Feeling beautiful, I’ve found, has very little to do with the reflection in the mirror, and everything to do with the inner landscape. In my work, I’ve talked with countless stunning women who can neither see nor accept their beauty. I’ve also spoken with size four women who aren’t comfortable wearing a bathing suit in public; who bemoan their hips, butt, or thighs. Conversely, I know women who are at the heaviest they’ve ever been, and yet go swimming and clothes shopping with ease.
I’ll save answering why some women are at home in their bodies, and some chastise every flaw, for another day. I think a more interesting question is why beauty matters at all. Why should we care what we look like? Why does feeling beautiful matter so much to women?
The two aspects of beauty
Beauty is tricky, because it does, and doesn’t matter. No, in the grand scheme of things, our appearance isn’t important. On our deathbeds, we won’t lament the time we spent dieting or berating ourselves for being a size 10. We are ultimately spiritual beings; our true essence is not our physical self. Our beauty will change, and fade; our spirit, by contrast, grows and evolves.
Yet we are not only spirit; we are also human. And our humanity brings all the challenges and blessings of living in a physical universe. Our bodies are a gift: the vehicle for experiencing the world through our senses. Our beauty is also a gift, something to be honored and appreciated and used, just as we honor, appreciate, and use our other earthly talents. For everything, there is a season. There is a season to relish your beauty, a season to enjoy your body, and that
time is now.
Overfocusing on the body
The key to understanding beauty is to accept both aspects of ourselves, body and spirit. Each has its place. We become unbalanced and suffer pain when we lean too strongly towards one or the other. When we’re too focused on our physical selves, we become rigid, perfectionistic, holding our bodies to impossible standards. We bemoan the onset of wrinkles, cellulite, gray hairs; we denigrate any wiggle or jiggle. We live for someday (“I’ll take that dancing class when I lose fifteen pounds”) and worship our youthful past. We white knuckle our sensuality, shame our natural human desire for sexual pleasure, satiating food, and physical comfort.
Even worse is when we hate our bodies for not conforming to our impossible expectations. We think that somehow we can love ourselves while hating our bodies. But this is impossible. How you feel about your physical self influences your feelings about every part of you. Your physical body is in the house in which the rest of you – your spirit, mind, and emotions – resides. Hating the vessel pollutes every part. If you loathe your body, you loathe yourself.
This is slavery to beauty; being in bondage. Bondage is when your self worth, how you feel about yourself as a person, is defined by your appearance. Your physical self will fluctuate. Some days, you’ll look smashing. Some days, you won’t. This is where your spirit comes in. If you appreciate your spirit, your being-ness, then you can accept the changes in your humanity without fear, knowing that wrinkles and cellulite don’t change who you are.
Overfocusing on the spirit
However, this doesn’t mean we should ignore our bodies’ needs. Sometimes we feel guilty for caring about our appearance at all, especially women who are focused on their spirituality. We feel unholy for wearing make-up or desiring pretty clothes. We feel egoic because we feel better when we look better. When
we take time for a massage or a pedicure, we feel like we’re indulging in something slightly sinful. This is shame talking; not your spirit. Shame is simply another form of bondage.
Focusing solely on the spirit, and ignoring the body’s needs for rest, proper nutrition, exercise, and, yes, beauty, is just as harmful as overfocusing on the body. Devalueing your body is as painful as overvalueing your body (vanity): they are opposite sides of the same coin.
It’s human and natural to have a need for beauty, just as it’s human and natural to have a need for rest, solitude, and peace. It’s normal to want to feel pretty; to enjoy a new outfit; to pamper your body so that it can look its best. It’s okay to indulge the body.
Balancing body and spirit
But how do we acknowledge our need for beauty without become trapped by vanity? How do we navigate a world that defines beauty in narrow terms? How do we balance our humanity with our spirituality?
The answer is twofold: self love, and self care. It takes both. Self care is the behavior. It’s exercising, eating food that makes you feel good, and resting when you’re tired. It’s also what inspires you to find a dress that makes you feel sexy, style your hair, and paint your toes lavender. Self care is treating yourself to a yoga class, silk sheets, and a makeover. Self love, by contrast, is an attitude of acceptance. What enables you to completely and deeply love and accept yourself at all times, when your toes aren’t painted; when you’re grungy and sweaty or camping in the woods. Self love is accepting the loss of your beauty with grace and levity. Self love is embracing the abundance of the universe, letting other women feel beautiful, too.
Combining self love with self care is treating your body as well as, but not more importantly as, your spirit. It’s embracing your humanity
and your spirituality with equal measure. It’s letting your inner beauty match your outer beauty, and apologizing for neither. It’s expanding your definition of beauty to include you at your best, your worst, and everywhere in between.
I felt like i could cry and at last went to bed and just breathed.
I am so lucky, I have friends who talk about this. We talk about that competitvness. I recall men who would stoke it along and it hurt. Just remembering that hurt.
thank you
As a man, I’ve often had difficulty understanding the common issues with women’s body images. One day I saw a study where young beautiful women were asked to draw themselves. These beautiful women drew pictures of large, blocky, and generally unattractive people. It finally hit home that some women REALLY see themselves that way. I still don’t know how to approach these issues most of the time, but now I feel that I have a better understanding and can be a little more sensitive.
I love the idea of self care as behavior. Thank-you. So good to hear someone affirming that what we do matters and when we make healthy decisions it ultimately has an effect on us.
I also love the idea of treating my body as spirit- it helps me silence the voices that are so focused on my body- thank-you!! Great start to my morning
Wonderful. Balance is a marvelous thing. I appreciate the presentation of ways to establish the balance between body and spirit.
This article has good advice.
I don’t 100% agree with all of what was said. But there is definitely truth here and something to be learned.
Being a slave to ‘trying’ to be beautiful is definitely a form of bondage that only those stuck in it can understand.
lame