When we overeat, we’re caught in a fight or flight state. Something in our bodies, minds, brain screams, “Danger, danger, danger!” and we eat to escape this fearful place.
The food/sugar (or drink, or internet, or TV, or compulsive email checking or …..) becomes our surrogate for safety, nurturing, soothing. We feel the ouch, the pain, the fear and almost instantly we crave something to soften it. Some part of our brain thinks, “A candy bar would help right now,” and with this thought, we feel relief: Ah – I can make the pain go away!
So we eat. We feel better for about five minutes. Then we feel hopeless as we realize: oh. The pain is still there. It didn’t go away after all.
My challenges with craving have centered around a quest for the perfect body and overeating – two things that are opposing goals and yet share the same root – a fear, a terror, that this moment is not enough, that I can’t handle it, and that I need to either soothe my way through it or perfect myself to handle it. My craving is a grasping. It’s a leaning forward, an adding onto, as I reach for something other than what I have right now so that I can feel safe.
Unhooking from our compulsive patterns means quieting this inner voice that says, “Arm yourself!” This is feeling safe, secure, whole and complete. It also means quieting the voice that says, “I’m not enough.” This is also feeling safe, secure, whole and complete. We feel safe, secure, whole and complete when we realize two things: I am enough. And this moment is enough.
Try it. Pause, close your eyes, and gently tell yourself – right now, in this moment – in this very one – I am okay. I have what I need. I can handle this. I’m enough.
I know, dear one – this can sound like denying reality. When we’re caught in traffic or when we’re stressed out about our child’s/partner’s/parent’s behavior or our finances or ….. – it is hard to believe we are okay. It can feel kooky to remind ourselves that we’re okay. (Karly, do you not see my 2 year old having the tantrum in the Target aisle???)
And yet we are okay. We’re breathing. We’re here. We may be uncomfortable, we may not like what’s going on around us, we may not like what someone else is doing, and we are handling it.
In this moment I have what I need.
I love Rick Hanson’s phrase of “I’m alright right now” to remind me that I am okay, in this present moment, without having to add to it with comfort food or the comforting lure of attaining a perfect body. I can accept the messiness of life – including the tantrums, the stress, the discomfort, the crazies – and be with it.
When we tell ourselves, “I can handle this,” the stress softens. We move out of fight or flight and into capability. We don’t feel like we HAVE to have the cookie to be okay, because we are reminding ourselves that we already are okay. We foster our inner resiliency, which Dr. Gordon Neufeld says is the essence of self esteem – “Come what may, I have what I need.”
We can be with it. We can be with it, beloved, without eating it; without running after pleasure or running away from pain.
We can be with life, in all its beautiful mess; in all its permutations. Yes, dear one, your heart is big enough.
This is what I needed to read today. I feel like I have made some progress and then, I feel that feeling of laziness settle over me. It comes in slowly at first…anxiety or sadness leads to my writing tapering off, I blow off meditation and exercise, I get sloppy with food and then, within days, I am like I am a child that is kicking and screaming that “I don’t want to handle this…it isn’t fair…I want chocolate!” It is really crazy when I see that child get her way over and over again even though she has no idea what is really good for her.
I hope I can comfort her more routinely in non-food related ways and gain strength from knowing it is possible and that yes, I can handle this. That today, I can do it. Tomorrow will worry about itself, but today, I can cherish my needs. I am grateful, no matter how many times I stumble, that this site has confirmed that letting that little girl get her way too often doesn’t make me a bad person or incapable of change. Thanks to everyone here and being a source of hope.
Petra,
I am so grateful this nurtured your heart and I felt such delight in reading your story here. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes, as I see you as so brave, courageous, persistent, strong and good.
No, we are not bad, we are not incapable of change, we are human, stumbling, learning, growing as we can.
That inner child in me, in you, in everyone is so precious and tender. I have so much compassion for her.
Some days that little girl – with her giant, wounded heart, a huge, aching hole – feels so huge, like she takes over every other part of me. For years I tried to push that little girl away, push those feelings down, make her feel differently. It never worked, and I always felt ashamed that the pain was there in the first place.
