A different way of working with affirmations

When I first started working on my food and body image “stuff,” I used a lot of affirmations. I would say to myself things like, “I am healthy,” “I have a beautiful body,” or “I make healthy food choices.” The only problem was that while I affirmed what I wanted, another voice would immediately pop up and say, “I don’t think so.”

So I would affirm louder, more often, and with more passion, trying to shut out the negativity by sheer volume.

And yet those contrarian voices were still there. I tried telling them to shut up, overpowering them, yelling at them, arguing with them, and even naming them – I called this part of me Veronica and would sass back at her when she ran circles in my head. (My apologies to any Veronicas out there!)

None of these tactics worked. Plus, I used up an awful lot of energy and mental focus to keep them at bay. I love Debbie Ford’s metaphor for this:  it’s like trying to keep a beach ball underwater. Despite all our efforts, these parts of ourselves keep rising to the surface. We can’t overpower, outshush or outrun them.

After decades of food suffering, I was exhausted and frustrated. I was willing to try anything to feel better. And this is how I came to mindfulness. I’m going to be honest – when I first heard the word mindfulness, I wanted to barf. It evoked images of sitting still on a cushion for hours on end – something that made me let out a big, “Yuck.”

It took me several years of learning, practice and exploration to appreciate this tool. After walking through this stage – I threw several books across the room during this time – I’ve come to see mindfulness from a different perspective; one that speaks to my heart and one that I love. I see mindfulness as mothering.

Just writing that makes my heart soften and respond. The metaphor works for me. I’m a mother; I have a mother. Mothering is something I revere, as it embodies unconditional love, nurturing, and kindness. And that is how I practice mindfulness in my life.

I think of mindfulness as a kind attention – seeing what’s there with exquisite tenderness. It’s a loving microscope I shine on my inner life so that my outer life becomes more conscious and intentional.

On a day to day, practical level, mindfulness means creating room for all my feelings, needs, and thoughts. It means turning towards those “negative” parts of me, caring for them, and giving them a voice. When I give them my full attention, listening to them deeply, letting them feel heard, seen and understood, their need to “act out” and create havoc in my life softens.

Allowing my feelings, needs and thoughts to be there doesn’t mean that I indulge in them – that I act out my fear, self aversion, or anxiety. As I explained in this post on kindly changing food habits, we use the power of our values – our spirit – so we don’t act on every thought or impulse.

At the same time, there’s a paradox at work here:  As I care for the parts of me that feel ugly, irresponsible, bad, guilty, ashamed, anxious, fearful, fat, and more, I don’t have to act out this pain by being ugly, fat, bad, anxious, or ashamed in my life.

I know it sounds crazy and counterintuitive – that by turning towards our pain we feel better. And yet when we care for our deep hurts, and say, “I care about you,” when we sit with them and feel them, we drop our guns of resistance. We feel free to move forward and to support ourselves, to do all the things that we want to be doing, like eating more whole foods, or exercising, or not eating after dinner. It’s like we’re gathering all the parts of ourselves and putting them on the same “team” instead of fighting against each other.

Everything wants compassion. Everything wants empathy. Everything wants to be loved. What a powerful, and beautiful practice when we give this to ourselves – to every “ugly,” aching, messy, hurting part of ourselves. It’s the noblest work we can do, because it’s unconditional love. It’s what every spiritual path teaches. It’s forgiving ourselves and loving ourselves with all our messy humanity.

I saw this process first hand over these past two months. Many of you know that my family was moving out of Montana, the state we’d called home for the past 13 years. A big change like this brought up so many intense feelings. On top of that, I’m someone who finds change incredibly uncomfortable, like a giant squeeze in the heart.

I felt all my feelings – grief, sadness, loss, fear, anxiety, frustration, doubt, panic, overwhelm, and more. I cared for them and talked to them and let them pour out. And it was this care, this mindful, mothering attention – “Oh, sweetheart, what’s wrong? Tell me all about it.” – that enabled me to walk through the intensity of feeling without eating them, running from them, hiding them or silencing them.

It’s also how I moved forward. I left Montana yesterday at peace. I drove to the airport with my family and said good-bye, savoring every last minute. It was such a huge step for me to take that leap and go. It reminded me of other leaps of faith I’ve taken – writing a book, teaching my first class, or embarking on a sugar free diet.

It’s a different kind of affirmation – one that says, “I can handle it. I am resilient and capable and strong.” I can handle intense emotion, change, effort, discomfort, trial, adversity, joy, loss, pain, ecstasy – the full range of human experience, of being alive. I can move forward. The heart is big enough for all of me; for all of you.

For more information on how to make these practices come alive in your life, try my overeating program, Heal Overeating:  Untangled, or my sugar workbook and CDs, Becoming Binge Free.

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