We all have stories: a framework that we use to interpret the events of our lives. If you’re a woman, you probably have a story for your body. There’s probably a chapter where you loved your body; maybe a chapter where you went on your first diet. You have a chapter when your body changed – puberty, pregnancy, or aging. For some, this was a positive journey; but for most women, accepting the body’s changes has been hard.
It’s strange, really; we don’t expect our emotional, mental, or spiritual bodies to stay the same throughout our lives. But why do we hold our bodies to such rigid standards? Why do we expect our bodies to remain as they were at 18, before pregnancies, breastfeeding, and several trips around the sun?
With this step, we’ll unroot these expectations by journeying through your past. Our goal is to bring awareness to your story, so that you can see how it influences your attitudes today. You can’t get clarity about your relationship with your body until you recognize where you’ve been. If you’re holding onto shame or guilt about your past, this will often manifest in the present as a food issue. It’ll be really, really difficult to care for your body in a healthy manner today if your body is still processing shame about the past. Through this process, you will have the opportunity to accept, forgive, and release your history.
Write your story
If you’re the journaling type, it’s helpful to physically write your story. Break it down into several parts: Write about your body from ages 1-11; 12-19; 20-30; 30-40;
40-50, and so on. For each decade, answer these questions: What did you look like? How would you describe your relationship with food? What did you think about your body? What did you think about yourself?
You can also draw, paint, sculpt, or create your story in another medium if you’re artistically inclined.
After you’ve written your story, look it over, as a whole. Do you see any patterns or consistencies over the course of your life? What’s stayed the same? What’s changed? What decade did you feel the best about your body? Can you see any behaviors that led to these good feelings? When did you feel the worst? What behaviors led to those feelings?
Releasing a painful history
How do you feel when you look over your past? Does your past feel painful? Do you feel regret, shame, or guilt for certain behaviors, such as dieting, hating your body, having an eating disorder, or denying yourself joy until you’d lost weight?
Shame and guilt are joy robbers. They will keep you from accepting yourself, just as you are, today, tomorrow, or yesterday. For years, I carried deep shame about my college days, when I alternated between starving myself and throwing up in toilets. The irony is that in my 20s I used food for comfort; one of the reasons I overate was my low self esteem. And do you know what triggered my low self esteem? Shame about my past.
I released my shame when I recognized two things: 1. I did the best I could, and 2. When I knew better, I did better. When I was in college I was terribly lonely and insecure; I knew nothing about proper nutrition, or how to care for myself. Bingeing and starving myself was the best I could I do at the time. As I grew in knowledge, confidence, and self esteem, I stopped bingeing and starving. And, ultimately, I was able to forgive myself for abusing my body, recognizing my misguided attempt to feel good.
Now it’s your turn. Look at your story. Imagine it’s a movie script. Imagine it’s your best friend’s story. Imagine it’s the story of a small child. How do you view your story now? Can you embrace your mistakes with compassion? Can you see that you were doing the best you knew how? Can you see how your behaviors were an attempt to feel good about yourself?
Find the good
Now let’s take it one step further: Can you see how your past helped you get to where you are today? Can you see the good in your past? Can you see how your past made you stronger, taught you important lessons, and, like weight lifting, built your internal muscles so you could grow and evolve?
Do you know that saying, “It’s all good?” It is. The universe has a perfect plan, getting you to where you need to go. Hating your body may be an important step on the journey.
Embracing an imperfect present
There’s a flip side to this exercise: What if your past isn’t painful at all; what if it’s your present story that causes you pain? Do you long for an earlier time, when you were beautiful, thin, or younger? Do you pine for your former beauty?
I think this scenario is very common with women who’ve had children. Our bodies change considerably after giving birth: stretch marks, spider veins, wider hips, bigger feet, added pounds, poochy bellies, and saggy breasts are just some of the ways pregnancy and childbirth can alter a woman’s body.
I know hundreds of women in their 30s and 40s who are trying every diet, eating and exercise program they can to regain the body they had when they were 18. I know women in their 50s and 60s who are doing likewise. Instead of recognizing that the goal itself is absurd, women think there’s something wrong with them: they haven’t tried hard enough, or used enough willpower. Or they haven’t yet found the perfect diet.
The pathway to change
So how do you release your fixation on the past? How do you embrace a new image that fits who you are today? Here’s what I did: I called in the troops. I prayed, “Please, God: take away my desire to be skinny.” I knew it wasn’t something I could tackle on my own. I had to release my will, and trust that God had something better for me than I wanted for myself.
We don’t want to release our hold on our bodies, because we’re afraid that loving and accepting our bodies means being fat. We’re afraid if we let our bodies eat until they’re satisfied that we’ll weigh 1,000 pounds. We’re afraid that if we release our high expectations we’ll settle for something really, really low, and end up slothful, unhealthy, ill, and obese.
We don’t trust ourselves enough to believe that we will care for our bodies. We don’t trust that we’ll know what our bodies need; instead we rely on experts and dieting rules to tell us what to eat, how to eat, and when to eat. We don’t trust that we’ll want to exercise, even if there’s no one telling us we should go to the gym.
But remember? God wants something even better for you than you can imagine for yourself. God wants you to be healthy. God wants you to feel beautiful. God wants you to enjoy your physical body.
Let it go
So let it go. Release your past, your shame, your regret, your guilt. Release your pining for a perfect time, that, ultimately, didn’t exist. (Let’s be honest: Did you really love your body 15 pounds or 15 years ago? Or was there something, even then, that needed fixing?) Release your pining for the future, when you think you’ll finally love your body, after you’ve lost those last ten pounds. (Let’s be honest: Will you really love your body after losing 10 pounds? Or will there be something else that’ll need fixing?) Release your need for your body to be perfect.
Love Your Present
Love your present. Love your body, right now, as it is. If you’re in waiting mode, waiting to love yourself after you’ve gotten in shape, lost weight, had a facelift, or broken a bad habit, then you’re putting self-love into the future. You’re discounting who you are, right now. As Sanaya Roman says, you’re making “who you are inadequate.”
Think of someone you love; think of a small child. Do you love them any differently if their hair’s unbrushed, or if they’re covered in dirt, or if their body is dimpled and round? No, we usually love them more for the cowlicks, the dirty faces, and the rolls. It’s what makes
them unique. It’s their imperfections that endear them to us.
It’s your imperfections that are endearing. It’s the personal markers that make you you that we love. Your body is your geography – a map of where you’ve been, where you’re from, and a compass to point you where you need to go.
Can you love your map of the world?
im 14 and i weigh 7.5 stones my legs are like chicken legs and my bum is flat..
i really need to gain weight..
please help