I am slowly learning that feeling the pain always feels better than running from it. Those days when my hurt little girl is aching, those are days of surrender for me – “This is how I’m feeling right now.” I have to let go of control, accept how I’m feeling, and ride the feelings, trusting that they will pass. Trusting that I’ll find my center again where I don’t feel so scared, alone, and powerless.
Can I love and care for myself when I’m feeling triggered, when I’m hurting; feeling scared, feeling powerless? That is much of the journey for me. Not to abandon myself when I’m in pain.
In love and support, Karly
There’s a UK television program with the theme song… ‘It’s alright, it’s okay. Doesn’t really matter if you’re old and grey,’ A good philosophy.
Oh Karly — I felt this way yesterday, but couldn’t recognize it and wondered what is wrong with me? I will repeat this mantra to my heart next time and know it will comfort me as did a previous one “I have what I need and the universe will provide.” (Or something like that — it helped me get through a challenging time.) Namaste
Sherrie,
Whenever pain comes, my first instinct is to declare, “What is wrong?” and try to escape from it!
I find that so interesting – I think it’s human nature to pull away from pain and to label it as “wrong.”
I find the mantra, “I can handle this” a way to open my heart to every experience. It’s what empowers me to stop running and feel the ouch. It’s also what enables me to find my way through it!
I appreciate your comments and your openness in sharing your journey with us. I feel that you are a kindred spirit, and I feel blessed by you.
Namaste, shanti, peace,
XO, Karly
Okay so I am feeling all weeping too. I know all my triggers and yet sometimes it is all about the angle you perceive things. Thank for the self-affirmation and the clarity, I too have been doing some self-talk and hadn’t realized how hard it would be to be supportive of myself, believe in myself. So I ll keep on mumbling my way to self-acceptance, I deserve it…right.
Lauren-Lee,
Oh, yes dear one – you deserve self acceptance. Absolutely 100% yes. There is nothing you can do to make yourself more lovable, worthy, or enough than you are right now in this very minute.
Self acceptance, I think, is something that we’re taught. As children, we internalize the voices of others around us. If those voices are self critical, that voice becomes our inner dialogue. I suppose it’s something we’ve passed down from generation to generation, from culture to child.
So stopping this process by creating affirming self-talk is not only a gift to yourself, but a gift to humanity.
I feel so proud of you, Lauren. You are enough.
XO, Karly
I didn’t realize how true this was until I started crying while reading it; obviously it touched some truths my mind already knew, but my desire to use comfort food was so loud that I couldn’t hear that truth.
Thank you for this alert so I can begin to listen to the proper source and ignore the screaming white noise of my desire for food.
Debbie,
“Screaming white noise” is a great way to describe that feeling! I feel so happy and proud of you for listening to those cares underneath the food….it is a tearful, heartfelt journey. I’ve cried a lot through my healing process, not always because I’m sad, but often because I’m turning towards my tender heart and caring for it rather than suppressing it or eating to avoid it. My heart weeps in this homecoming.
Oh, you brave, brave heart….I bow to you, Debbie.
XO, Karly
I’ve been telling myself this a lot in the last week. Things have been going haywire and more than once I’ve had to have the “it’s okay, I care, you’re going to be fine” talk with myself. I’m so glad that I’ve listened to you long enough that I can finally remember to do that when life gets crazy!! You are such a blessing to me – keep it coming Sister!! xoxo
Jill,
I am so happy that this mantra has been helpful to you in the haywire of life. That is such a huge, positive change – to remember to tell yourself that when you are feeling caught and stressed. (A hum, you know I write what I most need to hear, too, so it’s a practice that I’m working on right now!
You are a blessing to me too and I feel so grateful that we found each other!
XO, Karly
….. Karly, you are so right on. …. I needed this this morning, as I am sure many others do too. Thanks for being there for us. …..
) …
Louie,
I feel so glad that this ministered to you this morning! Thank you for writing and saying so.
Maybe we could make a coffee/tea mug that says “I can handle this” as an encouraging way to start our days.
XO, Karly