One of the challenges of weight loss is how often our desires, needs and emotions are in conflict with each other. You want to be healthy and fit…and you want to eat whatever you want. You want to eat the chocolate…and you want to eat less sugar. You want to lose weight…and you want to hit the drive thru.
One way of resolving this dilemma is by eliminating one side of the conflict. (This is otherwise known as “all or nothing thinking.”) For years, that was my solution. I approached weight loss as a journey towards no conflict. If only I could tame my desire for sugar, tame my desire for food, tame my desire, tame, tame, control, control….then I will get to that magical place where I no longer want to eat junk. Problem solved.
While this approach can work in the short term, it does so at a great cost. We end up white knuckling our way through life – feeling controlling, fearful and neurotic. Eventually, we regain the lost weight or return to old habits.
Here’s a more helpful way of approaching our competing desires. I’m suggesting that conflict is normal, natural and an inherent part of life – not something to be erased. This is because our physical world is limited. For example, your stomach can only hold so much food; your body can only eat so many calories. Because of these limits, we have to pick and choose what we eat.
More accurately: we get to pick and choose what we eat.
We often try and work around this inherent conflict by trying to get away with something. We may want to get to a magical place without limits – for example, the diet (or exercise plan, or plastic surgery, or even eating disorder) that will finally enable us to eat whatever we want while also achieving our happy (read: perfect) weight.
Limits are not a popular topic, in any arena. There’s a part of us that wants the magic pill. In so many circles, we’re offered solutions to try and circumvent limits: to eat this way to guarantee a perfect body; to “hack” your life to such a degree that you can accomplish the work of 4 people in a day; to adopt a spiritual program or belief that guarantees a certain outcome; to control and fend away anything “negative” – aging, pain, loss – that may keep you from a state of continual bliss. It’s trying to live like a machine.
We are not machines. We are dynamic, multi layered, tender, complex human beings. So is life itself.
Accepting limits is accepting life on its own terms. When we accept limits, we gain freedom. Yes, there is the constraint: I’m choosing to eat this, and not that. Yes, there is the loss – I would like to eat both. And also there is integrity, there is maturity, there is great power in recognizing: In my choices, I get to be the leader of my life.
What kind of body do I want? Well, what am I willing to do to get it?
What kind of health do I want? Well, what kinds of food am I willing to eat?
To what ends do I want my time, energy, and food choices to serve?
These are the big, juicy questions.
Limits are not there merely to be a pain in the butt. They are how we grow up. How we mature. How we align our deepest values with our daily life.
The magic and mystery in this world is not found in erasing conflict, paradox, and the messiness of this life. It’s found in embracing the paradox, and embracing the learning journey as a gift – a present to be unwrapped. What will we uncover if we have to work to change our bodies, eating habits, or health?
I think we’ll uncover much, much more than a magic wish that instantly erases any challenge, any friction, any challenge in this perfectly imperfect life.
I think we’ll uncover life itself.
Hi, I had a eating disorder since a teanager and I am now 33 years old still struggling with my weight , and food. I never could keep my weight and ner been satisfied with my weight always afraid I will gain weight and if i did nit exercice I feel week and fat sometimes even when I was not fat. I decided that want the food to control me always feeling guiltly, can t have a proper social life coz i worry i will eat or I am too fat to be seen. I decided to set myself a goal that I never did before put myself to a challenge and succeed. I decide to become a fitness model in 20 weeks. I love going to gym and the feeling after a workout even when overweight felt so beautifull and strong and did not want to bing on food. I know it is not the answer to my problem but I will get closer to my answer and what really makes me sabotage my welbeing. I would love your feedback .
Karly,
Great post. Thank you for reminding me that limits are not punishments and that they are a great barometer in recognizing my true needs.
I like to call it “Extreme Self Care” So whenever I feel that child inside me saying ” I don’t want to go to bed.” ” I want to have dessert.” I remind myself that its not a punishment but rather a gift of nurturing my body with proper care.
I love what you say in your reply to Jill to about the importance of not judging ourselves for discovering the parts of us that still are immature and that still need to grow up. This is a powerful idea for me to embrace because i so often judge and berate myself for being less than “adult” about my insecurities. Thank you for reminding me that once again I am only human and imperfect one and that is perfectly fine!
Hi Karly!
Thank you for this, my heart and mind were just on the verge of this belief possibility and your words were just perfect and brought tears to my eyes and peace to my heart. How very true. I must print this!
xo Shelly =)
I needed to hear this today. I need to let this sink in until it hits the deepest part of my understanding and embrace it. I have kicked and struggled against limits for so long, that believing that limits are good for me is not an easy thing to do.
I did the Session 6 ritual with the pebbles in the water, and I don’t mind telling you, it was uncomfortable for me, even though I KNOW that I need some limits. I’ve come to realize that structure is not my enemy, it will be my friend if I let it.
This is good stuff, Karly.
Hi Jill,
Thank you for writing and sharing here. It takes so much courage to look honestly at beliefs that may be tripping us up on this journey of life – you are brave to look inside!
If it helps, I write first for myself; meaning, whatever you see me writing about is what *I* most need to hear. So you have lots of company. Smile.
Limits are something I resist, do not like, absolutely do not like, and try my best to create some sort of work around. I even recognize how a habit of eating while standing up is a way to avoid a limit – if I’m not seeing how much food I’m eating, I can somehow pretend it’s “magic” and it “doesn’t count.” By contrast, putting it on a plate and eating at the table means recognizing: oh. This is how much food I’m *really* eating.
I’m doing my best to approach this awareness very, very kindly – to know that it’s only natural to want a limitless life (that would be the womb – who wouldn’t want to return there???) To appreciate that if I didn’t learn this as a child, it makes sense that it’s uncomfortable for me as an adult. It’s also not proof of my – our – “badness” or a deep flaw if we uncover parts of us that are immature.
Thankfully, I can laugh about this today: a ha! Here is something that is causing me all sorts of havoc. I want to allow myself to learn and grow, which means laughing/appreciating/listening when I notice immaturity and not beating myself up because I just discovered one more thing about myself that needs a little growing up.
There’s a lot of growing up to do on this life.
XO, Karly