by their ‘stuff’, I turn to the sweetness of food to soothe and numb myself.
Awareness is good; action even better. So today I will take some time out for pleasure and I will acknowledge my limits.
Thank you, Karly.
x
Very thought provoking, Anna…gave me some new things to mull about in my head
Dear Anna,
I feel so happy that you took time to care for yourself and to honor your limits!
Limits/boundaries have been coming up over and over for me lately. I think so many sensitive people tend to take on other people’s stuff – even if it’s just on an energetic level. So much of our healing is shedding – giving back what is not ours to carry. In some ways, we heal by becoming less responsible – or perhaps better said as having strong boundaries/clarity around what is and is not our responsibility.
I’ve also noticed that when I am chronically tired, I find it very difficult to set my boundaries, especially on an energetic level. It’s like I’m all wavy and all over the place, without a center. Rest helps me regain it.
Warmly, Karly
Thank you, Karly for your wonderful insight and support. I relate to so much to what you wrote in this piece, the pushing through, living with pain (chronic fatigue) and so much more. This past week my 2 yr old grandson was in the hospital with a broken collar bone and fractured skull and a touch and go situation. He is doing well now, but during the ordeal which included sleepless nights, I was pleased to find that I could really sit with what I was feeling and even let myself fall apart a few times. When I was exhausted and craving sweets I was able to recognize what was happening and to “talk myself down” from the rationalizations that were marching through my mind.
I had a big turning point while reading your book on sugar. I realized that I had been “RESIGNING” myself for so long that I could not have sugar, thus I struggled staying off it and went back and forth feeling very deprived and resentful. The picture this brought to my mind was me pouting and angry with my arms tightly folded in, a posture of RESISTANCE. This perspective towards my sugar dilemma lead me to fail time and again which always ended with me in deep depression and more physical pain. I am learning to adjust my thinking so that I instead choose to “ACCEPT” the way I am made, with all of my beautiful attributes as well as all of my challenging ones (sensitivities, illness, ect.). Now, what I picture in my mind is me with open arms accepting all of me and seeing all of the nourishing foods that I CAN eat to take care of myself, and this is a posture of GRATITUDE and SURRENDER. This posture allows me to see bountifulness and naturally promotes self care.
As I continue to work on changing my way of thinking the striving seems to go, the heaviness of my situation seems to dissipate, and I am able to find a true place of rest and care for myself. This has made such a difference for me and is becoming more natural in my thought processes. The result is so much joy and freedom in my life…and feeling good emotionally and physically…yeah!
So appreciate Karly, what you are doing to help us all. Thank you.
Gina,
I could only imagine how difficult it was to watch your grandson in such a tenuous situation. I am so glad he is better and admire how you cared for all the feelings that arose throughout the weekend.
I love your switch from resignation to acceptance. I love the image of your open arms, the posture of surrender. That is so beautiful and speaks to me. And I love that this has led to more freedom for you on every level! That’s been my experience, too, and I celebrate this spaciousness with you.
Warmly, Karly
We are SO bad at prioritizing ourselves! We need to practice, practice, practice looking after our own needs too! It’ll have the best payback ever, because if we’re looked after, then we’ll have all that extra energy and focus to give to others.
I agree Marcia! XOXO Karly
Yes- Karly, you are so on target- I am one of those women who pushes herself and is an overdoer – and I think I also get off on it. Accomplishing is more important than anything – my fatigue, unhappiness, hunger- even peeing. I somehow feel “better than” myself. Just listening to myself, what my body need isn’t ever good enough, I never feel good enough unless there is a “better” attached to it. Run better, work harder, get thinner, healthier, wealthier. I recognize that there is a charge to “better” that “good enough” doesn’t have. I also see that the desire to better, to improve indicates feelings of less than. I am disappointed in myself. I have let myself down, abandoned myself, pushed myself – but much is also not my fault.
Being a single 58 yr old woman who lost everything financial, I have had a tough road back to financial stability that has required working three jobs in two states, 6-7 days a week. But I will move forward from this now- because the one thing I did not lose was my ability to re-invent myself, the belief that “one belongs where one thinks one belongs”, and continually ask myself, “is this how I want to spend the best hours of my day – is this how I see my life?”
I have worked on my eating behaviors for soooooo long. “And right now – this is how it is” my mantra about most things that challenge. How it is, is that I am 15 pounds heavier. I feel “less than” and sad about this. I have belly flesh I have never seen before and bras that no longer fit. The clothes that I design are too uncomfortable to wear. I may be on TV soon and I am embarrassed to face millions at this weight. I want better for myself. I want compassion for having used food to cut and run from a tough few years. I want longevity with a balanced approach to eating – not volleying between binging and eating healthy, restricted, and anything goes. I am seeking what my body likes best- not external formulas; vegan, raw, no carb, whole foods, eat every few hours, eat nothing in between, juices vs smoothies, dairy vs none, sweet fruit and veggies vs non-sweet, glycemic + non glycemic.
I want to lose weight but do not want to be in deprivation mode. I want to feel my belly, not belly “fleshiness”. I want my clothes to feel loose and comfy and put on a comfy pair of soft pants and t-shirt on a Sunday morning to relax in and not feel like a sausage stuffed into them. Yes, I want my thinner body back. I miss feeling good in my body, proud of how I look at 58. I love being older, my grey hair and wrinkles and love that I can run and swim and dance better than some 20 yr olds. (There is that “better” thing again.) I also want to stay present for the “4 seasons in one day” that is me on any given day. I want to feel confident dancing and dating – feeling heavier makes me reticent to do either – I have to do a lot of trying on of outfits to do so! So as I face this Mother’s day I recall a book I read when my sons (now ages 30 and 33) were little – it was called “The Good Enough Mother”. I am writing my own script daily now, called “The Good Enough Woman”.
Oh, my goodness – I feel so inspired by your story. The fact that you held down 3 jobs in 2 states, 6-7 days a week, lost everything and still have faith, and managed to hold onto hope, self belief, and beauty at the end leaves me amazed. You are so strong in my eyes. I think you are incredibly resilient and tough and I applaud your courage. Wow.
I hope you can hold yourself close and feel that compassion for the 15 extra pounds, to surrender the should that says, “I should’ve been able to do better.” Dear one, you did the best you could. (And I think your best was pretty amazing.)
I was in a film once when I was feeling less than stellar and I know the vulnerability that brings. I hope you can celebrate your TV exposure while also caring for those parts of your heart that feel so vulnerable and “out there” with the extra weight.
And I love this – the good enough woman. Beautiful. I love “enough” too. For you are, dear, dear one, enough.
Warmly, Karly
PS – I chuckled as I read your comments, as I sometimes push through needing to pee too. It’s so comical – I mean, what the heck?! Hilarious.
This: “That, my dear, is the purpose of rest. Not to boost yourself up so that you can accomplish more tomorrow.” is eye opening for me, because this is exactly WHY I rest – so I’ll have the energy to get it all done. What if I rested just for resting’s sake? How fulfilled would I be then?
You always give me something to think about Karly – thank you!
And Happy Mother’s Day to you!
Happy Mother’s Day to you, too, Jill! I hope you feel loved and appreciated this weekend.
I feel happy that this resonated with you – I think all us mommas can understand!
In love and care, Karly